Counsellor avoiding the trauma

[Eliza]

This is a bit of a weird one - but I've been in counselling for around 7 weeks now - it's my last session next week. And my counsellor spends around 90% of the session talking about my life/my family etc. And he seems to be stuck on the idea I'm getting my anxiety from my mum (who is the most supportive person I can imagine), and the more he brings up that idea, the more irritated I get, and he says he "senses that I am getting anxious"... Well duh! He's insulting one of the most important and supportive people in my life.

Then, usually with about 5 minutes left of the session, he asks how the flashbacks are. And I tell him that I had a few bad ones over the week, and he says he's sorry to hear it and sends me on my way. So I end up leaving anxious, irritable and reminded of the trauma without discussing anything remotely helpful. He seems to be so keen to find some childhood reason for my anxiety, without discussing the actual cause. I still can't cross bridges, I still have panic attacks on the tube, I still have flashbacks, I still can't sleep, I still worry that my family will die. But at least we can blame my mother for it, rather than the terrorist.

So I feel at a bit of a loss now. I feel like I've wasted my time (and NHS resources) for something that hasn't made the slightest bit of difference.

PS. Achievement today - I just got through writing that entire post without swearing. A challenge, given how frustrated I am right now!!

 

[MyWillow]

Hey Eliza! And welcome.

So not fully understanding your situation or your therapist is it possible he is trying to ensure there is no underlying trauma?

Because I rocked up to therapy as a professional, (readonably) well functioning individual after a series of accidents - I was just feeling overwhelmed with the pain and debilitation - and it wasn't until several months later that I realised I was amnesic for much of my sessions, was quietly dissociating like all get out and was having dissociative, amnesic flashbacks. Now we are trying to tease out structural dissociation, revert to stabilisation and other fun things. It's not an uncommon pattern apparently. I have no concept of any underlying trauma by the way but just don't ask about my childhood and I'll be fine lol

So...your therapist may just be digging a little to make sure. Because to process trauma is inherently destabilising.

Oh and swear away lol - it's therapeutic I'm sure!

 

[NewBeginnings]

This is a bit of a weird one - but I've been in counselling for around 7 weeks now - it's my last session...

@MyWillow may be right regarding the possible digging up of a past issue (s). I went to therapy with seemingly nothing out of the ordinary from my past but had a problem that I didn't do well with. I am. It saying that your situation stems from your childhood but it is probably something that your T needs to consider to be the best support for you.

 

[Hopefully]

Hi @Eliza, welcome to the site, it's good to have you here.

I know it is very much easier said than done but can you tell them? Explain that as far as you can see the anxiety does not stem from a childhood issue and definitely feels connected to a far more recent experience.

I am in therapy for different reasons to you so have probably had a different approach but I do have a fair amount of experience of dealing with the NHS. From what I understand it can be very hit and miss, I feel lucky to have been on the better end of things. When I started I felt I was very much being pushed into a certain box of low self esteem, and while that is very much part of the issue it really is only a part of a much bigger whole. I was assessed after a phone meeting, and a treatment plan was drawn up and implemented on very little information. Thankfully I had a very astute T who was able to see this and change the treatment accordingly, although it took 5 or 6 weeks weeks going in the wrong direction for this to happen. In longer term treatment this is probably really normal but when you have limited time you can sadly use and lose a lot of your time missing what really needs dealing with. It feels to me that with the NHS they like to assess you for the presenting problem, offer a short course of CBT and discharge you. This allows them to have patients who don't linger in the service and to be discharged with tools to implement on their own. They appear to be presented with people with problems, offer treatment and successfully discharge them. It keeps people flowing through the service and keep statistics up.

Sadly to get the treatment you need can take a bit of a fight and for people already struggling that can too often not be possible. My advice would be keep at it. If next week is your last session tell them nothing feels any different and you don't feel any better, your symptoms continue to impact your life on a daily basis. Your therapist will have a clinic lead and supervisor, you can ask to speak with this person and express to them that you feel the route you are on feels completely like the wrong fit, ask them if there is another T you can be put with who has experience of dealing with your type of trauma. If they don't offer any more with them, go back to your GP, explain the situation to them and ask what they can do. The NHS do offer the right services and you are entitled to receive them, it can just be a bit of trial and error to get there.

I hope that makes some sense, this is all just how it seems for me so is just my experience, it could be completely different for other people.

I really hope you are able to find some more appropriate help, you certainly don't deserve to struggling as you are now.

 

[Tornadic Thoughts]

I spent a couple years worth of my time, at my absolute worst functioning stages feeling desperate and defeated, weeding through therapists/psychiatrists in attempts at finding quality care that my insurance would approve...in the US.

None of them wanted to, nor would, discuss my childhood sexual and physical abuse, multiple teenage rapes, and multiple settings of domestic violence in which my life was on the line numerous times in my 20s, no matter how much detail I offered to them in writing, as I always take my notes in writing so I can remember what I need to discuss.

They appeared to only be interested in the labels that led to them prescribing anti-depressants, anti-anxiety, sleeping, and adhd medications, applying multiple labels they said they were certain of, and others, like personality disorders, they said they were still trying to figure out. I was certain I'd eventually get one named after me at the rate they were going. But they never applied one officially.

