Relationship Cptsd and intepretation of memories/events

[tat]

What do people know about CPTSD (my SO experienced long term child abuse) and how they interpret events and their memories of those events?

My SO has a tendency to remember conversations with me where we've needed to talk about something important as hostile, mean, aggressive and often says I said things I didn't say. Or said I said something but only talks about half of what I said and says how much that half hurt her feelings, like my comment has been completely stripped of its meaning. I don't ever raise my voice or yell at her, and I use "I" statements and all that, but it's like I never do it right. I'm never "gentle" enough. Ugh.

At first, I thought my SO was doing it deliberately, to avoid not feeling at fault and putting all the blame on me. But now I'm wondering, are there actual hearing or cognitive differences in people with CPTSD? Does she really not remember what I said and does she really think I'm hostile/mean/aggressive because her brain really processes it that way? Does CPTSD cause brain/hearing/processing damage?

 

[Sweetpea76]

I have no idea, but my combat vet does the same thing. He never says I'm not gentle enough during those conversations, but he twists things, projects things on me, and has a distorted view of my intentions or feelings (that I'm hostile, that I'm trying to manipulate him, that I'm lying, etc.). He can "remember" things I've said that I never did, and forget what I actually did say.

Anxiety, self loathing, paranoia, projection, distorted cognitions, self preservation... take your pick out of the grab bag. For a sufferer, the world is a dangerous place and everyone and everything is going to hurt them. Unfortunately that includes us. If they're looking for us to hurt them, they'll find it whether it's there or not.

 

[scout86]

Interesting question. I probably don't exactly know the answer, but a couple of things come to mind.

There's something my T mentions once in awhile. There's "The so-called rational part of your brain that we'd both like to think is usually running the show." Then there's the less rational part of your brain that sometimes IS running the show. In the moment, from inside the experience, it's very hard to know which part is running the show. Actually, under pressure, there doesn't seem to be time to assess that. You're responding to a perceived threat. Which may or may not actually be there. Too busy trying to defend yourself, stay alive, what ever to question your own judgement.

There might be more to it even than that, though.

My T has a major interest in brain science and he likes to talk about what he's been reading on the subject. (With me anyway, I'm sure he's got clients who aren't interested.) There are variations in the way people remember things and they way they experience memory that are just the normal range of variations. But, there are also parts of the brain that deal with memories whose development can, apparently, be affected by stress during childhood. I'm not sure if this can change if the complex trauma occurs as an adult. But, the way your brain processes and stores memories, can, possibly be affected, long term, by ongoing trauma. I wish I had the articles at hand he was talking about, but I don't. It's got to do, as best I remember, with an interplay between the amygdala, the hippocampus, and some other area (or areas) I can't remember. And it really can affect brain development in concrete ways that they're just learning about.

I think most people have a tendency to hear what they "want" to hear. Including "normal" people. Some people find it easier to accept responsibility for things than others. (Personally, I tend to assume, if something's wrong, I'm responsible. That might be easier for other people to live with, but it's no more accurate than always blaming someone else. It's the flip side of the same problem.) It sounds like a lot of what you're seeing is a combination of the "not especially rational" part of her brain taking over, under stress, and her not realizing/ accepting that and blaming you as a result. Is she in therapy? Because this stuff is something you can work on.

Having said you can work on it, I'm going to add that I second guess myself a LOT, because I'm rarely sure what's going on. (And, when I AM sure, it's probably because the 'not especially rational' part of my brain is running the show. The cool thing about that part of you brain is it really thinks it KNOWS what's going on. LOL)

 

[Mach123]

Yes I always did this to everybody. I call that my filter now. My filter was all wrong. I figured it out in therapy finally. It was really hard to get to this and I still have a hard time especially because I like to talk too much lol. I always thought people were attacking me. The simplest things that "normal" people would brush off I would become obsessed with. My wife would say things to me and I'd attack her (verbally) because I thought she was attacking me. It is all from a filter that gets formed from trauma/being abused. I hate even thinking about it actually because it was so hard being like that. : (

 

[grimalkin]

Yup, I can say my sufferer has these issues too. @scout86, that sounds quite interesting, and would make sense, really, if how memories are created and stored gets changed.

