Sorry if this offends anyone. I know it will probably seem to a lot of people that this isn't bad at all but it scarred me beyond belief. Emotionally and mentally, it has taken a huge toll on me. I again do not wish to offend anyone. I am sorry. Feel free to comment if you have any input and advice. No mean comments please. I am sorry if some people do not agree with me on this subject. It is not widely discussed but is a very real thing and is very damaging to a child. Sorry it is so long. Comments actually would be appreciated, I find they help me.
My dad never neglected me. And we have always had a great relationship actually (until recently we have more of a strained relationship). He just shared things with me that I should never have had to know about at such a young age. He poisoned me against my mom by telling me things she did to him (a lot of manipulation and emotional hurt) and what she didn't do for him (sexual things; along with other things). I also knew some of these things however even if he hadn't of told them to me. I could see at a young age my parents weren't happy. I could see the words unsaid and could feel the undercurrent of animosity. I saw what my mom did, the things she said to my dad and the look on his face after she said them crushed me. My dad was my best friend, my pal. How could she hurt him like that? I hated her. HATED. I was too young to sort out what was and wasn't true or even to think for myself that maybe I should listen to my mom's side of the story. I took everything my dad told as point blank. I feel like the worst daughter ever sometimes because I can be downright mean to my family. I have so much pent up rage and anger towards them. Ya know? My anger used to be all towards my mom for what she did to my dad.
The things my dad told me that my mom did were excruciatingly painful to hear (even as an adult, let alone child of 8 or 9 maybe younger). But as I got older the bitterness grew and matured and it was so deeply rooted that I even began to hate myself. I was so mean to my mom. Everything she did to get close to me I knocked down. I wouldn't let her get close to me. I hated her. I felt bad because I loved her at the same time though. Even now I am almost in tears remembering how I felt. All of these emotions are coming back. She would always ask me why I treated her like shit. What did she ever do to me to make me treat her like that?! I couldn't tell her my dad made me hate her. I had to protect him! He was my pal remember? I loved him and had to protect him at all costs. So I just said I didn't know why I acted the way I did. I was a f*ck up. I knew I was killing her inside (part of me hated hurting her and the other part loved it. I thought she deserved it for hurting my dad so much). I never gave her a chance to tell me her side of the story. It somehow never dawned on me that she had a side to tell. I always just thought she was the bad guy and my dad was the angel. (Now that I am forcing myself to think about it; I can see how confused my mom must have been to have a little girl who loved her until the age of 6 or 7 and then just hate her. My mom and I had a good relationship until the "age of awakening". I always have deep down loved her I believe. (And you know what the funniest thing was? When I was being mean to my mom my dad would always ask me why I was so mean to her and why I acted like I hated her. It drove me mad! He told me all this shit and expected me to not act otherwise?!) He honestly didn't know what he was doing was wrong.
I feel in a way like a chess piece, being played to their advantage (even though that isn't what they wanted). For years the damage was too much to bear. Around the age of 13 or 14 I started to self injure (and still do sometimes though not as often) and had a mild eating disorder. This all went on until I was about 16 or so when I almost killed myself. I am not going to go into details what happened because we aren't allowed to do that on this site but somehow I lived. I am lucky. Most people would have died from the stunt I pulled. Anyway, my parents found out what happened they forced me to go to alcohol and substance abuse recovery at the ripe age of 16 years old. I also went to my Therapist at the time along with both of my parents and finally got all of this shit off of my chest. I was a mess. I was sobbing so hard I couldn't even stand up. My mom was crying too. It all finally made sense. My dad was just sitting there looking at the f*cking ground. He felt awful. He said he had no idea how much this had bothered me. He didn't know he was hurting me. Hurting my mom. He said how sorry he was.
Occasionally he will bring up some stuff about the past. Or I will. And I will just get so damn angry. I have been so angry lately. All of this stuff along with my rapes has been gnawing at me. It is all starting to resurface. I still have a lot of resentment towards my mom but some towards my dad now too. But it is 85% better than it used to be. Sometimes people will say, "You are angry." I just want to say, "You think I am angry now? You should have seen me a few years back."
P.S. — Actually my parents are really very wonderful parents to me and I have mixed emotions with putting this on here because they are NOT bad people at all. They are wonderful people. They have made mistakes but who hasn't? I sure as hell have. But I still have this resentment towards the situation. Towards them.
I am not going to go into the specific things my dad told me to cause me to hate (I like the word "dislike" better now) my mom. They are too terrible. And it was only based on his THOUGHTS. What he thought was the reason my mom did and acted the way he did. And although I have to admit to myself that I believe him I still cannot be sure without asking my mom her side of the story. I just cannot ask her if the things are true because then she would know that I am thinking these things about her. I do not know. It is all so confusing having these conflicting thoughts and emotions towards both parents….
What I guess I want to say is that I do not want everybody on here to think that my parents are terrible people because they aren't. They didn't mean to do what they did to me. They love me so much and would never aim to hurt me intentionally. I just wanted to get this part of my history off of my chest.
