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Core Beliefs & Counters

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@mumstheword Maybe separate?

As unpopular opinions don't yet mean unpopular person...

And there is a difference of *why* some opinions get objected. It's not necessarily about "popularity", but how well something conforms to facts or the impact it has on actual people... where people may honor both actualness and people's lives by objection...

... and that has no bearing on how they feel about the speaker or respect them as a person. :sneaky:

@airdog Relate to belonging issues cutting especially deep, even more if you are from different cultural background / literally migrant to where you are...

But all the kudos on amazing identification of a core belief :D

And you pretty much shown you belong in this thread of people trying to wrap heads round core beliefs, too. :sneaky:
This has been a revelation to me today. I'm quite excited by it.

Core belief: it was normal teenage sexual exploration and nothing to be upset about.

Counter: it was abusive and exploitative as it was with adult men in their 20's -40's and you were under age, and then just over the age of consent. Most teenagers experiment with other teenagers.

I think this might actually resonate with me and make me shift in my stuck thinking that *nothing happened*.
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One of my big ones is I have no value/I am worthless unless I am actively making myself useful. I stop being valuable when I have nothing else to give.

Others would be better without me. I deserve it when people treat me poorly.

I'm still struggling to work around all of these. Those are the big ones.
People don't like me

It's not safe to be me, except with a tiny few

I can't find an "in"

I'm trapped

I'm committed to unpopular facts so I'm doomed to be forever unpopular

I've had to be too independent so I don't know how to rely on other's

People aren't safe, they are ignorant, hostile and clicky, I'm never part of a click

Counter 1: Some people do like me.

Counter 2: It is safe to be me, when I listen to my intuition and act in a way, prudent and sensible.

Counter 3: I have an "in" here, and with my kids and partner and I am just as much part of my society, culture and environment as any one else I share them with.

Counter 4: I'm not trapped, I'm where I am coz it's where I'm meant to be right now.

Counter 5: I'm not committed to unpopular facts, I'm just a deep thinker who's (sometimes) obsessed over "truisms" and some of those are facts who's time hasn't yet arrived, on the wider stage of common knowledge.

Counter 6: I'm, actually not too independent, I'm somewhat self reliant, but that's not a bad thing, and I'm quite interdependent and able to work with other's. I'm, actually, quite a good team player.

Counter 7: Some people are like that, but plenty aren't. If I am open, friendly and still able to practise wise discernment, I will find myself in the company of like-minded people, because that happens.
Core Belief: The human race is rotten.
Counter: Only a large portion of the human race is really rotten which includes all of the drunks and cocaine addicts you grew up around. Some people are in this with good hearts, a sense of responsibility and real humanitarian concern.

Core belief: I am in the way.
Counter: I have as much right to be on the planet as they do. (But this one is hard because sometimes I cop an attitude about it like the person I felt in the way of was being a dick - even if he/she was not - like this chip on my shoulder was caused by the whole damned planet which references back to the first core belief.)

Core Belief: I am not a woman but a sexless being that attracts no one.
Counter: Ahem... Bullshit!! Who got voted the most likely crush in high school? Yeah, that was you. You know there's more where that came from. Calm down.

Core belief: I'm fat
Counter: You have a 28" waist and you are 40. And anyway, who cares?

Core belief: Having male pattern hair growth makes me less of a woman.
Counter: First of all, you remove so damned much hair daily, no one would ever know. Secondly, there are hairy women all over the place. Third, it has nothing to do with womanhood, it has to do with your shit luck.

Core Belief: I am an inferior employee.
Counter: Like most things, you are just insecure. You don't pay attention to praise when you get it and you assume that every minor mistake you have ever made has been huge.

Core Belief: My willingness to be candid about my struggles is seen as a weakness.
Counter: Probably less than you think. Sure, it can be arranged as a point of ridicule but in real life, people wish they could handle their shit.
I really feel like these aren't actually incorrect but these are what I think my old T would have considered questionable core beliefs. Some of these I can't write in "I" form because it feels too personal.

