Death Cougar... and the past

[Movingforward10]

Honestly what I think would help the most, are cats. Inside, safe. This was my emotional support animal, even though she wasn't mine. If I could find someone who would let me hang out with their cats, it would help. I know a few people who would likely let me do that if I asked.

Go ask to hang out with cats inside! That sounds a fabulous idea.
My cat would love that. She's a social little thing and just loves people and playing.
I've already offered my neighbour here to come out and hangout with our cat as his died and he is so sad about it. I bet a cat owner would totally get it if you asked.

 

[Guest for now]

Go ask to hang out with cats inside! That sounds a fabulous idea.
My cat would love that. She's a social little thing and just loves people and playing.
I've already offered my neighbour here to come out and hangout with our cat as his died and he is so sad about it. I bet a cat owner would totally get it if you asked.

That's really nice of you, I'm sure your neighbour is grateful for that gesture and will be soothed by the time with your cat.

 

[Guest for now]

I have this problem sometimes in therapeutic situations where the practitioner thinks I am getting my feelings out because they can see me crying, but what I am actually experiencing is the opposite. The emotions I usually need to express are loud and intense. It's not that I need to cry demurely. I need to howl. I'm not just experiencing grief, I'm experiencing agony. So people see the tears flowing and me sniffling and think "good, you're getting your feelings out" but really I am all knotted up trying as hard as I can NOT to let them out, because the container isn't big enough.
That's always been true. There has only been one person I can think of in my entire life who I felt could handle this intensity enough that I could let go and really scream and cry and writhe like I needed to, so it would actually be cathartic. And they're not with me anymore.
It was like that at my acupuncture appointment. Just telling the basics of the story as background for why we needed to work on shock rather than what we would have been doing otherwise, had me almost hyperventilating trying to hold in the agony I was feeling. Probably the needles themselves did some good. I hope. But it was that same thing again, she was asking me how it felt to let go and I kept saying "I'm not letting go, I'm trying as hard as I can to hold on."
The counselor from the community service society is going to call in a bit. I worry about the same issue. I think I'm really sensitive to people's capacity, or lack of capacity, to handle intensity. I can tell really quickly if my trauma is going to be too much for people, and then talking to them might actually do more harm than good.
Which is alarming, because that covers a lot of people, and I really do need help. I could tell just how much today when trying to talk to the acupuncturist between the sobs I was fighting to contain.
This is the trauma the cat was helping ease. She was more help than any therapist has ever been, actually.

 

[Guest for now]

The counselor at the community service place sounds well-meaning but very young and inexperienced. I can't expect much. And that irritates me.

There is a lot of talk in mental health circles about how people are often ashamed of needing help and that keeps them from reaching out. I guess it could be true, but I have to say I've never met anyone who spoke of feeling that way. What I have met, are people galore who spend a great deal of time, energy and money trying to find help that actually helps, and often going through retraumatization, invalidation, and all the other things that come with incompetent help. I count myself among those thus wounded.

Which makes me wonder whether the "there is help available but people are ashamed to reach out" line is actually deliberate gaslighting to cover for the inadequacy of the system. I never thought of that possibility till now.

@Movingforward10 said something a few days ago that I missed until now, about how I am aware of what I need and am further along in healing than I think. I'm thinking about that and hoping it's true. In some ways I've just given up. I've become so aware of my feelings and needs that therapists can no longer keep up with me. I am not going to start a therapeutic process with a new one. For one thing, it would have to be someone highly specialized. Like... really, really, really specialized. Hence likely expensive. And then it would take ages to get them up to speed, all the while dealing with my reactivity that comes with getting my hopes up once again. I'm just too worn out. Now, I'm reaching out to therapists more as temporary consultants, and not taking what any of them say as gospel truth. The problem that still doesn't cover is the attachment trauma. I honestly don't know that I can heal that in this lifetime.

Which is a wound that was being soothed by this little kitty I just lost. That's why this is so much bigger to me than it looks on the surface, which is plenty big enough.

I had a lucid dream a few nights ago, where I faced a monster... not a cougar, more of a humanoid monster... and asked it what part of me it represented. That's what I was doing before this trauma, shadow work through lucid dreams. Which, I agree, requires a great deal of self-awareness. So I asked this character what part of me it represented, and it wouldn't answer. I asked again. Again, no answer. I tried to smooth its face with my hands. No luck. Then just on a hunch, I asked, "if I lie on the ground, will you lie with me?" Yes. We both just lay on the ground together, not moving. Then I woke up. And realized this is the part of me that is so exhausted with all this healing work that has so often led to more pain, that it doesn't even have the energy to speak.

I'm just rambling, but it does help to get my thoughts in order. And I appreciate that people grappling with their own trauma and pain have been here for me.

 

[Guest for now]

"The problem that still doesn't cover is the attachment trauma. I honestly don't know that I can heal that in this lifetime.

Which is a wound that was being soothed by this little kitty I just lost. That's why this is so much bigger to me than it looks on the surface, which is plenty big enough."

Bingo. I've identified the core of this trauma. I know because when I think of trying to express this to someone I hope might help me, it feels like I would trigger myself to the nth degree just trying to get the words out.

 

[Guest for now]

My brain is doing the anniversary thing. It's been a week tonight. I'd give anything to have her here with me again.

