Core Beliefs & Counters

[RussellSue]

Anti-social personality because empathy doesn’t come easy to me:

Who says or said this? >>>>>>For me empathy comes through analyzing.. I have to work for it, it’s not natural. Really? Who says this? Who feels this way?

Im still investigating..

I am often intensely empathetic toward people who are obviously struggling such as mothers in hospital waiting rooms but everyday stuff like so-and-so failed to do his job pretty much never brings up a sense of human empathy for me. I assume the worst and frankly, I suspect I am usually correct. I am quick to empathize in situations that I have experience with but what I don't understand could fill volumes and gets less consideration -- this, I think is pretty human. So, the idea that empathy would come through analyzing, I would also consider a normal human thing. How can you really empathize when you don't understand?

I was diagnosed with obsessive compulsive personality disorder at one point, but that dx didn't stick for more than a month. Nevertheless, I wonder about it often because I can really become an asshole when shit doesn't get done by the book. Where the line is between run of the mill anxiety disorder or PTSD and a personality disorder like OCPD, I really don't know. I do know that it was my lack of empathy for people not doing shit "right" that won me this dx probably about 10 years ago now.

 

[zaniara]

I've had many, negative ones, therapy helped change some of them.

Still:

"I'm dangerous."
"I'm always too much."
"Life isn't safe."
"Being happy and creative will unleash hell."

(Last one is new to my awareness. Not sure I understand how that one came to be formed or how it connects to anything. But it's 'real'.)

( As for life not being safe ... = no, but sometimes wonderful and at least interesting and not too boring. Even though my adhd make me think so sometimes..)

 

[Rani G2]

@RussellSue

Nevertheless, I wonder about it often because I can really become an asshole when shit doesn't get done by the book.

You are reflecting on your own behaviour that makes you a real human as well RussellSue. Im not able right now to say much about empathy, Disorders and how I’d classify my own mode of behavior. For a long time I believed there are deficits in my limbic system, so this statement is based on? Just a feeling.. and my behaviors as a child. It’s too long and irrational.. so it’s really hard for me to tell.

Thanks for asking

 

[Rani G2]

No ideal thought-action to place against this. It’s the Distortion potpourri:

>>>>>having a mother that is dealing with her Cancer Diagnosis, paranoia and a stepfather (Bi polar) Who gets in touch with me once in a while, therapy and memories/Grief arriving>>>>>
People showing their concern, being compassionate which is something I don’t Do well. Grateful for people being there? Yes I am, but If someone says „I am so sorry for what you are going through now“.. (Family member saying this...)Which makes me slightly aggressive. Has a lot Do with, who this person is, and how I relate to them? Truly meant or saying something to fill the awkward gap? >>>>>

Feelings showing? Urghhhh

 

[zaniara]

So.. I have this one coming and going. And right now being triggered:

"I will not live long. I will die of something bad or cancer early in life."

Which at these moments where I'm not doing well physically get scared and also thinks :

"If I can't stop thinking like this I will certainly do die early, since then I'm programming my self to do so. (placebo-effect)"

I really wish I knew how to change this deeply rooted belief..

 

[Friday]

Anti-social personality because empathy doesn’t come easy to me:

Who says or said this? >>>>>>For me empathy comes through analyzing.. I have to work for it, it’s not natural. Really? Who says this? Who feels this way?

Im still investigating..

It’s a helluva lot easier for me to SHOW empathy, when my emotions are entirely shut off & I feel nothing. Snort. So many/most people think I feel when I don’t, and think I don’t, when I do. What I’ve learned? People who read me wrong, don’t get my time.

I’m not a trained dog. I don’t perform on demand.

 

[Friday]

"I will not live long. I will die of something bad or cancer early in life."

‘Sense of foreshortened future’ used to be on the symptom list. Poetry in that. Meaning truth.

It’s still included in the symptom list, it’s just not listed out individually, but contained within cognitive distortions & core beliefs segment.

Ive gone off on rants before about all the BS ‘live like there’s no tomorrow’ & ‘live in the moment’ motivational quotes... I HATE living like that, because it’s not living, it’s surviving. If there’s no tomorrow? I’m not sending my kid to school, or paying my rent, or going to bed. A GOOD life? Requires at least acting as if tomorrow is real, even if it doesn’t feel like it is. It’s a hard road to walk. Even knowing that feelings aren’t facts... and even harder knowing I can’t trust my own judgement & assessment of situations.

^^^ I knoooooow it’s both ends trying to reach the middle... other people are so swept up in tomorrow & tommorow they miss out on their life, today. I get so caught in the moment, I cannot even believe I’ll be here, tomorrow.

So I try and PLAN as if I’ll be here, even if I don’t feel it, or believe it.

 

[Survivor3]

Despite horrible people from my past trying to humiliate me and cause me harm, I haven't stopped living for the possibility of what tommorow holds for me.

I even had a heart attack that lasted for four hours but I point blank refused to f*cking die. The docters told me i should be dead. No! f*ck that! Try harder next time mother f*ckers.

 

[mumstheword]

On the empathy note;

I've realised empathizing with the negative people in my life got me in a hellavalota trouble for waaay too many years.