Not sure how the hell they can claim to figure something out so thoroughly and with any valuable therapeutic outcome when they're leaving out the main parts of what brought about such deep suffering to begin with, but I guess that's why they get paid the big bucks and I'm just considered a peon in my own care in those arenas? (there-in lies much of the problem, from my direct experiences in trusting a professional more than we've ever been taught to trust ourselves - I've watched very closely, from both the personal point of view in my own and my sister's struggles, as well as being immersed in that particular arena professionally for over 13 years)

Even after me having overwhelmingly ongoing bad side effects from all of the above prescribed routes of them guessing at which prescription would bring me the most supposed relief, they still didn't wish to discuss past happenings, but were real quick to hand me more prescriptions to try.

I had to get myself the hell out of that web of misery so I could stop being their damn guinea pig, steadily being made worse instead of better, and actively seek other methods and means of help to finally get actual help based on actual events that happened in my life, none of which are covered by insurance.

I also had to unlearn most of what I'd been taught and conditioned to believe from a very young age and connect lots of dots we're programmed to ignore.

If it weren't for healing practitioners in my area who are willing to barter, I have no idea where I would have ended up.

Drastically changing what I consume internally and externally, what I think, how I breathe, and letting myself feel the feelings I tried so hard to hide for so long while learning how to kindly love myself have worked better than all the pills and attempts at therapy combined. (in addition to acupuncture, chiro care, massage therapy, an iridology reading, sound healing, master herbalist's guidance, etc., in other words, all the far-out methods I was taught to avoid)

I finally found a talk therapy outlet via a local sexual and domestic violence shelter that's free and available for however long you feel you need it. I continue to use it when I feel overwhelmed, need a space to vent, brainstorm, or just to feel heard and innerstood on a level that most others can't offer simply because they've not experienced it and have a hard time processing that someone could actually do that to another human.

Wishing you well in your pursuits of wellness. It's a jungle out there, without a doubt.

 

[Eliza]

I understand the need to search for underlying/past trauma, but I have been quite clear with my therapist - I was brought up in a happy family, mum & dad still together, did well at school, got a degree then a master's, then got my dream job. Then witnessed a terrorist attack, flashbacks, hypervilligence etc. The irony is, in the first session, he told me not to dwell on the past, and to remember that the event was in the past. Then he decides to dwell on childhood!!

Conversations basically go like this:

T: So have you always had anxiety?
Me: I've always been a bit of a perfectionist, and suffered with exam stress, but that's about it.
T: Why do you think you suffered with stress at school? Did your parents put pressure on you?
Me: Not at all - my mum's philosophy was, "If you're happy, I'm happy".
T: But don't you think that's unconsciously putting pressure on you? Forcing you to do well to make yourself happy and make her happy?
Me: No, I wanted to do well so I would get a good job. Which I now have. I haven't suffered from that kind of anxiety for years.
T: But don't you think it's still there in the background? How's your relationship with you mum now?
Me: It's great. She's very supportive.
T: Does she worry about you?
Me: Only since the attack, which I think is natural given her child nearly died.
T: But don't you think unconsciously, she is passing her anxiety on to you?
Me: No. I think she's being empathetic.
T: But don't you think unconsciously....

And so on for an hour.
I come out feeling worse, not only because we haven't discussed the attacks (or if we have, it's been for five minutes at the end), but because he's spent an hour insulting my family, whom I love and have a great relationship with.

I literally went from happy and healthy, to witnessing a terrorist attack, to anxious, depressed, sleepless, guilty, basically a complete mess. But he seems determined to find another reason. Which I would understand if we have months and months to get to the bottom of things. But I have one session left and I feel like I am still as much of a mess as I started. Except probably worse, because I'm now second guessing everything my family says, and everything I say to them. So he's basically ruined the one group of people I trusted and felt safe around.

 

[Eliza]

So it seems my counsellor finally decided to talk about the trauma... and I went into complete meltdown and haven't been able to stop crying all day.

So much for the last session. He's just signed me up for four more as he doesn't really think we've gotten to the bottom of the problem yet... Smh.

 

[deeplyloved]

Please be gentle with yourself. It's hard to know ahead of time how our bodies and minds will react to processing the trauma. It might take time. I constantly have to slow down and recalibrate my grounding and self-care skills. I get so frustrated with myself even though it's truly outside of my control.

 

[Eliza]

Thank you.
Yes, I tried to be kind to myself yesterday, but it was so hard. I was planning on going out with my friends in an attempt to take my mind off it. But I just couldn't move from my bed. I couldn't even face my flatmate. It was awful.

 

[ShodokanJenn]

I understand your need to address the trauma. Unfortunately, trying to do so in the 8 sessions the NHS gives you probably isn't the best idea. I've got a few friends on the NHS who have tried to address their trauma in the limited number of sessions available to them, and it's ended up just destabilizing and retraumatizing them. Maybe your T is trying to avoid doing that with you as he knows he won't be able to provide the follow-up you need to healthily address things?

 

[deeplyloved]

I think something like this may have happened to me in the past. My insurance only covered brief "solution-focused" courses of therapy so I used it like a band-aid and kept getting worse. They are now minimally and only partially reimbursing my cost for an out of network therapist.