My sufferer called me abusive, saying I would scream at him, take out my stress on him, manipulate him, try to control him...which always completely befuddled me because for one, I'm not a screamer. If I'm angry, I cry. I rarely even raise my voice, except to be heard over someone else. He is very sensitive to the thought of being controlled or manipulated, so that is something he is quite overly-aware about. He'd called me worse than his childhood abusers. He'd claim I said or did something awful that I definitely hadn't said or done (and was something he'd previously told me his last ex-wife had done, or his mother, or a step-mother), and quite often was something he'd said or done to me.

Even when we'd have conversations where I used every tool I knew of to be respectful, present, and active, and ensured he was present and active as well, he'd remember something completely different. Reflective listening? Him repeating and rewording something so we knew we were on the same page? Three days later, "No. I never said that. And you were abusive. You yelled at me."

The most recent memory weirdness has been (now that we've been living apart for almost 3 months) his trying to tell me something as if we never were married, or (even more painful for me) as if I was someone he just met. He tries to explain something about one of his kids or his sister, that I know because, oh, they're my family too. Or, tries to explain something about the neighborhood (or other places) we lived in together. Or tells me a funny story that we experienced together...that has to be the most painful. Telling me funny stories about US, as if I hadn't been there. It's so hard to not be completely snarky, and just calmly say "I know, I was there too, remember?" "Oh. Right."

So, yes, it definitely seems to be A Thing, and I don't know if it's PTSD in general, or worse for those with cPTSD. It's so heartbreaking to watch, and be part of.

 

[Snowflakes]

To the OP, I used to think my sufferer was doing a lot of things intentionally when she lashed out at me. My sufferer is in therapy for C-PTSD. The way it was explained to me was that what she thought I said or what she thought I did was her reality. Whether I knew that I didn't say or do those things didn't matter, she believed what she hears and sees. I don't understand it completely although what @Sweetpea76 and @scout86 says is very similar to what the therapist is telling me. Understanding that was the first step towards not taking it personally.

 

[tat]

Can it get better?

My SO is in weekly trauma therapy and has been for a while. 80% of our relationship is great, but this 20% of weird memory stuff and overblown accusations is taking a toll on me.

We started couples therapy several weeks ago and I almost walked out on our session the other night because it happened in therapy. I managed to finish listening to the therapist's closing comments by sitting in an adjoining office and listening. My SO freaks out when I'm angry so I'm working on stepping out of our inflammatory conversations.

Then, of course, I feel guilty for "getting angry".

Does anyone have any experience with it getting better? We've been together 2.5 years and I have to consider whether I can stick around if there's no hope.

Thanks everyone. Your stories sound very familiar to mine.

 

[Snowflakes]

Can it get better?

If you're referring to your SO, I believe that her going to therapy will help her manage.
If you're referring to you, yes there is hope and yes it can get better. I've been going to my own therapist to learn coping skills. Like your SO, her therapist will help her manage her illness' so too will your therapist help you manage your reactions and feelings toward her illness. PTSD, including C-PTSD, touches everyone in the relationship.

So, yes, my story here on this forum shows my cry for help as I was losing hope but I am much better now. My sufferer is still in therapy and is learning to manage better. What will the future bring? I don't know but I also don't stress over it anymore. I do my best and she does her best. I'm happy I stuck around because I got better.

What worked for me may not work for others but this is my honest story. Take care, I wish you and your SO well.

 

[Kbh]

Omg I can identify with what all of you are saying. My SO has now said he's done. That I need to leave. He has focused on my two Children as being against him. And there were problems in the beginning as we were adjusting to being a blended family. But even now he says they are against him and get so mad at me. But they aren't doing anything. Mostly ignoring him. Help. I am at the end of my rope. I don't know what to do

 

[tat]

@kbh, that sounds so tough, esp since your kids are involved. Their minds are so impressionable.

Couples therapy with my SO was a little less volatile tonight, but my SO is still in a phase where she's unable to acknowlege that she's seeing our interactions through trauma glasses. Still shifting blame onto me. I don't know how it's going to turn out.

One step forward was her admitting that she's dissocating and dissociate when we have hard interactions. I didn't know this and it explains A LOT. I may be able to detach more. I still don't know how we are ever going to be able to talk about hard stuff if she's dissociating. I guess we'll find out...

 

[EveHarrington]

Read up on the wise mind concept of DBT. (It sounds like she could use some DBT?)

Venn diagram, when logical mind and emotional mind meet, you get the happy-medium wise mind. Sounds like her emotional mind is running the show while logical mind has flown the coop. Not a good place to be!