I am terrified. Wish there were someone I could ask to be with me, but there is no one.

 

[ms spock]

I have this problem sometimes in therapeutic situations where the practitioner thinks I am getting my feelings out because they can see me crying, but what I am actually experiencing is the opposite.

This ^^^

The emotions I usually need to express are loud and intense. It's not that I need to cry demurely. I need to howl.

This^^^

I'm not just experiencing grief, I'm experiencing agony. So people see the tears flowing and me sniffling and think "good, you're getting your feelings out" but really I am all knotted up trying as hard as I can NOT to let them out, because the container isn't big enough.

This ^^^

I relate.

I am looking at Irish Keening. It used to be a profession. You howl and express until every cell of your body is involved.

 

[Guest for now]

This ^^^

This^^^

This ^^^

I relate.

I am looking at Irish Keening. It used to be a profession. You howl and express until every cell of your body is involved.

Wow, I never heard anyone express this.

I think they do that in a few cultures. But how do you find a place where no one will hear you?

 

[Guest for now]

Soon after I wrote how much I wished I had someone I could call and ask to be with me tonight, there was a knock on the door. I got my hopes up that some kind soul had clued in and come over to sit with me.

It was the friend I called the night it happened. She seemed surprised that I was still upset with her and gave me an apology that was no apology at all (she was tired when I called).

I said I didn't want to talk to her and to go away and learn something about how to talk to traumatized people.

I've never said anything like that to her before. I know it wasn't constructive, except that it did get the intensity across.

She was obviously offended. She left.

And I am still alone, and it's still a week later. I feel like running. Just taking off and running anywhere, to not be here tonight. But it's a small town where nothing is open at night, and there are cougars out there, so here I am.

 

[ms spock]

Wow, I never heard anyone express this.

It is a very important cultural practice. It is seen that grieving can''t be completeld without this process.

It was a profession

I think they do that in a few cultures.

Yes many other Indigenous peoples have other profound grieving practices.

But how do you find a place where no one will hear you?

Into pillows or cushions? I guess making a standing room only sound proof area using many, many layers of cardboard?Or looking at a company that does sound proofing and get off cuts? Beaches, bush, in the middle of a sports field? Turn up the music loud and sing loudly.

 

[Guest for now]

I'm so depressed. It's hard to do basic things. I just want to curl up in bed, but the trauma doesn't let me relax there. Also I have back problems that kick off if I lie down too long. I was going to go out for lunch with a friend who I *think* would get it... no guarantees... but she rescheduled. So...

I've been rewatching Call the Midwife for the gazillionth time, as a distraction, but so many things trigger me, like when a baby dies.

And I know it's only September but I'm already thinking about how in the world I am going to get through the winter. Kitty made such a big difference. And it's not that I couldn't have a cat. My landlord would be okay with it. It's that my space is so small, it wouldn't be fair to a cat to keep it in, and I would be wracked with worry if I didn't, and my work schedule is variable so I couldn't always be around to bring it in at night if I let it out in the day. I was doing that once... two rentals ago... and remember how every evening I would have to track down the cat to bring her in, and how she would have me chase her all over the woods to bring her inside.

This was cat central, all the cats in the neighborhood came through here, and there are a lot of them. Since it happened, it's so quiet. One cat poked its head over the fence a few days ago, looked scared and ran off again. I expect they can smell what happened.

I see the community service counselor tomorrow. It seemed like a good idea at the time. Now I'm not so sure. It makes me so tired thinking of trying to explain to a young, inexperienced person what I need, what I don't need, and why this is so much bigger for me than a cougar killing a cat in front of me. She's a master's student, she said. I picture myself (politely as possible) telling her I've been working on my trauma since before she was even born. I'm just so, so tired. Of everything.

 

[Guest for now]

That terror for the safety of defenseless beings... it goes so far beyond concern or even anxiety. People know there are predators, and they still have cats, and they grieve when one of them disappears, but it doesn't seem to stop most people having cats. But for me it really is terror. About anything that might harm someone I love, or someone I am responsible for. Fear of making the wrong call. Because if I do, and the worst happens, I don't just grieve and get through it. It really does feel like the end of the world, for a long time.

I remember when my insomnia first got so bad I didn't sleep a wink all night. It was the night after my daughter was born. I lay there in shock like a deer in the headlights, watching her all night to be sure she was still breathing. And that was before my memories started to come back. The fear got a lot worse later.

I can identify a bunch of experiences that led to this degree of fear. I worked through some of them with a trauma therapist who was working with some cutting-edge techniques. Maybe he didn't know what he was doing. Certainly the degree and complexity of my trauma had him stumped. Because the intense fear is still there, and it gets in the way of living my life, taking reasonable risks, and letting myself love even though I might have to let go.

There is a survey here, asking how long people have been in therapy. I've heard it takes one year per year of trauma. I don't know how to calculate either. The most intense trauma, for me, went on for the first twelve years of my life. And adding up all the years of therapy I have had, it's probably similar. But there was additional trauma in adulthood. And most of those years of therapy were not really helping. Some of them were just incompetent, while others were retraumatizing. So it makes sense that I'm not done yet. But to find someone who actually has the skill to help me would be like winning the lottery, and I'd have to actually do something like win the lottery to pay for it. So....???