Coping Mechanisms

[Friday]

Not sure this is the right forum...


I'm beginning to wonder if I've thrown the baby out with the bathwater.

This is my 2nd bad run. The first was a long time ago, and lasted 5 years. During that entire time I was functional. Seriously crazy, but functional. I worked. I had relationships, both romantic and platonic. I was a walking disaster but I managed myself. I did it by using all the usual suspects to bridge the gap between functional and not.

This time, I didn't want to go back there. It's been painfully hard not to, and I've come very very close to simply taking off for parts unknown I don't know how many times. I've lost a lot of time. I can't work. I can't sleep (well, or consistently at any rate, half the time all I do is sleep). If I wasn't getting repaid on loans I'd have no income at all. Just effing symptomatic, minus self medicating. Blah. Boring list. I'm bored by it, at any rate, because it's now almost 3 years into this run, and I can't take care of myself. I just keep getting worse. There's no bottom. I've got a shovel, apparently, and I can dig.

So I look at then, and I look at now... And frankly I'm seeing more success then than now.

I don't know if I'm trying to justify bad coping mechanisms I already know the outcome to, or if I've thrown the baby out with the bathwater by going completely puritanical and refusing to do any kind of self medicating. I can't trust my own judgement.

Thoughts?

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I think the difference between bad coping mechanisms and good coping mechanisms is that the bad ones can eventually lead to an even worse state of mind. For example, many drink to cope, and it helps in the short terms, but oftentimes leads to even bigger problems (dependency, misuse, addiction, etc). Also, being a workaholic....you may be "all systems go" and making a ton of money, but at the same time burning out your adrenal system (recovering from that isn't fun or easy, and if it tanks, you have no choice but to slow down/stop.) Good coping skills don't have these sorts of drawbacks in that they will more often than not lead you to a better place without possible long term negative effects. I'm not saying that every good coping skill will be a good coping skill for you, but I think you know what I mean.

Sorry, I don't keep up with all of your posts....are you in therapy or seeing a psychiatrist? Are meds an option? I really do urge you to learn those positive coping skills as they will be with you for life and won't continue the path of destruction. I'm not even sure that your body would allow you to cope as you previously did....it seems like before you were doing high functioning coping, whereas now you may need more healthy, low functioning coping?

 

[Underdog]

@FridayJones , sorry to hear you are having another rough patch. Myself, I had been better for almost a year and a half, and the intrusive thoughts were finally getting fewer and fewer. I felt I was nearly myself again with just a few hurdles to jump before I was fully back in full swing. I fell in love with cooking again, I could maintain the garden and my orchid collection, could stay on top of volunteer work, etc... Then WHAM!!!! It all came flooding back without warning and I thought without cause. I was wrong on all counts.

I'm agreeing with @Solara in regards to those questions. I know I was not on any medication and certainly had not seriously taken responsibility for learning my own coping skills at that point (and sometimes still find myself not wanting to do so). It did teach me many things though. The severity wasn't as bad, although it certainly was painful. It showed me that I have to take responsibility, including removing all stimulants and depressants from my life. Started showing me how many other things were connected and were triggers that I didn't know about, and also got me learning more about this.

I know it's a tough road and I am so sorry it has lasted so long. Hoping you find the peace you deserve and the ability to love and respect yourself for where you are. The fact that you are seeing more successes this time around is excellent, and I hope you can continue seeing those glimpses of hope and success through this time and can be stronger for it.

 

[Friday]

Realizing being angry at myself while posting is probably a bad idea. That was pretty vague, wasn't it?

Therapy, yes. Meds, on holiday. They're short acting. Just means riding all my attacks, now instead of about 2/3s of them.

Before (a lot of) : Sex, alcohol, drugs, dangerous work, dangerous play, no roots.

When I'm doing well I have gentler versions of most of the above. Decent sex life, light alcohol, work I have to be on my toes for, high adrenaline play instead of "if I screw this up I'm dead" play. (Like climbing vs free-climbing, or martial arts vs bar fights outside of my weight class), a variety of relationships and connections with people & places, travel for fun instead of compulsively.

Right now, everything is cut out. I switched gears in my head and went from want/enjoy to need/self destruct. Which scared me. I survived needing oblivion last time. But that was luck, not skill. Same token, those same things let me have a life.

 

[Hashi]

@FridayJones, have I understood correctly? Last time you used poor coping mechanisms/taking things to excess and it helped you to function. This time you aren't using poor coping mechanisms/taking things to excess and you're doing much worse - so you're wondering if choosing not to use poor coping mechanisms/taking things to excess has been a mistake?

Where do good coping mechanisms fit into this? I don't mean the usual suspects but in moderation, I mean working on particular skills, techniques and other activities.

 

[Friday]

@Hashi ... Not sure I've found good coping mechanisms. But, yes. Otherwise 100% accurate.

 

[Hashi]

In that case, wouldn't good coping mechanisms be the baby you threw out? The bad coping mechanisms are the bathwater.

