Core Beliefs & Counters

[Ericcy]

My biggest core belief is definitely "I'm unlovable." It fits so perfectly into thinking that others only want me around when I have a use, and not because they care about me. Haven't really found a counter since I think, deep down, everyone does things subconsciously or consciously for their own needs. For instance, when people help me or are kind, it's because they want to gain my trust so I'll do things for them. I remember telling this to my boyfriend and having him say "How sad is it to think an act of kindness is selfish." It's really stuck with me.

 

[TruthSeeker]

My biggest core belief is definitely "I'm unlovable." It fits so perfectly into thinking that others only want me around when I have a use, and not because they care about me. Haven't really found a counter since I think, deep down, everyone does things subconsciously or consciously for their own needs. For instance, when people help me or are kind, it's because they want to gain my trust so I'll do things for them. I remember telling this to my boyfriend and having him say "How sad is it to think an act of kindness is selfish." It's really stuck with me.

But there is some truth to what you say, or someone wouldn't have thought up the saying....you get more with honey than with vinegar, or just kill them with kindness.....I think the key for me is if someone wants to be kind to me.....and I'm kind back....do I get the hints for an unnecessary favor.....yeah, I get this....I work on boundaries and that helps....I wish boundary setting came more naturally.

 

[ms spock]

@yellowbrickroad Your core belief: Trauma, neglect and abuse (as child and adult) has permanently damaged me (you) mentally and physically, limiting my(your) options and possibilities in life.

Counter: Lots of people are born with or acquire limitations.....Limitations just require work-arounds and a bit of creativity. People who are PTSD/trauma survivors tend to be very creative.....because they are survivors. I likely have the skills, the knowledge, or creativity I need, to find a work-around or a solution(s) to living a more successful/productive/happy life.

That's really good.

 

[rusty_maestro]

I am difficult or need to protect others from me.

I do not have good counter yet but I do chant I am grateful to be alive every time those two thoughts cross my mind.

Be who you are. Let other people set their own boundaries. They will tell you if you are out of line. Then you adjust.

 

[rusty_maestro]

My biggest core belief is definitely "I'm unlovable." It fits so perfectly into thinking that others only want me around when I have a use, and not because they care about me. Haven't really found a counter since I think, deep down, everyone does things subconsciously or consciously for their own needs. For instance, when people help me or are kind, it's because they want to gain my trust so I'll do things for them. I remember telling this to my boyfriend and having him say "How sad is it to think an act of kindness is selfish." It's really stuck with me.

I dont think youn are wrong in assuming a gain in what people do. Next time someone does something kind for you don't look at them dont say thank you and walk away. See how the person react. Bet ya they won't be smiling. Transaction analysis explains that. We all attention, its vital for our survival. So we will find ways to get it one way or another. So now that we no that lets assume that need and ask for it when we need it. Read games people play by Eric bern.

 

[TruthSeeker]

Be who you are. Let other people set their own boundaries. They will tell you if you are out of line. Then you adjust.

Boundaries are everyone's responsibility to create and communicate. One person cares enough to keep the relationship safe and predictable by being responsible and setting boundaries, while the other person hopefully cares enough to remember the boundaries and respect them. I feel safer in a relationship when everyone has boundaries....then I know what I can expect from the other person. I have found in my life, people who don't set boundaries themselves don't typically "get the concept of boundaries" or understand their importance, or really respect them, either.

 

[Self-Determined]

“What I believe about myself I believe about others.”

This one feels logically true, which makes it a tough nut.

If I believe I have no worth and deserve to be abandoned then I believe that about others.

Which means that when I encourage others I secretly wish them harm.

Which means that I am evil.

If I resist the habit of SI and no worth then I am good, but if I succumb to them I am not. As long as I give in to SI and no self-worth I am an imposter.

Counter: I demonstrate good behavior often. When I succumb to SI and no self-worth I am having a hard time. Having a hard time does not make me an evil person. Self-care routines and habits are like armor against SI and no self-worth.

 

[RussellSue]

Core belief: I'm socially inept.

Counter: Yeah, so what? At least you aren't boring.

 

[Self-Determined]

If I believe I have no worth and deserve to be abandoned then I believe that about others.

Which means that when I encourage others I secretly wish them harm.

Which means that I am evil.

I think *this* is the distortion. Perhaps the assertion that “What I believe about myself I believe about others,” *is* true. But the moral judgment if I think about SI or no self-worth is not true.

