But there is some truth to what you say, or someone wouldn't have thought up the saying....you get more with honey than with vinegar, or just kill them with kindness.....I think the key for me is if someone wants to be kind to me.....and I'm kind back....do I get the hints for an unnecessary favor.....yeah, I get this....I work on boundaries and that helps....I wish boundary setting came more naturally.
That's really good.
Be who you are. Let other people set their own boundaries. They will tell you if you are out of line. Then you adjust.
I dont think youn are wrong in assuming a gain in what people do. Next time someone does something kind for you don't look at them dont say thank you and walk away. See how the person react. Bet ya they won't be smiling. Transaction analysis explains that. We all attention, its vital for our survival. So we will find ways to get it one way or another. So now that we no that lets assume that need and ask for it when we need it. Read games people play by Eric bern.
Boundaries are everyone's responsibility to create and communicate. One person cares enough to keep the relationship safe and predictable by being responsible and setting boundaries, while the other person hopefully cares enough to remember the boundaries and respect them. I feel safer in a relationship when everyone has boundaries....then I know what I can expect from the other person. I have found in my life, people who don't set boundaries themselves don't typically "get the concept of boundaries" or understand their importance, or really respect them, either.
I think *this* is the distortion. Perhaps the assertion that “What I believe about myself I believe about others,” *is* true. But the moral judgment if I think about SI or no self-worth is not true.
Thank you! I hadn’t considered that and this point really helps to understand all of your following points.
Having no self worth hurts my relationship to others but it does not hurt them (except for my kids who depend on me to be present and model healthy self image). That makes sense.
Saying that I’m unconsciously wishing them harm is not true, even if I have no self worth. And even if I consciously wished them harm it is me processing my feelings and doesn’t hurt them (but could hurt me if I keep myself in a negative headspace by wishing others harm). That makes sense.
This feels very true. I can see my dad’s face raging at me, coming after me. I can see him smiling as he is mocking or confusing me. I looked into that evil face and said, “That’s me.” And my mom blindly supporting him all the way, the good one who had no opinion and agreed with anyone talking. I looked into her blank smiling face and said, “That’s me.” I believed that deep inside I was an evil pedophile old man masquerading as an agreeable woman without a voice.
No one told me I was evil but I believed it because my ego merged with my dad’s. He told me I was selfish, lazy, fat, and weak. No adult tells me that anymore. When I succumb to the idea of no self worth or evil, I am wrapping all my dad’s ideas into one, without challenging it, you are right.
