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Sexual Assault Could my sexual abuse make me abuse others

Can being sexually assaulted make you act it out on others? Growing up it was me and my 2 brothers and when i was younger my brother used to touch me and stuff. I dont really remember all of it. He was 11-13 and i was 8-11 when this happened im not specifically sure how old i was but its in that range. It was when Ps3's were a really big thing. We would sit in his room and play minecraft. For extra playing time he would make me suck him and he would give me these things called "butt massages". Im not really sure when it ended but it doesnt happen anymore. Also when i was 8 my mom would work Monday through Wenesday every week staying at this ladies house to help take care of her and at night my grandma was supposed to watch us but sometimes she would work night shifts so she would have her husband watch us. Sometimes we would go over to my grandmas house. This was in 2016 when my baby brother was just born. I was staying at my grandmas house and i remember waking up with my parts all slimey and i didnt understand why they were like that. I remember going to the bathroom to clean myself up. Another time was when i was at my house and i woke up to him licking my areas and pulling up my pants cuz he thought i was waking up i remember turning over so he wouldnt be able to lick my areas and he got on top of me and tried to put it in. I remember this night very vividly the tv was off and he was making grits on the stove in the silver pot wearing a blue shirt and sum pj pants. Another time i remember was on my brotherss bunk bed i was on the top bunk he opened the door to check if everyone was asleep and started to climb the ladder. I made noise to make it seem like i was waking up so he wouldnt touch me.

So fast forward 6 years i dont know why i did it i remember bathing with my brother and i asked him if i could touch his private areas and this went on for some time and then it stopped. My mom left me and my little brother home alone one day so i show him some videos and he was hard after and i asked if he wanted to try those things in the video and we did.

I regret this honestly so much i dont feel the same my older brother calls me a rapist and tells me to kms all the time and i wish people knew how sorry i am and i feel as if suicide is the only escape.
Most kids act out their sexual abuse with other kids.

When there are STDs involved it makes it really easy to trace the ladder back to find the adult who started it… but it’s often times 15-25 kids (elementary/preschool) in a neighborhood/school district with the STD popping up over a few months… all tracing back to 1 adult. Without an STD lighting up the board like neon? It’s more likely to be upwards of a couple hundred kids acting out their abuse on others, over the course of years.

The Adults
  • Nearly 70% of child sex offenders have between 1 and 9 victims…at least 20% have 10 to 40 victims.
  • An average serial child molester may have as many as 400 victims in his lifetime.
Kids Acting Out Abuse &/or COCSA Child On Child Sexual Abuse

Multiple the above numbers by 10-200, to see the ripple effect

Very very very FEW children who were sexually abused, grow up and then sexually abuse children. But MOST sexually abuse other children, whilst they’re children, themselves.
hello iwish. welcome to the forum.

it certainly gave me those inclinations in my case. learning how to lean on accountabilibuddies (therapy supporters who held me accountable for my actions) and learning how to make amends to those i had harmed helped considerable. i still show my abusive conditioning on a distressingly routine basis, but my self-awareness has grown far enough that i am often able to recognize the damage before resentment, etc., set in. fresh wounds are far and away easier to treat.

but that is me and every case is unique. . .

i hope you find steadying support for your own recovery process.
welcome aboard.
Very very very FEW children who were sexually abused, grow up and then sexually abuse children. But MOST sexually abuse other children, whilst they’re children, themselves.
This is pretty much what the science tells us. To go against the grain I'm not convinced that where it truly ends though.

My anecdotal experience with pedophiles and through watching law enforcement documentaries pertaining to pedophiles all over the world make me think that this number is probably higher than we want to admit.

It makes sense because it is still not a high enough number to warrant ostracism of victims, but I've known enough people to where there definitely is an abuse connection in their own history along with intellectual impairments.
definitely is an abuse connection in their own history along with intellectual impairments
There is a podcast called Hunting Warhead that is about law enforcement cracking a huge dark web pedophilia server and it goes into the back story of the head guy and he had no sexual abuse as a child but was extremely arrogant and entitled, with little discipline growing up.

While prior abuse does play a part for some, and I don’t know the research behind it, my understanding is that it is only a small percentage (somewhere between 5-20%) of child sexual abusers that were abused as children.

Either way, most people abused as children do not become pedophiles—I don’t know about the abusing other children thing—not sure where that research is being done.

Further, most child sexual abusers, if I understand correctly, are more interested in abuse than sex—the sex is a component of hurting someone in an extremely debilitating way and believing they can get away with it. I hadn’t heard of intellectual impairment being a significant factor.

I mostly learned about this from the Hunting Warhead podcast and the Pervert Park documentary. Whenever I’ve looked into research on this stuff it’s been pretty triggering because the researchers usually say that pedophilia is an attraction not an action, and then that can lead to a dark rabbit hole of AI child abuse porn and child sex dolls somehow saving children.