Others can't be relied on to follow through, do it right, etc. so if it matters you better do it yourself.
Counter - (crickets)

People asking me questions are looking for flaws/holes, demanding I justify myself, want me to prove I did not mess this up. Nobody's really JUST asking for facts or bouncing ideas off me.
Counter - none really, but I'm getting better at sticking to facts and not over-explaining.

People making suggestions or opinions or giving directions (even at work) are trying to control me.
Counter - "well, they are my boss/that's the law so fine." Outside of work I just grit my teeth and remind myself they think they're contributing, and i listen for whether they are really issuing orders. Outside of work I relish that it's up to me to take or not take advice.

Don't assume this relationship, person, job, or other circumstance will be here next time because one f*ckup is all it'll take to burn it to hell (and you will f*ck up). Don't settle in.
Counter - I don't really have a counter but am trying to stay in the habit of taking stock of the times in each relationship, job, etc. that I've been forgiven for/able to move past the kinds of minor f*ckups I'd give someone else a pass for.
Counter 2 - Some people stay despite some real big f*ckups and weirdness, and seem genuine about not holding it against me for later.

[Person] will drop you in a second when they discover how stupid, inhuman (robotic, not mean), or just gross and weak you are. If you need help or accept it you're a pain in the ass. Even if they spontaneously offer.
Counter - again, it's more keeping track of how many times it hasn't happened vs. how many times it has.
Counter 2 - if/when one of them does, I've learned something about them.

Authorities are not to be trusted.
Counter - none.

What doesn't kill you is nothing to take a sick day over. Malingerer/Drama queen/crybaby/attention-seeker. You're not really sick/no pain is worth a sick day unless bleeding profusely, something's broken, or you can't operate a body part.
Counter - I have a few baseline checks that if I can't accomplish at the time or they make it worse, I know I should not be out and about. History has shown that pushing through and going anyway means a day of poorly done work, at best & even worse illness or pain afterward. And "if Spouse, Friend, or Employee was having this issue would I tell them to take a sick day?"

Self-care is stupid bullshit pinky-pink girl activities for self-indulgent stupid girly girls and people who've actually got something to recover from. I don't need or deserve that crap. And it softens you and makes you weak.
Counter - I don't call it self care & I treat it as a preventative measure, but I do usually still feel like it's making me soft in a bad way.

You can't be upset because I meant well, know you better than you know yourself, and I say this is normal.
Counter - intent and effect are different. And I am positive it's uncommon, even for "people like me."

I had X, Y, or Z privilege so A, B and C weren't really anything to complain about.
Counter - (cricket noises)

I'm remembering this wrong, misinterpreted it then, or otherwise just have it all down wrong.
Counter - remembering that when I have recounted facts or described a scenario to others, they were clear that they would find it disturbing if it was them.

Asking for help, concession, extended deadline, etc. is admitting failure & weakness. I can and must do things 100% myself, on deadline, no matter what.
Counter - Sometimes it's literally impossible and you look less capable throwing together a crappy on time result than you would recognizing the problem and constraints, and getting time, resources, and/or more hands to get it done right.
Counter 2 - People like to feel useful & doing everything yourself robs them of chances to feel useful, learn new things, etc.

Information is power & will be used against you later. The more personal the info, the worse it will be.
Counter - (cricket noises.)

Statistically MANY people have experienced trauma, so most other people I meet out in the world also have it. They just manage it better or got over it. Other people in my former situation probably experienced the same things as me and got over it OR are doing this version of "standing by their man".
Counter - people tell me stuff & I have learned there are LOTS of people walking around un-haunted by bullshit like this. Even ones with similar events.

"I could have/should have just [whatever] and avoided the whole damn thing." (Thus they are right & I chose this/It's my fault/I must've wanted it to happen after all)
Counter - more crickets.
All hurt and every bad thing in my life & the lives of others around me fundamentally stems from me and is my fault.

Counter: hmmm.

((( t u m b l e w e e d s)))

Turns out I could probably benefit from working towards identifying and implementing a counter..
I'll throw in a rudimentary "telling myself to snap out of it" until I come up with something better.