The sexual part will come later and has to relevance whatsoever to this aspect of my life. *********************************************************************
Next post about it
Sorry for bringing this up again everybody! I know I have posted about it before and it is redundant!
In relation to covert/emotional incest... Someone asked me how the term "sexual nature" fits into emotional/covert incest since there is no "physical touching". This is my answer... The term of “sexualized nature” is referring to a sexual undercurrent. My covert incest had to deal a lot with sex in general along with my father “dumping” on me. (Dumping is dumping all of one's emotional baggage onto someone else to deal with instead of themselves). I have been scarred beyond belief from this and have been getting help since I was 16 or so. I know it isn't bad at all compared to anyone else on here but it still bothers me so much. Especially tonight for some reason... In my case, my father would tell me how he was so lonely and how my mother would never touch him (sexually) and how he never was able to have sex anymore. How he NEEDED sex to be happy and normal and how it drove him mad. He would ask me if I thought was wrong with him for my mother to not want to touch him…. Uuuugh… I was only 8 or so may a year younnger may a year older…. He also used to tell me that the only reason he came home was for me and that I was his reason for living. It was a lot of pressure!
I am not saying ALL counts of covert incest are based so much on sexual feelings but mine was. My father was sexually frustrated (along with many other things, God only knows…) and he used me as an outlet. Not physically but emotional to relieve his sexual feeling and frustrations. He would tell me the terrible things my mother had done (our family’s {mother’s} dirty little secrets) to him and to us as a family but mostly to him. Things that caused me to hate my mother! He poisoned me against her.
I would be so awful to her. Downright mean and nasty to her. Everything she would do to try and get close to me I would tear it down. I wouldn’t give her a chance. How could she hurt my daddy like that? She would ask me why I acted the way I did towrds her. I couldn’t tell her it was from father had told me. I had to protect him at all costs! I felt thie highest responsibility ever to make him happy and listen to his problems. I felt like it was my duty, almost like I was his surrogate wife (which is what covert incest is in a sense). I made up my mind to never move out and to stay at home and take care of daddy. I had to. He needed me. I still live at home and sometimes I still feel scared moving out. I still feel a sense of needing to make him happy and loved.
Even now after the therapy I have received I still feel partial to my father and my mom still gets very upset about it. But more and more over the years I have begun to resent my dad because I know see what he did (even though it was unintentional). And that makes me feel even more guilty because I resent him yet I love him so much and need to protect him! And I love my mom too! But I need to tell her off when she says things about daddy! Uuuugh I feel so guilty. I am sorry I wrote so much to a small little question. Once I started it all kind of just rolled out. Sorry you guys... I feel so awful about it all...
Someone also said this, to them seemed like sexual abuse, but I was never touched by my dad. He would NEVER do that! It was sexual in nature though which is why it is called emotional or covert. DO you consider it sexual abuse?
Chantel ♥
My dad never neglected me. And we have always had a great relationship actually (until recently we have more of a strained relationship). He just shared things with me that I should never have had to know about at such a young age. He poisoned me against my mom by telling me things she did to him (a lot of manipulation and emotional hurt) and what she didn't do for him (sexual things; along with other things). I also knew some of these things however even if he hadn't of told them to me. I could see at a young age my parents weren't happy. I could see the words unsaid and could feel the undercurrent of animosity. I saw what my mom did, the things she said to my dad and the look on his face after she said them crushed me. My dad was my best friend, my pal. How could she hurt him like that? I hated her. HATED. I was too young to sort out what was and wasn't true or even to think for myself that maybe I should listen to my mom's side of the story. I took everything my dad told as point blank. I feel like the worst daughter ever sometimes because I can be downright mean to my family. I have so much pent up rage and anger towards them. Ya know? My anger used to be all towards my mom for what she did to my dad.
The things my dad told me that my mom did were excruciatingly painful to hear (even as an adult, let alone child of 8 or 9 maybe younger). But as I got older the bitterness grew and matured and it was so deeply rooted that I even began to hate myself. I was so mean to my mom. Everything she did to get close to me I knocked down. I wouldn't let her get close to me. I hated her. I felt bad because I loved her at the same time though. Even now I am almost in tears remembering how I felt. All of these emotions are coming back. She would always ask me why I treated her like shit. What did she ever do to me to make me treat her like that?! I couldn't tell her my dad made me hate her. I had to protect him! He was my pal remember? I loved him and had to protect him at all costs. So I just said I didn't know why I acted the way I did. I was a f*ck up. I knew I was killing her inside (part of me hated hurting her and the other part loved it. I thought she deserved it for hurting my dad so much). I never gave her a chance to tell me her side of the story. It somehow never dawned on me that she had a side to tell. I always just thought she was the bad guy and my dad was the angel. (Now that I am forcing myself to think about it; I can see how confused my mom must have been to have a little girl who loved her until the age of 6 or 7 and then just hate her. My mom and I had a good relationship until the "age of awakening". I always have deep down loved her I believe. (And you know what the funniest thing was? When I was being mean to my mom my dad would always ask me why I was so mean to her and why I acted like I hated her. It drove me mad! He told me all this shit and expected me to not act otherwise?!) He honestly didn't know what he was doing was wrong.
