Core Beliefs & Counters


I am an aggressive and brutal bitch
I spent a hard time with aggression. From the place where I came, being completely aggressive, all the time, without any pause, was the only way to survive. Now I have to unlearn these situations and make myself approachable. But I don’t need to hate myself for the moments aggression did happen; it was a correct response. I have to see the good in a behavior before letting it go.

I have a darkness and am so heavy to be around, I have to do something to hide this or no one is going to like or love me
It is true that I have a darkness. But it doesn’t mean I have to be heavy all the time. Still I have the right to be heavy, as long as I’m gentle. I don’t have to hide and if people cannot deal with that, then it would have been a loss of time in any case. Exception made for work relationships. But some people do love me precisely for that. For that density. It’s part of me and there is no sense into trying to conform to something I don’t even know what it should be.

I am unreliable.
Actually, I’m very reliable. Except when the PTSD kicks in. Then I shut down. But this isn’t the nature of my character, and it shouldn’t be felt as a judgement over my person. I have to understand that I have to work around certain things, but my honesty and loyalty can compensate the moments I’m crossing potholes. Still, that can make me unfit for work.

I’ll never have the career I dreamed of
It is actually happening, of course not in the ways I visualized. It’s happening in a very much less naive way and I did let go of that spirit of competition. So yes, in a sense it isn’t what I expected, but it’s much better than expected. My way might be longer and weirder than many of my peers, still it is valid and it is what is right for me.

I failed myself in the most important moments
When I was raped, I frost. I could not understand why. Because I’m combative. I don’t know why after I also followed in total fawn mode and pretended nothing happened until a week after. I felt like I betrayed myself, all my values, and somehow lost a battle in my war against life. I surrendered and couldn’t see I had alternatives. Now I now this is a very common response and it’s not a defect of my person, it’s how fear works.

I don’t now how to work.
I do know how to work. But there are moments where it becomes impossible because of PTSD. I have to be selective in what I choose and not to take anything just for the sake of it. I am very good at what I do. I have to have more respect towards my achievements and not keep looking at the moments I did fail.

People who love me are nuts.
This I think it has to be at least partially true. But the good news is that I, too, like people who are nuts. Not too much. But at least a little.