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CPTSD married to narcissist ?

T

TraumaBonded

Is/has anyone been in a serious relationship with a narcissist? My wife and I are divorcing and it's become clear that she has full blown Narcissistic Personality Disorder. My therapists guided me to this conclusion despite my unconscious need to fight it for months. Once we separated, my wife began following the playbook described in dozens of articles I found about divorcing someone with NPD. Literally everything these articles talked about my wife has done. Isolated me from friends and family, stolen all our shared assets, tried to alienate me from our children. She even hacked me and destroyed 20+ years of email and work. All the while, she's acting like I am being delusional that she would do any of these things, and everyone believes her. My life is being ruined by her and I am still shocked I was with her for 20 years. How could I have been so blind? Am I the only one?
 
How could I have been so blind? Am I the only one?

My exHusband was a psychopath with narcissistic tendencies? (Under the old axis dsmiv DX). Which is only kissing cousins to true NPD. Worse in some ways, better in others. Took me about 3 years to realize he wasn’t who I thought he was, 11 years to leave him, & over 20 to understand what I “got” out of that relationship. Which was, primarily, what I NEEDED (at the time); someone who didn’t give a f*ck about my past, and who let me do whatever the hell I wanted (as long as ABC-XYZ)… because?… and here’s the heartbreaking rub; he. didn’t. give. a. f*ck. about. me.

There were HELLACIOUS red flags. That I simply didn’t notice, just hurt like hell over. The first 2 years? He was “everything”. The first 3 days after our marriage? Some of the worst in my life (which is saying something, I’, a combat vet, with trauma up the wazoo). If my parents hadn’t paid for our wedding, I would have left him. The next year? I did. Stupid me, coming back. It defined the next 20 years of my life.

The LOST TIME? with these people? Is one of the WORST things. End it, as soon as humanly possible. Not ending it WITH them, but ending the influence. More power to you, it took me more than a decade post-divorce to not have him dictate my every move. He had our under-age child as hostage. If you don’t have children under 18? Run. If you do? Buckle up. It’s about to get worse.
 
understand what I “got” out of that relationship. Which was, primarily, what I NEEDED (at the time); someone who didn’t give a f*ck about my past, and who let me do whatever the hell I wanted (as long as ABC-XYZ)… because?… and here’s the heartbreaking rub; he. didn’t. give. a. f*ck. about. me.
OMG. I feel this so much. But from a different perspective. I wanted someone with zero emotional regulation so I could have a project to distract me from my own gnawing neuroses. The first year with him was the best and worst year of my life. Second year worse. Third year I tried to escape into the arms of someone worse than him. After that, he took me back (hero that he was) and I was swiftly locked in a cage of my own building—safe and numb. Took me twelve years to believe I didn’t have to stay.

But the thing about him not caring about me was so crucial because my self-worth was so gone, and only found in his bread crumbs. But deep inside I couldn’t handle true affection and care because there was no place for it to land. I didn’t want it, didn’t recognize it, refused to accept that it was real. I was cynical and so was he and we “played” at life. Tragic for the children.
 
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