Control Over Myself

[Meadowsweet]

Since my last trauma, the need to be in control of myself and what can happen in my life has become huge. It's that need to be in control that drives many of my PTSD symptoms. Especially avoidance.

But it's so damn contradictory, because the need to control controls me. And it creates symptoms of anxiety and dissociation that make me feel out of control.

But it's also becoming the biggest barrier to processing trauma, because I am so afraid of losing control of myself. But I feel like if I as much as cry, it will all come flooding out and take over me. So the closer to the surface feelings and memories get, the harder I get on myself to try and maintain control of myself.

I have this fight going on inside myself, in which I want to get the emotions out of me, I want to offer myself comfort and good counsel, but the control freak in me wants to maintain control and keep it all away.

It feels like there's no way out. My need to protect myself is destroying me.

I think this has to be a subject for therapy this week. But i wanted to ask here too. what happens if I lose control? What do I do to let stuff out and not lose it? I don't have anyone to take care of me, so I have to keep some.

 

[Anna]

I find excercising helps, or just shouting out loud. Somehow the negative energy needs to come out, it is finding a positive way of doing it that can be difficult.

I found also creating a routine helps to somehow make me feel safe.

I got myself an excercise bicycle, I also do cardio at home. When I feel angry I do sit ups and press ups. If I feel like my trauma is overwhelming me I will try and do something to take my mind of it. I watch a comedy or call someone ask how they are, (and trust me some people can talk for hours). It helps to take my mind off of me.

 

[Abstract]

My need to protect myself is destroying me.

This is exactly how I feel but with a slightly different context.

It's ironic me giving any advice of this type, but would it really be so bad to loose control? Your t will have seen people loose control all the time. It might actually be a relief. You are allowed to be overcome with grief. It is horrible stuff.

What about asking her if you can devote the last part of the session to grounding and balancing? Tell her your concerns. That you feel you won't be able to get back into functional mode if you let go. You might be able to prepare better by having your planned discussion about control, its symbolism and your fears. That sounds like a good idea as she may have some suggestions for you.

I do think our ways of coping, despite having their uses and place, can be what keep us from healing. That is without a doubt where I presently am at.

 

[Hashi]

Meadowsweet, I think it might help to work on containment.

Do you ever use images like carefully taking an emotion out of a box, talking about it in therapy, then putting it back away in the box and locking it securely?

My therapist has a ritual where she asks me to leave what we talked about in the room with her when I go, and she will keep hold of it for me.

A great image that someone suggested to me for journalling about things that could become overwhelming is to draw a door on one page of the journal, write on pages after that, then draw the back view of a door under the final page of writing. When I'm done, I watch myself close the door page over what I've written and emphasise to myself that it's shut away. If it's electronic, you could password the document and move it to a folder with an appropriate name - "Secure vault" or something.

The aim is to be able to do work inside a controlled area, rather than the control blocking you off completely from doing the work. Working with the control freak rather than against it.

Using imagery like this ties in with having good grounding, coping and distraction skills for containment. There's a trauma therapist called Babette Rothschild who talks about this - I don't know if this video would be helpful (aimed at therapists, but I think useful for clients too):

 

[Meadowsweet]

Thank you everyone.

Hashi, my old therapist taught me the locking it away visualisation. I had forgotten that one. I will have to watch the video later when I'm alone, but I think I will give the locking it away exercise, at least to help me feel safe. I am so darned frightened at the moment! It's ridiculous.

 

[rightkindofme]

I worry about having control over myself when I am around people. (I went to a party last night because I was trying to be brave. I shouldn't have. Two women who used to be close friends but who no longer like me were there. It was awful.)

Do you worry about "keeping control" even when you are alone? I cry a lot. I have to. Sometimes I cry for hours for many days in a row--but I do it in private.

In order to avoid completely freaking out at the party last night I just made sure I was upstairs and they stayed downstairs. Awkward.

 

[Meadowsweet]

Do you worry about "keeping control" even when you are alone?

Yes I do. I don't mean physically. When I have been out of control, my physical reaction is to curl up and shake and dissociate. But it scares me how into myself, or into my past my mind goes. I went through a stage of crying so much, and at times, I had to pull my car over to get myself together. I don't want to go there again.

You did well at the party, just to stay there and get through it. Well done.

 

[Abstract]

Hashi's advice is much better than mine and helpful to me too so thank you Hashi. I too actually use some similar methods of containment although I had not thought of them as imagery. Dah. Not sure why not.

I think part of it is about shame for me and part is the real feeling and risk that once out it will take over. But I try to let the walls down a little in lesser situations as much as possible as I figure it is good practice building tolerance, convincing myself it is safer, and lessoning the shame. A bit like releasing a little steam from the pressure cooker.

Oh and I too go into shaking and dissociating pretty easily. Trying to have acceptance of that too. In a radical acceptance way where I still work on it of course. It is a releasing of that energy after all.

 

[Meadowsweet]

The other thing with this, is that I've had it drummed into me that showing any emotion is being out of control, and that it will hurt other people to see it.

 

[Abstract]

Exactly. And I think that is where part of it comes for me. So work around feeling Ok to express it has been helpful to me.

I still very easily go into a shame response if I think people are dissaproving of my emotions.

And the work I have done on it has helped enormously as for most of my therapy I processed almost zero emotional content. It was a revelation to realise that healing does not come without. And that messy and emotional is actually ok and even appropriate at times.

 

[rightkindofme]

I suppose that I am ok with the crying in private. I think of it as active stress relief. I was not allowed to cry when I was being abused. Now I can. No one is allowed to take away my right to cry about what happened to me. It was horrifying and shitty. Anyone would cry.

(I don't think you are implying anything about me. I have had people try to tell me it is inappropriate. I don't talk to them anymore.)

No one else gets to tell me that I shouldn't have feelings. f*ck them.

So yeah. I have a lot of issues with being shamed for my emotions too.

 

[mamachick]

In the past I have used a book of daily affirmations, my favorite is an ACOA. I have found them to be very encouraging. Obviously, none of the affirmation books with a daily message have a daily message that apply to me, so there are favorite pages that address my issues. At the time, I was surrounded my toxic family and extreme negativity. Ones that said " I have the right to happiness......"Today I will let go of others... -were very helpful and a message that encouraged me to take happiness back. Wow, I wish I listened to my own suggestions.

Anyway, I think writing our own affirmation and having it handy and reading it every morning and throughout the day can really help. Writing your own makes it very unique and specific to the message that you need for yourself.
It might say something like this:

I cannot prevent the thoughts that I have from coming into my conscious, but I have the power to decide to change them whenever I decide. When I do chose to allow thoughts that are upsetting to me in order to process, my trauma, I will allow myself to cry for as long as I need, knowing that I will not go crazy, I will not be out of control, and the tears will help me to heal. I will be able to comfort myself. I will use xy and z as comforting tools. It is my choice to allow myself to feel the pain. I am strong, I have survived the events and I can survive......

I think it is really important to put your strengths in there and be specific. I know that it sounds too simple and it is not, but our brain has been hi-jacked and while this is a bit of -fake it til you make it, I do think that it really can work because the things that you state in your message are true about yourself. Our brain just needs to be reminded all the time until our heart gets it too.

rightkindofme-you survived that party and you are stronger than you think. I know how that feels to be very uncomfortable, but you did it and should be proud.