I feel in a way like a chess piece, being played to their advantage (even though that isn't what they wanted). For years the damage was too much to bear. Around the age of 13 or 14 I started to self injure (and still do sometimes though not as often) and had a mild eating disorder. This all went on until I was about 16 or so when I almost killed myself. I am not going to go into details what happened because we aren't allowed to do that on this site but somehow I lived. I am lucky. Most people would have died from the stunt I pulled. Anyway, my parents found out what happened they forced me to go to alcohol and substance abuse recovery at the ripe age of 16 years old. I also went to my Therapist at the time along with both of my parents and finally got all of this shit off of my chest. I was a mess. I was sobbing so hard I couldn't even stand up. My mom was crying too. It all finally made sense. My dad was just sitting there looking at the f*cking ground. He felt awful. He said he had no idea how much this had bothered me. He didn't know he was hurting me. Hurting my mom. He said how sorry he was.
Occasionally he will bring up some stuff about the past. Or I will. And I will just get so damn angry. I have been so angry lately. All of this stuff along with my rapes has been gnawing at me. It is all starting to resurface. I still have a lot of resentment towards my mom but some towards my dad now too. But it is 85% better than it used to be. Sometimes people will say, "You are angry." I just want to say, "You think I am angry now? You should have seen me a few years back."
P.S. — Actually my parents are really very wonderful parents to me and I have mixed emotions with putting this on here because they are NOT bad people at all. They are wonderful people. They have made mistakes but who hasn't? I sure as hell have. But I still have this resentment towards the situation. Towards them.
I am not going to go into the specific things my dad told me to cause me to hate (I like the word "dislike" better now) my mom. They are too terrible. And it was only based on his THOUGHTS. What he thought was the reason my mom did and acted the way he did. And although I have to admit to myself that I believe him I still cannot be sure without asking my mom her side of the story. I just cannot ask her if the things are true because then she would know that I am thinking these things about her. I do not know. It is all so confusing having these conflicting thoughts and emotions towards both parents….
What I guess I want to say is that I do not want everybody on here to think that my parents are terrible people because they aren't. They didn't mean to do what they did to me. They love me so much and would never aim to hurt me intentionally. I just wanted to get this part of my history off of my chest.
The sexual part will come later and has to relevance whatsoever to this aspect of my life. *********************************************************************
Next post about it
Sorry for bringing this up again everybody! I know I have posted about it before and it is redundant!
In relation to covert/emotional incest... Someone asked me how the term "sexual nature" fits into emotional/covert incest since there is no "physical touching". This is my answer... The term of “sexualized nature” is referring to a sexual undercurrent. My covert incest had to deal a lot with sex in general along with my father “dumping” on me. (Dumping is dumping all of one's emotional baggage onto someone else to deal with instead of themselves). I have been scarred beyond belief from this and have been getting help since I was 16 or so. I know it isn't bad at all compared to anyone else on here but it still bothers me so much. Especially tonight for some reason... In my case, my father would tell me how he was so lonely and how my mother would never touch him (sexually) and how he never was able to have sex anymore. How he NEEDED sex to be happy and normal and how it drove him mad. He would ask me if I thought was wrong with him for my mother to not want to touch him…. Uuuugh… I was only 8 or so may a year younnger may a year older…. He also used to tell me that the only reason he came home was for me and that I was his reason for living. It was a lot of pressure!
I am not saying ALL counts of covert incest are based so much on sexual feelings but mine was. My father was sexually frustrated (along with many other things, God only knows…) and he used me as an outlet. Not physically but emotional to relieve his sexual feeling and frustrations. He would tell me the terrible things my mother had done (our family’s {mother’s} dirty little secrets) to him and to us as a family but mostly to him. Things that caused me to hate my mother! He poisoned me against her.
I would be so awful to her. Downright mean and nasty to her. Everything she would do to try and get close to me I would tear it down. I wouldn’t give her a chance. How could she hurt my daddy like that? She would ask me why I acted the way I did towrds her. I couldn’t tell her it was from father had told me. I had to protect him at all costs! I felt thie highest responsibility ever to make him happy and listen to his problems. I felt like it was my duty, almost like I was his surrogate wife (which is what covert incest is in a sense). I made up my mind to never move out and to stay at home and take care of daddy. I had to. He needed me. I still live at home and sometimes I still feel scared moving out. I still feel a sense of needing to make him happy and loved.
Even now after the therapy I have received I still feel partial to my father and my mom still gets very upset about it. But more and more over the years I have begun to resent my dad because I know see what he did (even though it was unintentional). And that makes me feel even more guilty because I resent him yet I love him so much and need to protect him! And I love my mom too! But I need to tell her off when she says things about daddy! Uuuugh I feel so guilty. I am sorry I wrote so much to a small little question. Once I started it all kind of just rolled out. Sorry you guys... I feel so awful about it all...
Someone also said this, to them seemed like sexual abuse, but I was never touched by my dad. He would NEVER do that! It was sexual in nature though which is why it is called emotional or covert. DO you consider it sexual abuse?
Chantel ♥
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