The head of that dark web server maintains that he was in love with the 4yo girl whose dad let him and his friend orally rape and sell the video of.. That she totally consented and he was always gentle and kind. He was against the violent stuff personally but provided a platform for its proliferation. Sorry if I’m taking this thread off track. He was an abuser who thought he could get away with it and his violence was cloaked in toys and pretend love.

I think my point is that most victims of csa never abuse as adults. I’m curious about the research on cocsa relative to them being victims of csa. And that child sex abusers are not overwhelmingly victims of csa themselves, nor are they focused on sex, but rather on assault, same like adult rape is not about sex it’s about assault.

OP was not trying to assault from what I could tell in the description, sounds more like confusion. @iwishineverdidthat I hope you see that you were not trying to abuse and your repentance speaks volumes. Child sexual abusers rarely to ever feel bad about what they’ve done and just want to make sure no one knows and that they can do it again. I recommend you find a therapist to process this and forgive yourself.
There is a podcast called Hunting Warhead that is about law enforcement cracking a huge dark web pedophilia server and it goes into the back story of the head guy and he had no sexual abuse as a child but was extremely arrogant and entitled, with little discipline growing up.
Like anything else there will be a variety of factors in play. My experience having encountered probably hundreds of offending pedophiles over the course of my life, they come from several camps.

Some are very intellectually impaired and it's obvious, if these people are abused as kids they don't properly develop sexualization or socialization along normal lines. These offenders are more likely to act out fantasies like girlfriend/boyfriend, treat you like a "special friend," love bomb you etc.

To them it's sincere. People will say it isn't but having spent hours at a time with these people and possessing a pretty solid reasoning apparatus to observe them with I can tell you that it is. They truly lack the ability to understand that their behavior is destructive.

They will blame you for being harmed by them, but it's because they cannot comprehend why anyone would think they want to "hurt a sweet innocent kid." These guys are also more likely to try to conduct reciprocal emotional relationships with children, using children for support, relying on the child they're abusing to make them feel better about themselves and reassure them, etc.

Once I saw a servant start to cry after one in particular took them back to our hotel room from the mall and he lost his temper and went berserk because he didn't understand why she would cry when he had taken her to McDonald's (and probably assaulted her on the way back with the full intent to do more at the hotel). In his words, I was to "make her stop crying, make her understand [that I love her]."

Some are entitled, psychopaths and sadists who use any justification to blame the child they're abusing (e.g. one guy I knew had a fetish for menstruation, he would take my underwear and pads and insist that this meant I was a real woman and I was supposed to have his babies because it's just "biology." I was 12.)

These guys use your body against you or if you even look at them "she was flirting with me, she wanted it, who are you to tell me what to do?" They reject any responsibility for their actions. They are more likely to cause injuries and fully rape kids. They're also more likely to participate in human trafficking and the production of CSEM. They probably also have higher levels of empathy and personality deficits.

Some aren't pedophiles at all, the attraction to children isn't what causes their offense but rather it's a crime of opportunity - they identify a victim that is weaker and more easily manipulated than themselves (a child) and act out abuse because they get off on the thrill of violence. K was like this. He committed a lot of vile acts but I am not convinced he was a bona fide pedophile.

Some know they're pedophiles and try to portray themselves as "virtuous pedophiles" by advocating not to harm kids. Every virtuous pedophile I encountered committed sexual offenses against kids. All it took was them entering the atmosphere and they quickly forgot their morals. They felt superior to "child f*ckers" because they only traded USB sticks.

And some have absolutely no shame and will insist that men loving young boys is the way God intended it and that they're no different to a gay or lesbian person, it's just their orientation. I didn't encounter a lot of these NAMBLA idiots first hand (this is more "political") but as an organization it has over 50,000 members which means an even greater untold number of folks who agree with this.

That being said I do think "kids who are abused will NEVER or almost never go on to abuse others themselves," is a bit more defensive than the reality of the situation would suggest. Unless they have other deficits probably 70-80% don't, but 20-30% that would is still a significant enough population of people not to blindly reject the cyclical nature of violence.

It's partially why child abuse is so wrong to begin with. I know a dude who's dad raped and abused him daily and he grew up thinking it was normal and that him and his dad just had a special connection that "no one would understand."

He was one of my clients and we would hold hands and he would talk about how he wished he could be my "daddy" and shit. He didn't actually abuse me other than verbally. I sometimes think he knew what happened to him was wrong and was desperate to tell someone about it, but didn't have enough faculties to seek therapy and so perpetuated the cycle by involving a kid.

Now it's possible everyone who ever talked about prior abuse is lying, but usually you can tell from someone's affect/demeanor that they're not right because they were exposed to early levels of trauma and substances like meth, etc.

(And this was another classification of offender and the ones who did the most damage, the people who became psychotic and hypersexual after binging amphetamines. They may or may not have been bona fide pedos either but they were very violent and destructive.)

I felt bad for the dudes who I knew weren't offenders but who were forced to touch me and video tape it for "insurance". But at the same time the point at which you enter a human trafficking operation deep enough to where insurance is needed, well. That's still on you.

Fortunately some of them are in prison now.