Core Beliefs & Counters

[Ericcy]

My biggest core belief is definitely "I'm unlovable." It fits so perfectly into thinking that others only want me around when I have a use, and not because they care about me. Haven't really found a counter since I think, deep down, everyone does things subconsciously or consciously for their own needs. For instance, when people help me or are kind, it's because they want to gain my trust so I'll do things for them. I remember telling this to my boyfriend and having him say "How sad is it to think an act of kindness is selfish." It's really stuck with me.

 

[TruthSeeker]

My biggest core belief is definitely "I'm unlovable." It fits so perfectly into thinking that others only want me around when I have a use, and not because they care about me. Haven't really found a counter since I think, deep down, everyone does things subconsciously or consciously for their own needs. For instance, when people help me or are kind, it's because they want to gain my trust so I'll do things for them. I remember telling this to my boyfriend and having him say "How sad is it to think an act of kindness is selfish." It's really stuck with me.

But there is some truth to what you say, or someone wouldn't have thought up the saying....you get more with honey than with vinegar, or just kill them with kindness.....I think the key for me is if someone wants to be kind to me.....and I'm kind back....do I get the hints for an unnecessary favor.....yeah, I get this....I work on boundaries and that helps....I wish boundary setting came more naturally.

 

[ms spock]

@yellowbrickroad Your core belief: Trauma, neglect and abuse (as child and adult) has permanently damaged me (you) mentally and physically, limiting my(your) options and possibilities in life.

Counter: Lots of people are born with or acquire limitations.....Limitations just require work-arounds and a bit of creativity. People who are PTSD/trauma survivors tend to be very creative.....because they are survivors. I likely have the skills, the knowledge, or creativity I need, to find a work-around or a solution(s) to living a more successful/productive/happy life.

That's really good.

 

[rusty_maestro]

I am difficult or need to protect others from me.

I do not have good counter yet but I do chant I am grateful to be alive every time those two thoughts cross my mind.

Be who you are. Let other people set their own boundaries. They will tell you if you are out of line. Then you adjust.

 

[rusty_maestro]

My biggest core belief is definitely "I'm unlovable." It fits so perfectly into thinking that others only want me around when I have a use, and not because they care about me. Haven't really found a counter since I think, deep down, everyone does things subconsciously or consciously for their own needs. For instance, when people help me or are kind, it's because they want to gain my trust so I'll do things for them. I remember telling this to my boyfriend and having him say "How sad is it to think an act of kindness is selfish." It's really stuck with me.

I dont think youn are wrong in assuming a gain in what people do. Next time someone does something kind for you don't look at them dont say thank you and walk away. See how the person react. Bet ya they won't be smiling. Transaction analysis explains that. We all attention, its vital for our survival. So we will find ways to get it one way or another. So now that we no that lets assume that need and ask for it when we need it. Read games people play by Eric bern.

 

[TruthSeeker]

Be who you are. Let other people set their own boundaries. They will tell you if you are out of line. Then you adjust.

Boundaries are everyone's responsibility to create and communicate. One person cares enough to keep the relationship safe and predictable by being responsible and setting boundaries, while the other person hopefully cares enough to remember the boundaries and respect them. I feel safer in a relationship when everyone has boundaries....then I know what I can expect from the other person. I have found in my life, people who don't set boundaries themselves don't typically "get the concept of boundaries" or understand their importance, or really respect them, either.