Core belief: All hurt and every bad thing in my life is my fault.
Counter: I'm not that much of a badass nor powerful enough to be able to control everything and everyone around me-and therefore I can't hold myself responsible for all the shit going on in my life and everyone elses.
Trauma, neglect and abuse (as child and adult) has permanently damaged me mentally and physically, limiting my options and possibilities in life.

I have no counter as all evidence points to this being true. While logically, I can't say the future will be better, I'd be surprised if it were. And if good things happened, I don't think I could feel or trust them as they are. Rather they'd just be a way for me to let my guard down and be hurt worse.

I welcome ideas for counters.

I remember when I had a similar mindset.....and was grieving for what I had lost, grieving for who I could have been but didn't think I'd ever be; grieving for what should have been, grieving for family and friends I had to walk away from to be able to leave the dysfunction behind and move forward, and grieving for all the lost or misused time in my life. Then, after a lot of depression and crying and talking in therapy; feeling like my past was me.....I realized I had to change that kind of thinking.....my past does not determine who I will become in the future. I do. I have that power, I make my decisions, I choose. I was not allowed to make many of those choices with my dysfunctional family, nor when I did, was I supported. When I got away from the dysfunctional people in my life, I was the only one who was left.....there was no one to blame for how my future turned out....just me. So, I thought of it as a do over.

I decided I needed a life goal and a written plan to make this kind of a life change. I also needed to change the messages I sent myself from negative ones to more positive and hopeful ones. Identifying a way to move forward with a plan that would make me...and only me happy was just a start. I needed to stop believing the distorted thinking...the core beliefs which kept me dysfunctional.....and I needed to have a realistic outcome that was within my power to create or make happen. Realizing I had power to live life happily....balanced by the notion that there is no perfect life....cause life gets in the way and throws me a curve ball to keep me on my toes..........that was a huge step to changing the way I think. In other words, there is no real normal and no perfect life.....but it is up to me to keep headed in the direction I want to go, and to stick to following a value system.....also important.

My overarching goal was to find contentment in everyday life.....I had never had a goal or a direction in life....I always just rolled with whatever came. My dysfunctional role was a fixer, but I never attempted to fix me....I thought it was my duty to fix everyone else and make them happy. To be contented, I had to change roles, change directions, experiment a lot with things that made me happy, get an exercise program and do creative things like art, music, camping, and make new healthy friendships with clear boundaries, and....above all....change my role- stop fixing. I had to get selfish and took care of me......neediness was not an option.

At some point, I started feeling more positive about things when I started trying out "the plan"- doing stuff, having fun, trying new things, ...it was only then that I stopped blaming everyone for my sad lot in life because that wasn't going to make me happy......that was not the road to my contentment. I also had to give myself an honest appraisal and own my shit.....how did I get where I was, what did I need to own and forgive myself for, what did I needed to change, what supports and education did I need to change my life's direction (therapy, blogs, books, information about PTSD, improve how I take care of my own medical health, etc.)Consider new habits will I need to create to change from the scared, sad-nonfunctioning person I was to a more functional and contented person. In the end, finding contentment in life is a life-long goal to work on a little each day....a little fun each day......adds up, but now I know I'm headed in the right direction.....even if it hasn't turned out exactly as I hoped (that's life...right?)

@yellowbrickroad Your core belief: Trauma, neglect and abuse (as child and adult) has permanently damaged me (you) mentally and physically, limiting my(your) options and possibilities in life.

Counter: Lots of people are born with or acquire limitations.....Limitations just require work-arounds and a bit of creativity. People who are PTSD/trauma survivors tend to be very creative.....because they are survivors. I likely have the skills, the knowledge, or creativity I need, to find a work-around or a solution(s) to living a more successful/productive/happy life.
My biggest core belief is definitely "I'm unlovable." It fits so perfectly into thinking that others only want me around when I have a use, and not because they care about me. Haven't really found a counter since I think, deep down, everyone does things subconsciously or consciously for their own needs. For instance, when people help me or are kind, it's because they want to gain my trust so I'll do things for them. I remember telling this to my boyfriend and having him say "How sad is it to think an act of kindness is selfish." It's really stuck with me.
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