General Course of action when ptsd flares up???

[Lem]

I've posted recently about the massive amount of stress my PTSD vet fiance has been under and that he has been on and off with me. Now we are home the symptoms are more defined and it is very very clear I'm not the problem. However no one but me is with him long enough to notice the massive changes.

He isn't thinking very clearly and over reacts to nearly everything in a massive way. His mood changes dramatically from one extreme to the next in a matter or minutes...

I'm honestly really worried about him but everyone is seeing one extreme emotion separately and thinks that I am exagerating. He is not acting like himself and I'm not sure what to do because he can't really see it,. and it is a little bit like spending time with a crazy person right now... He got furious at me about the word 'riffle' yesterday then after 2 hours of silent treatment was joking and being funny. Then this morning went from singing and twirling me round to crying hysterically... I dont know what to do because he is avoiding seeing someone and says hes fine.

 

[SeanCharles]

Hello and welcome to the forum!

If I may use an anology here, it's almost like the Dr. Jeckle and Mister Hyde effect that you describe. I would suggest giving him space when he appears or requests that. I am not saying you don't already. I haven't followed up on your other post so I am not at the moment what is completely going on. I figured I would at least write a little something here.

---SeanGeo

 

[shimmerz]

That 'fine' thing is a huge hurdle to overcome. Has he ever, in his quietest moments, acknowledged that he may potentially have a problem?

 

[Lem]

Thanks, he does ask for space sometimes and now that we are home he gets it but the mood swings don't seem to be related to the need for space. He is 100% permanently disabled from ptsd and knows that he has a problem but right now he seems adamant that nothing is going on... its slightly driving me crazy. Its hard to keep up with him and the slightest thing makes him furious...

 

[Fearless]

I'm not sure I have any useful advice to give, but I can sympathize very much. As SeanGeo mentioned, the Jeckle and Hyde analogy is one that often goes through my mind with my partner too. Giving him space might not solve whatever is causing his state, but it might at least prevent it from becoming any worse (ie.- whatever he is dealing with will only be harder on both of you if it devolves into a fight). If something really is going on, he might not be ready to talk about it and respecting his preference on that might be comforting to him, and if he later chooses to talk about it, thats his choice. My hunny sometimes waits a few days (sometimes acting really reactive like that during it) and is very defensive/doesnt want to talk about it if I ask him whats wrong, but later he may bring it up on his own. With him, I see it as him just not being ready to talk yet. I have no idea if this sounds like your fiance or not, but I hope maybe it helps a bit.

Also sometimes it seems I cant say anything right (to him), but sometimes doing something extra and practical seems to ease his tension (something that doesnt involve any effort on his part), like making him something to eat or get some chore done that might have been weighing on him a bit. It's like one less thing stressing on his mind.

Good luck..!

 

[Lem]

I'm trying but I think I am stressing him out a bit. This over the topness is very new in our relationship and I was fairly sure it was me... I still dont know. maybe it is me, but he's all over the place... He seems so unhappy all of a sudden and all of our connection since his uncle died has just evaporated. Its like he's not there he's just angry and manic all the time... :( I miss my sweetheart. We are supposed to be getting married next month and he still wants to which I guess is a good sign but he can't seem to decide if he wants to be with me or be alone. Before he went fishing to get space, then decided he wanted to come back home to pick me up coz he wanted me with him, Then he decided instead of me shopping alone he should come with me but then got angry because he needed space. Now I just needed some space in the kitchen because of this rollercoaster and he gets in the truck and drives off without a word...

This is the last three hours.

Welcome to my life (he is NOT usually like this) I am freaking out majorly... Part of me is wondering if its not PTSD and he's just losing it...

 

[Sweetpea76]

I learned a very good lesson here, one that helped put everything in perspective for me... he is the one who is being triggered or stressed. It is a product of his PTSD and the way he is managing it. Unless you are purposely and maliciously doing an action that you KNOW triggers him, you are not responsible for triggering him. You cannot blame yourself or think everything is you.

As supporters we tend think that if we can do everything perfect, then our sufferers will do much better. Or that if we are the ones that are dealing with the brunt of lashing behaviors or witnessing all the symptoms, they must somehow be related to us or something we did. This will, I repeat, will make you crazy in the long run. As you are seeing, when they are symptomatic, the things they do, or the ways they react don't seem to have a rhyme or reason to anybody but them. You can't read his mind. There is no possible way to know everything that may stress/anger/upset him. You can run laps around him on eggshells, it still won't change anything.

Let me give you an example. I have told this story on here before, but it kind of defines this situation. Once, I threw a box in the recycle bin. It happened to be laying a way that a piece of debris was laying over an IED that my vet's vehicle hit in Iraq. He saw it, was immediately triggered and went into a fit of rage about how I should know better than to do what I did, yadda, yadda, yadda. I felt heinous and guilty. Then I realized that the recycle bin was exactly where discarded cardboard went. Folded up cardboard boxes are going unfold or lay whichever damn way they are going to lay if you throw them in a recycle bin like 99.99995% of people in the universe do. I never saw a piece of cardboard laying over an IED to hide it. I wasn't with him when his vehicle hit the IED. He never told me specifically "please don't set cardboard in XYZ manner, it reminds me of something traumatic." In other words, it was not my fault he was triggered. I may have done the action that caused his trigger, but the trigger is his to own.

One of the biggest stress relievers for me as a supporter was just releasing this guilt to the universe. I did not traumatize my sufferer. His triggers are not my fault.