seems to me that most of the contradictions here are questions of balance.
being able to discuss it when needed versus producing my very own made-for-tv melodrama
venting my emotions out loud versus victimhood
the larger my community, the more i need my alone time.
ask for help when i am over my limit, but remain willing to do for myself whenever possible
effective support is even more effective when i am willing to be a simple cheerleader
add-on
keep an open mind but not so open that your brain falls out
Coming back to this after getting into a conversation yesterday that I didn't handle right, and I want to learn, adjust and improve.
My said friend called up and yet again, unloaded everything that is going wrong for her. Most recently, her meeting with a well known timewaster friend of ours, to discuss professional cooperation (my friend is long-term underemployed, very unwell, unsupported financially, and has run out of money). We agreed beforehand that it would be a waste of time and energy to meet the person. She said she went ahead with it anyway because she had forgotten to cancel in good time.
She called me up to complain the meeting had wasted her time and energy. She said it was evidence of her making an effort to improve her situation. It then spiralled into further complaints about her health, her financially crippling lawsuits, her ineffective (free) therapy that she recently started, her inability to function in general (two panic attacks yesterday morning), and her fear of the seemingly inevitable residential public psych hospital - which indeed is notorious in this country, still like
One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest.
Instead of either just listening to her complaints or setting boundaries in an effective way, I made a mistake. I told her that she knew exactly what she was getting into when she made the choice to get into the most recent thing that has gone wrong, that meeting with our known timewaster friend.
I also told her she needs to stop focusing on talking about what has gone wrong and focus on a specific task she has been unable to complete for about three years of underemployment, namely updating her CV (resume) in order to apply for jobs. She replied she gets catatonic and stares at the page for hours, unable to write a sentence.
She added that she can't always hide it from me when she is suffering, she can't always put a brave face on, she can't only give me fake smiles and attempts at lightheartedness when she is truly in despair. I replied that I don't only have lighthearted and humorous conversations with her. I asked her whether what she wanted from me was just sympathy, because I have tried to come up with helpful suggestions and I am her biggest ally and advocate.
She then stated that she had made an effort to improve her lot, by going to that "professional meeting". I told her it was no such thing, that it was a clear decision by her to waste her own time and energy. She told me I am not helping, so I replied that she is not helping me. She couldn't handle what I said and ended the call.
I realize now that no matter how direct I was being, this was too blunt and perhaps too involved. I was responding emotionally, my impatience and discomfort at receiving the complaints got the better of me. It was setting a boundary in an impulsive, brutal and confrontational way rather than in an effective and peaceful way.
Additionally, I've recently been receiving attention from people with a far more content frame of mind (attention which I liked) so I wonder whether the contrast with her made me more impatient.
I am still lost as to where to strike a balance between: "being able to discuss it when needed versus producing very own made-for-tv melodrama; venting emotions out loud versus victimhood"
Trouble is, she seems unable to effectively help herself. She is taking action, but it is the illusion of self-care, often like Don Quixote taking on windmills.
So "ask for help when i am over my limit, but remain willing to do for myself whenever possible" leaves her only with the option of asking for help. I don't know what help I can give.
Sure, "effective support is even more effective when i am willing to be a simple cheerleader" but I am not going to be a cheerleader for Quixotic madness. So what can be effective support, in that case?
Right, "keep an open mind but not so open that your brain falls out" - I am feeling both.
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