 

[Underdog]

I would recommend you ask your therapist about developing "tools" to help you through this and to build once you are over the hump. You might also want to consider those medications again. I know I hate meds, but I also met be realistic with myself and acknowledge when I need them. As for those tools, I got so frustrated with them through this because they only worked for a moment then I was back. When I told my psychoanalyst about that she said: "That's exactly how they are supposed to work. It takes time to build them up so you can break the cycle." Probably part of why I personally have a hard time practicing them daily, because I don't see the long or short term benefits like I do other behaviors/bad coping mechanisms.

Adding: not sure if those are discussions you've had with your therapist before or not though, so just throwing those thoughts out there.

 

[Hashi]

I agree with @Underdog. The tools are unlikely to work well at first - if they did, we wouldn't need to be learning them. It's like exercise - you have to build up muscle and stamina through consistent repetition, and then you have to keep exercising to maintain it.

For each individual, some tools are going to work better than others. There are always going to be things that work for someone. I have no idea of the kind of things you've tried (qigong, for example? Dialectical Behaviour Therapy skills?), but I think you need to keep working on finding things for you and practising them a lot.

I actually think there's an argument for tapering off unhealthy coping mechanisms rather than going cold turkey, but it's always got to be while building up other skills. To simply come to the conclusion that unhealthy coping mechanisms might not be such a bad idea - hmmm, nice try but...

 

[Jane.l]

The problem I find is that the good, healthy coping skills always feel like - well , a bit flimsy for the job - it's like fighting a burning inferno with a water pistol . Where as on the surface the bad coping mechanisms seem a lot more fitting - I can't stand this anymore - I need to get off my head , I will drink/drug myself into oblivion. Trouble is although that makes more sense to me than focusing on mindful breathing - and sometimes it sort of works - generally you actually end up in a worse place , more depressed, more flashbacks, more anxiety, more guilt and shame and lower self esteem - beating yourself up about not being able to cope or get to grips with these healthy ways of coping .

But so many people on here find they use these things to great effect - so it must be me being crap - actually I am trying not to be too down on myself today, so maybe it's just I haven't got to the right place to be able to utilise these things yet - maybe we are just in the wrong place? Maybe there's still too much repressed crap that has to be dealt with first.

What I am trying to say ? I think I am saying that although the bad coping habits can seem more effective - actually we are kidding ourselves and they make things a whole lot worse - but I haven't worked out wtf to do about it - and as my T likes to point out maybe the good coping skills would be more effective if I cut out the bad stuff. He has a point but if I could , I would - working on it.

Sorry you have having such a rough time .

 

[Recovery4Me]

My rule of thumb being ADHD is if it feels flat then it is probably in the healthy range. If it feels suffocating then I need to find an outlet that doesn't involve me parachuting without insurance. I am at that stage now, where I need to re-channel my compression of energy. I think for me it is called learning to having fun (without courting self destruct) or sticking my head in the mouth of a lion for the rush to feel alive.

I have been 'good' for three years too and I am now considering a few new hobbies. Been looking at pink glocks and considering training again at a facility for instructor licensing as well as gigong for my good balance days. Since guns frighten most people, I will probably settle for the marshal arts to start (as it feels flatter).

 

[scout86]

I wasn't going to reply, then I reread your first post and noticed you'd asked for thoughts, not solutions. "Thoughts" I have. Not so sure I have "solutions", though.

It's my impression, right this second anyway, that all those negative coping mechanisms only SEEM like they work. I guess they work, to the extent that they make you forget what else has been going on, or give you something else to worry about, but, in the long run, they don't FIX anything, they just postpone dealing with it. Unless you manage to get yourself killed in the process, of course, which is one way to "solve" things, permanently.

You have a son, as I remember, so you have a responsibility to him that kind of trumps the temptation to get too carried away with your coping mechanisms. From what I've read, you sound like a pretty concerned and good parent. So, your kid is a pretty good reason to find effective non-self destructive coping skills. What kind of coping skills would you like HIM to learn? Because a lot of what he learns he'll learn from you.

You're right, you were pretty vague. You were even kind of vague after you noted that you'd been vague. Have you identified what, specifically, you're coping WITH at the moment? You may or may not want to share that here, but I find it helps to identify what, specifically, is the problem at a given moment. I honestly don't always have an answer for that, myself. Lately, there's been something vaguely eating at me and I don't know what it is. Maybe it's the time of year. I tend to move in the spring and fall. It's nearly fall here. I've been in the same place over 4 years. Maybe I've been here too long...... And maybe "running away from home" is one of my own negative coping skills, although it never has seemed real negative to me. But, I guess until I figure out exactly what's eating at me, I'll have a hard time doing anything constructive about it.

So, how do you define "success"? What, specifically, is keeping you from doing things like working? What other things would you like to be doing that you're not doing? (Leaving drugs, alcohol, and unsafe sex off the list of things you'd "like" to be doing. I meant leading a "normal" life type stuff.) What are the roadblocks to the life you'd like to have? What symptoms are the biggest problems right now?