Relationship Criticism

[J'qel]

I'm a sufferer but I'm the fixer in our relationship.

I completely and utterly understand the shut out anxiety-he would come home, tell me about his day and I'd start giving him advice on how to fix it. With him it actually took a while before he told me he didn't want it fixed, he just needed to vent. It still bothers me, but I bite my tongue. Some times I have to even ask him if he wants me to help fix it, or if he just needs an ear. It helps to just flat out say it when I'm not sure. Thankfully he's not a sufferer, I expect it would be a lot harder then. You can try asking straight out and just try saying, "Do you need an ear or a solution? I can be whatever you need, but I need to know, because I'm not sure." It makes it into a you asking, not something wrong with her, and it may give you a clear answer. (here's hoping).

I usually have to tell him if I need something other than an ear, because he assumes I vent whenever I rant, so now I make sure to tell him if it's something that needs fixing. He's an introvert so getting my alone time isn't too hard for him except when I have a rough few days and don't even want to be in the same room as anyone, but he tries.

We have our own moments, but communication really is important.

Remember your "I" statements (couple therapy taught me this) "I feel X when you do Y, how can we fix it?"

I mean, relationships are complicated enough as it is, but just my own perspective, having been both a "fixer" personality and a sufferer while married. Ten years and still going, so we must be doing something right. :)

 

[boodle]

I'm a sufferer but I'm the fixer in our relationship.

I completely and utterly understand the shut out a...

@J'qel Thank-you for sharing your experience as a sufferer. I am also a fixer and love to communicate. I see it as really important. I appreciate your suggestion for contact during a shut out. This has been on my mind so much today, as I just don't know what my sufferer wants from me. When in a distancing phase but not a complete shutout recently, it was hard to comfort her, but after the distancing ended, she said she had felt alone and had needed a hug! Its wierd as I so wanted to give her a hug but it was as if she had spikes so I couldn't get close. Mixed messages.

 

[J'qel]

It can happen, honestly there are times I want to be close to my husband but at the same time I want to be left alone. It's frustrating and confusing and a pain, but thankfully therapy has helped me figure out which is dominant and I go with that.

Communication is very important, especially in realtionships like ours. We need to be able to ask and speak and be open and blunt, and it took me years to get to the point where I'm comfortable with it. Some of it was work before my hubby and I were married some came after. It's a long rough road, but it's been worth it.

 

[boodle]

It can happen, honestly there are times I want to be close to my husband but at the same time I want to b...

@J'qel
I really hope, if we get through this current distancing, she will consider therapy. Its the only way in my opinion. She just seems to be stuck in the same cycle.

 

[J'qel]

I would highly recommend it. Even in rural areas there are usually choices of therapists to attend and if she doesn't like one, she can try another. She doesn't need to feel obligated to stick with any one of them in particular if she's uncomfortable and they are there only to help her. It is all about her own needs and wants, so there's no need for her to stay if she feels threatened, intimidated or angry with a therapist in particular. Make sure she knows that it isn't a trap-she has choices, and it is perfectly expected that she may want to try a few different therapists until she finds one that works for her.

Note: *FOR* her, not with, not on, but *for*-her therapist, her health. In situations like PTSD, being able to make a situation as nonthreatening as possible is important. :p

 

[boodle]

I would highly recommend it. Even in rural areas there are usually choices of therapists to attend and if...

It makes complete sense to me @J'qel. I have weekly therapy sessions myself, I find it enlightening and although difficult on occasions, its such a relief. I have absolutely no idea on how to broach the subject though. I'm worried it will trigger her.

I suppose the only way forward is going to be if she will commit to getting better. For her benefit if not for our benefit.

She is convinced that what she is doing now is getting is getting herself better. Drinking a bottle of wine per night and some beers. She says she was worse when on doctors medication. I have only known her 7 months and in fairness the photos I saw of her a couple of years ago showed her looking thin and gaunt. Her doctor also said she is looking better (I was there at the time). She was told two years ago that she was too fragile for therapy due to the death of her father.

Maybe she is getting herself better and I am wrong to interfere, however, the last 3 months I have noticed her mood lower and lower (since the honeymoon period ended). She still says the mental heath team said she was too fragile for therapy. She has not seen the mental health team in the 7 month I've known her. I wonder if she is avoiding it. :unsure:

 

[J'qel]

It's possible, you could try telling her that you're worried about her, and you'd like it if she'd check with her doctor if s/he thinks she's ready for therapy. Don't be afraid to tell her how much it helped you, and if you had to work at finding the right therapist, tell her that too.

If her doctor still thinks it isn't viable, you will have to abide by that. They're doctors for a reason.

You could also try asking her if there's anything she'd like to do or to try or things she misses or used to enjoy. Maybe try introducing them in a mild fashion back into her life if therapy is still not an option.

Right now the best thing you can do is support and try to understand-but remember to take time for yourself too, you're no good to anyone if you get burned out.

 

[boodle]

Thank-you @J'qel for your advice, which is a really helpful way of broaching the subject.
The good news is we have agreed to meet up on Monday and Tuesday to talk things through. We also both made a promise to be open and receptive to whatever is said, which is really positive. In fact, I feel this could be a real opportunity to make some progress.
I will let you know how it goes and thank-you again for your help :)

 

[J'qel]

No problem at all, I hope it goes well. You know where I am if you have any more questions :)

 

[C1J]

I'm a sufferer but I'm the fixer in our relationship.

I completely and utterly understand the shut out a...

As a 47 yr. Fire Fighter veteran, soon to retire, I was diagnosed with PTSD late last fall. The counselor , still going through counselor, indicates I have had this without knowing it based upon her discovery.
During my fist visit, my wife of almost 28 yrs., was with me and when I began to talk about it, there were things that she never knew. Things that were compartmentalized in my brain. It has effectively hurt our communication, mainly myself. There are triggers, no there has not been any physical abuse.
Many time my wife has shut me out. Many times I feel that I am not good enough i.e. take the laundry down to the washer when hamper is full, then I get criticism because I did not say anything in conversation; or I would clean the floors and get criticism because I did not say anything in conversation. She would keep record of my wrongs
and how long. It has been almost a week that she has not accept my kisses. At times I feel that I get no support from her, and I am alone and I am sure she feels alone. This PTSD is, I feel, is an imaginary wall between us and it hurts. At times I feel numb,
and wonder if there is a problem with neurological connections in the brain. At times I feel I am like a robot. There are night's my sleep is interrupted and have have found I am sleeping later in the mornings at home, and finding that I want to be left alone at home, that is not healthy. At this point I feel that I am not getting the support from my spouse, even though I have supported her many years in her career and in her home base business.

 

[Deleted member 44240]

Just before my sufferer goes into a shut-out, she tends to get angry and launch lots of criticism at me....

I noticed right before my ex left, he became very nasty and started blaming me for things that didn’t matter, or didn’t really happen they way he claimed it did.

It seemed like he made it all up just to have a way out. Yes, he broke up with me and that was his right, but for a sufferer to leave someone who’s good to them, is baffling.