General Creeping "walls"

[Steph_F]

When the “walls” start creeping, I try to give my guy space and time with all the kindness, compassion, understanding, patience I can muster. I don’t think he can feel all of that, but responding to the door slammed in my face with anger and bitterness and hurt only hurts him, because I don’t think that he can even feel all of that either. Without a doubt I know this man loves me, ADORES me even. Why, I don’t know, but I am truly flattered that he wants me. But what I don’t understand is why he can’t just shut me out for a while completely? I mean, he still talks to me, but its rarely nice words, he still calls me, but most of the time hangs up on me, he still wants my attention, only to demand more or let me know it’s not good enough. Is that a part of PTSD? I don’t know, everyone is different and PTSD is like some undefined ugly destructive mutated black dirty thing that takes our heroes away and I hate it so much!!!! :-(

…totally got off track (and I’m crying at my desk at work now, how uncool and pathetic am I?? LoL)

Anyway…what I am wondering is what you guys think?? Is this picking at me a part of PTSD? I know he is looking for a fight. I wonder if he is trying to get some adrenaline pumping, because THAT I know he can feel…Is it healthy to fight back? Verbally, never, never physically. But do I give his shit right back to him to get those endorphins flowing… I’m afraid to try…my job as his love to help him and have his back (and stand back when needed) but egg him on, ya know? Not being confrontational, which is much against my nature. Maybe revving him up a bit would give him the same feeling as when they used to “roll outside the wire” in Iraq…but is that the right thing to do? I don’t know, I’m really lost on this one…

 

[wife of]

Ok hunny shut your eyes and imagine this,if you are as you say at his back then when everything else is pushing at him from the front then guess where his boots are going to tread? Sometimes you will just have to wear the misdirected temper backlash and sometimes it can be addressed after the fact but sometimes you just have to let it go.Doesn't mean your uncool or pathetic to be crying,just means that for this hour right now you've reached your limit,call a time out and go do something for you,even if its only a short walk in the fresh air or shopping for big boots with reinforced toes!!! You aint on your own kiddo,you might have his back,we all got yours.X

 

[Steph_F]

thank you...I wish I could tell you how much I thank you for that...its so easy for me to feel alone, not just because I am weak, but because no one else really understands. I can't tell people that love me about this hurt without them judging him and I will do anything and everything to protect him. So thank you for understanding and caring...

 

[wife of]

Your not weak,you just haven't realised yet that your not super human, you have all the same frailties as your other half Your juggling your own ever growing stack of life experiance and trying to help hold his stack up for him.You maybe suprised at how supportive your loved ones may be not only for you but for him also,we all feel alone and spun out sometimes but if there is one thing this whole thing has taught me it is to "allow" other people to support me so that I may stand stronger for my man,you need to let people support you.I realy hope you have a better day tomorrow.......Keep counting to ten and look to the future.X

 

[Steph_F]

well...today was a bit better, I think. We kind of talked, but he is still very guarded. I was in a very abusive marriage and that has made my family and friends very protective of me and very wary of anyone I date so it's hard to go to them with support because for some reason they don't seem to even believe that PTSD is real. Its such a buzzword over here, anyone that has a bad dream or has ever been through anything traumatic they slap with the PTSD diagnosis. On my lil political soapbox, I think our country is realizing the horrors that we are putting our military personnal through and they are afraid that young people are going to avoid joining because they are afraid of getting the PTSD that every service member seem gets when they return from overseas. So now Doctors are handing out the PTSD diagnosis to too many people in a way of lightening the burden on the military...if that makes any sense. ANYWHOO...today was better I think. He needs therapy and I doubt that he is taking his medicine every night like he says he is. I am thinking its time to put on my big girl pants and tell him that for us to continue as a couple, he needs to make (and keep) that appointment and somehow make me believe that he is taking his medicine. I have to figure out how to do it without it being an ultimatum (no one likes feeling "forced" to do anything). I have incredible respect for this man and love him dearly, but something in him is broken, and not by his fault. He is a combat engineer, an electrican, a plumber and a carpenter in the Army National Guards. In the Navy, he worked on fighter jets on aircraft carriers. All of his military work (and his civilian work as well) have involved TOOLS. He uses them with ease every single day...how can I get him to see that his mind and his body also need tools to stay in top shape?? Everytime I try to help him, I get told to stop helping, that it only makes things worse and that I should like an f-ing therapist. This man has done amazing things in horrible circumstances (and maybe horrible things in horrible circumstances, but war is NOT life, what he did and what happened in Iraq I may never know, and that is ok, but I wish he could accept that in unusual situations, people do unusual things). I need to tell him to go take advantage of the help that is offered, but I want him to do it for HIM, not for me or our relationship...but if he doesn't, there will not be a relationship anymore. I am a very open person, I lay my heart wide open to be trampled on and never learn from it. He is very closed and quiet and has a hard time sharing things. I can beg him to open up and talk to me, and I think he struggles to, but when he fails...I think he feels like a failure. So I try to just let him know that IF he needs to talk I'm here and most of the time just try my best to be quiet and present without pushing him or pressuring him, but then he picks on me and goes out of his way to fight with me. I try to avoid fighting with him because he gets completely irrational sometimes, but backing down is weakness and weakness is dangerous and danger causes fear, fear is too frightening and anger is safer and it builds and builds until the walls creep up and he is lost and numb.
Wow...I totally rambled...sorry if none of this makes any sense at all...

 

[Redheaded Stranger]

Hey Steph,

I don't know if what you are doing is right, but I'm doing the same thing. I see my role as the support person for him. I've gone to great lengths to make our home the place where he feels safe and comfortable. I do absolutely everything I can think of to anticipate his needs and clear obstacles and triggers so he never sees them. I hope you can hang in there but need you to take care of yourself too. My analogy is that when you are on an airplane, the instructions say that in case of emergency to put the oxygen mask on yourself first because without it, you absolutely cannot help anyone else. My sufferer is intent on taking care of everyone else first but won't take care of himself. So he needs to put the oxygen mask on himself. And you need to put the oxygen mask on yourself. Then you can both breathe.

I guess I don't know enough about PTSD yet to give you any advice, but I do want you to know that you are not alone. Please keep talking and venting and knowing that you are loved and supported.

Redheaded Stranger

 

[Steph_F]

wow....thank you so much for that!! I feel hugged! :)