Crazy Thoughts

[Vamezow]

Idk maybe it's part of the shame that I feel, I mean to imagine being raped again doesn't sound normal, it sounds crazy. All for the sake of being mean to my body and getting it to respond??? Yuck. I guess if I felt true love now, even for myself, maybe it would be different. I am disgusted with myself by what I do, so disgusted that I have thought about ending my life-I am trying to forget my abuse, yet I relive it.

 

[Tudanil]

I am trying to forget my abuse

You wont be able to forget abuse. Even at the recovery end of therapy, the memories will be there but just filed away with other long term memory and wont effect you today. But you will always remember it.

I am disgusted with myself by what I do, so disgusted that I have thought about ending my life

What you do?

If it helps, I can relate by being very digusted of what i have done and miss defining myself because of it and punished myself & had many suicide attempts due to it.

Today i activetly seek out sex that mocks my past and a lot of it mocks or even could be called sexual assult.

 

[Afacep]

One thing I think is I wish I'd gone into therapy or even known how to talk about my feelings closer to when it all happened for me.
I think I may always be a bit sexually skewed - think I may have always been s bit actually - what I really regret, what makes me mad as hell, is allowing people who didn't care shy thing about me access to my body.
That's what really rides me and is hard for me to understand now and forgive myself for.
Anything is okay as long as there are genuine human feelings there. It's when you allow yourself to be used by another - that's the kind of thing that makes me wish to not be here any more. Or even the memories of it.
I retraumatised myself so many times.
I wish I'd known better /-;

 

[Teheh]

It's when you allow yourself to be used by another - that's the kind of thing that makes me wish to not be here any more. Or even the memories of it.
I retraumatised myself so many times.
I wish I'd known better /-;

I do that today and I do know better. The trick is, should you judge this behavior, past or present, when all we were looking for is what ever single human being on this planet looks for....love?

We were taught that love is given in a certian way, and though not love at all, it is the only way we can feel loved (speaking about myself) because its all we know and how we were taught.

If you teach a child ______ (anything can go in that blank) then that child only knows that this is the right way and starts to behave in the mannor in which they were taught. It spills over into adulthood as well.

As trauma survivors, we have to give ourselves a judgement free place to heal and learn new ways.