I had to "switch off" just to survive.

Those that say "autism is a lack of empathy" don't know what they are talking about. Autism is about such overload and processing difficulties that we go into "meltdown" or "shutdown".

Combined with a deficit in oxytocin production which isn't "a lack of empathy" in fact we are drowning in sensory overload and that can included feeling the feelings of other's, which is, I think the experience of empathy?

I could be wrong. But I thought sympathy was understanding what others were going through and empathy is feeling the same feelings? Like mirror neurons, mirroring the exact same feelings.

But my experience is getting utterly lost in the feelings of others and having a nearly non-existant sense of self. Very awful and disorienting. Especially when those people are extremely, toxically mentally ill-at-ease or exploitative.

This has only remedied by becoming involved with another highly empathetic Aspie like myself.

The misguided myth that "Aspies/Auties don't experience empathy" has done me harm, being fobbed off as though I couldn't be on the spectrum, when extensive research of other female Aspie/Auties brings me confirmation that a very typical female Aspergers/Autism 1 is exacty what I am dealing with.

So, my point is ...too much empathy can be just as difficult to deal with as "not enough" and can be mistaken for the same thing, when the person is dissociating just to survive the empathy overload.

 

[RussellSue]

too much empathy can be just as difficult to deal with as "not enough" and can be mistaken for the same thing, when the person is dissociating just to survive the empathy overload

This happens to my mother - having a little girl with a facial deformity was a shit storm for her. It is hard to deal with because given our history, it's very easy to think she's just not interested in playing mom, anymore. When I injured myself last year, she vanished. I had to talk myself out of being pissed at her but I have watched her do this stuff over the years AND be overly empathetic toward outright dangerous people, too. After 40 years of her being my mother, I know what to expect from her if I am paying attention to her patterns and not how I feel, and most especially, not how other people see it. She is extremely empathetic. That's why she must stay isolated on her 60 acres -- when she leaves there, desperate people find her. I'm not a huge fan of my stepfather but have to admit that his grouchy demeanor keeps her a whole lot safer than she would be on her own. He won't put up with people. That's damned lucky for my mom.

I have some of this myself but not on the level my mother does. It has to be hard to deal with.

I think it is wonderful that you are aware that this happens to you, even if you maybe can't talk about it in the moment. My mother is not aware of it and will not discuss it, ever. I think this makes things a lot worse.

 

[mumstheword]

This happens to my mother - having a little girl with a facial deformity was a shit storm for her. It is hard to deal with because given our history, it's very easy to think she's just not interested in playing mom, anymore. When I injured myself last year, she vanished. I had to talk myself out of being pissed at her but I have watched her do this stuff over the years AND be overly empathetic toward outright dangerous people, too. After 40 years of her being my mother, I know what to expect from her if I am paying attention to her patterns and not how I feel, and most especially, not how other people see it. She is extremely empathetic. That's why she must stay isolated on her 60 acres -- when she leaves there, desperate people find her. I'm not a huge fan of my stepfather but have to admit that his grouchy demeanor keeps her a whole lot safer than she would be on her own. He won't put up with people. That's damned lucky for my mom.

I have some of this myself but not on the level my mother does. It has to be hard to deal with.

I think it is wonderful that you are aware that this happens to you, even if you maybe can't talk about it in the moment. My mother is not aware of it and will not discuss it, ever. I think this makes things a lot worse.

I wonder if this might be what is going on with my mum. I'm not sure if she's on the spectrum, but, is very probably "highly sensitive" and had a very emotionally abused and neglected childhood by her own mum, who shows very obvious traits of Aspergers/Autism 1.

She is exceedingly dissociative, avoidant, has to live in the bush, and is very clunky with people, and, like you, I have had to deal with her being noticeably absent and refusing to support or help me when I've been in major crisis'.

I can't talk to my ma about stuff, really, self accountability stuff, she denies and projects, and amazes, shocks and stultifies me with her lack of self awareness.

Re your stepfather. I'm the same. My guy is not grouchy, per sae, but won't put up with BS from anyone and is fiercely protective of me, for good reason.

He provides a buffer zone and a forcefield that stops me being a needy-and-exploitative- people-magnet, which was draining me down to near fatal levels, when I met him.

 

[RussellSue]

He provides a buffer zone and a forcefield that stops me being a needy-and-exploitative- people-magnet, which was draining me down to near fatal levels, when I met him.

That is great. Some of us really do need the extra help. I used to be really bad that way, too, but got help learning to instead be pretty standoffish many years ago.

Most of my family is not diagnosed on the spectrum but after my nephew was diagnosed, a lot of things seemed to make sense, especially regarding my mother who is high functioning but almost never didn't have help from her parents. I can't say for sure but the ways she resembles my nephew are pretty amazing. I do know that the empathy she had for me as a kid was over the top and really more than she could handle. It made her nuts.

My mother's lack of awareness is also pretty astounding. It really does make it hard to sort anything out.

Best of luck to you with hopefully figuring out your mother. It's hard work trying to understand people who cannot provide you with much insight into themselves.