 

[grit]

@Self-Determined
I think what you are describing is extreme projection and just like any other thing when extreme it becomes distorted.
Let us breakdown your thought here:

“If I believe I have no worth and deserve to be abandoned then I believe that about others.”
You can believe having no worth (though worth challenging this crtically)but deserving abandonment (an adult usually cannot be abandoned like a child so this may be a younger part of you…most adults, we sort of accept when others leave or die etc) so may worth looking at it who is thinking of this – you, the adult form versus a childhood wound. Giving this belief to others is projection. You can project or keep it as your own subjective and wounds versus, you have no control about others and their subjective and wounds.

“Which means that when I encourage others I secretly wish them harm.”

What is the reality here? Did you encourage someone, and they listened to you? And did you wish a harm for a person? And wishing is not a real thing and natural to wish bad things sometimes and so what? Again, you wish something is just processing and exploring your feelings and means nothing to those you wishing anything on. They do not know you are wishing something bad on them! Wishes do not exist.
“Which means that I am evil.”

I think this is the core issue.

I also came to this conclusion in therapy myself. And then after a long process, for me, I came to this conclusion. Due to my childhood and the amount terror and violence, and neglect I faced, I came across evil doings and because I was impressionable, little helpless baby, I looked into the face of evil (confused, mentally deranged mother) and saw myself in her. So as a baby, I internalized the evil mother as me cause that is what babies do. I looked the mirror, the mirror (my mom’s face) was evil terrifying and rather than believing mom is evil, I felt I must be evil. When the mother is healthier, babies feel great and happy – generally speaking about lack of traumatic childhood.

You can go on the deep abyss of thinking about this but at the end, I differentiated Me (baby) vs Mirror (mommy). We were two different beings. I did not have the tools then but I do now as an adult. Whatever she was, I am not.

Let us say, if I meet a person today displaying evil doings like manipulation, gaslighting or general hate, I see them, but I do not become them! Cause I am adult and have my own identity. Where back when I was baby, I was becoming or feeling becoming more like my mother. Thank goodness, I woke up from it.

That is my story.

What I will ask you is this: When you were a child and looked the mirror (of what happened to you) what did you see? Where is this evil is coming from? Who hurt you so bad to make you believe you are evil and continue to hurt yourself? And who is stopping the hurt now?

You may not remember everything explicitly, but your body will.

If it is too confusing, give an example of things you actually done that are testament of your thoughts: You will see that today: you are hurting yourself, telling yourself you are worthless, self-abandoning, wishing harm to yourself, and convincing yourself that you are evil - all alone. These things happened already to you – someone did them to you and you believed them so strongly and repeating them without critically challenging them in comparing to NOW! Today.

I could be way off here, but I think not all of them.

 

[Self-Determined]

@grit you are not way off.

most adults, we sort of accept when others leave or die etc) so may worth looking at it who is thinking of this – you, the adult form versus a childhood wound.

Thank you! I hadn’t considered that and this point really helps to understand all of your following points.

Giving this belief to others is projection.

Having no self worth hurts my relationship to others but it does not hurt them (except for my kids who depend on me to be present and model healthy self image). That makes sense.

Again, you wish something is just processing and exploring your feelings and means nothing to those you wishing anything on.

Saying that I’m unconsciously wishing them harm is not true, even if I have no self worth. And even if I consciously wished them harm it is me processing my feelings and doesn’t hurt them (but could hurt me if I keep myself in a negative headspace by wishing others harm). That makes sense.

I looked the mirror, the mirror (my mom’s face) was evil terrifying and rather than believing mom is evil, I felt I must be evil.

This feels very true. I can see my dad’s face raging at me, coming after me. I can see him smiling as he is mocking or confusing me. I looked into that evil face and said, “That’s me.” And my mom blindly supporting him all the way, the good one who had no opinion and agreed with anyone talking. I looked into her blank smiling face and said, “That’s me.” I believed that deep inside I was an evil pedophile old man masquerading as an agreeable woman without a voice.

I was able to challenge that I’m not a pedophile old man, that was simple for lack of evidence. But the other thought habits were scratched deeply into my brain like marks on an old table. Adult-me has the strength now to face those thought habits and help the child-me, if I can see the habits.

These things happened already to you – someone did them to you and you believed them so strongly and repeating them without critically challenging them in comparing to NOW! Today.

No one told me I was evil but I believed it because my ego merged with my dad’s. He told me I was selfish, lazy, fat, and weak. No adult tells me that anymore. When I succumb to the idea of no self worth or evil, I am wrapping all my dad’s ideas into one, without challenging it, you are right.

Thanks G, you helped me shift my perspective and work on my thinking.

 

[koalaburger]

I have started saying "It is not your fault" Like in Good Will Hunting. It feels like it is working and I clearly see my father as a criminal psychopath. I first did it as a bit of a joke about how Hollywood portrays therapy as a magic bullet.