harmony of love1
New Here
My tender salute to all of you, we are interwoven through PTSD. I have been an avid member of the PTSD forum since 09. I would come to the combat site, but felt at first because I am a carer perhaps I did not belong here...to be a member. Thankfully, I stopped feeling that way.
As with many introductions, there is so much background information necessary...but I am so drained from last night. i will try to briefly depict our saga. My love, my strong and gentle warrior was in the military for 8 years, corpsman. 6 years in the navy and his last 2 were with the marines. He went to afghanistan with the marines, on one mission his convoy exploded from an IED, his head received most of the trauma, TBI, mortars almost killed him and his unit on Thanksgiving holiday, he watched many people die, and he is physically disabled as well. He lost most of hearing because of the blasts, he wears hearing aids in both ears, suffers from vertigo and was diagnosed with PTSD. We lived together in Hawaii and he was just released in Jan. He lived for over 2 months in the military hospital PTSD unit and received great care. It truly helped him, of course there were some tough times, but when he finished he was much better.
Fast forward to last month, when he came to visit me in NY. I had to go back home for surgery, needed a bone graft and have been here since February. He went back home to his mid state, which is half way across the country for me. He stayed with my family and I for over 3 weeks. He asked my father for my hand in marriage and he was welcomed to the family. He told my father that there is no other woman in the world like me. About a week after he returned, he asked me to move to him as soon as my procedures finish. We made that our plan, as soon as I am done here in NY.
Lately, he has been enraged because he still does not have his dd214 forms. No disability in sight, no purple heart, and no post therapy since he lived in the hospital. Last night, he was the worst i have ever seen him. He sent me a video, with a blurb telling me look at this awesome video i made you will love it....
To my despair and dismay, it showed him in the bathroom...he says are you ready?...then puts the camera down so its facing him up from the toilet bowl, next thing you see is a bullet in his hand with a gun. He shows it all clear as day and places in the chamber, holds it up and spins it over and over like a movie we saw together when he came to visit me. 13. Then he closes the gun places it to his head and pulls the trigger. He then brings the phone back up to his face and says, "uhhh I lost, or maybe I won....whatever " and then shuts the video off.
I wrote him "my heart is racing and NO i do not love it." We then began to argue over text and he would not answer my call...which i assumed but still wanted to try because I was so scared. I am so far away from him and he has never exhibited such heavy behaviors. My heart is in such pain for him, when he asked me to marry him...he said I am the only one that ever stood by him through everything. I feel helpless now, he told me that my support from NY is not felt. I do not know what to do or how to help. We ended last night badly through text and no contact since. I want to give him space...but I dont want him to feel abandoned. Please share from your heart and know that I am sincerely grateful for all of your sentiment and help.
I do not feel much of "harmony of love" at the moment. All cried out is more like it.
PS I called his mother today and told him that he is in a really bad place. I did not want to scare her about the russian roulette. As we were talking he was texting her, so it helped me to feel a little safe that he was communicating to her. But she said he has been very angry and doesnt say a word to anyone. He only texted her because she called him earlier. I know he needs help but he has to make that decision. I hope he doesnt feel like he is a failure because he already went to the live-in care at the hospital.
As with many introductions, there is so much background information necessary...but I am so drained from last night. i will try to briefly depict our saga. My love, my strong and gentle warrior was in the military for 8 years, corpsman. 6 years in the navy and his last 2 were with the marines. He went to afghanistan with the marines, on one mission his convoy exploded from an IED, his head received most of the trauma, TBI, mortars almost killed him and his unit on Thanksgiving holiday, he watched many people die, and he is physically disabled as well. He lost most of hearing because of the blasts, he wears hearing aids in both ears, suffers from vertigo and was diagnosed with PTSD. We lived together in Hawaii and he was just released in Jan. He lived for over 2 months in the military hospital PTSD unit and received great care. It truly helped him, of course there were some tough times, but when he finished he was much better.
Fast forward to last month, when he came to visit me in NY. I had to go back home for surgery, needed a bone graft and have been here since February. He went back home to his mid state, which is half way across the country for me. He stayed with my family and I for over 3 weeks. He asked my father for my hand in marriage and he was welcomed to the family. He told my father that there is no other woman in the world like me. About a week after he returned, he asked me to move to him as soon as my procedures finish. We made that our plan, as soon as I am done here in NY.
Lately, he has been enraged because he still does not have his dd214 forms. No disability in sight, no purple heart, and no post therapy since he lived in the hospital. Last night, he was the worst i have ever seen him. He sent me a video, with a blurb telling me look at this awesome video i made you will love it....
To my despair and dismay, it showed him in the bathroom...he says are you ready?...then puts the camera down so its facing him up from the toilet bowl, next thing you see is a bullet in his hand with a gun. He shows it all clear as day and places in the chamber, holds it up and spins it over and over like a movie we saw together when he came to visit me. 13. Then he closes the gun places it to his head and pulls the trigger. He then brings the phone back up to his face and says, "uhhh I lost, or maybe I won....whatever " and then shuts the video off.
I wrote him "my heart is racing and NO i do not love it." We then began to argue over text and he would not answer my call...which i assumed but still wanted to try because I was so scared. I am so far away from him and he has never exhibited such heavy behaviors. My heart is in such pain for him, when he asked me to marry him...he said I am the only one that ever stood by him through everything. I feel helpless now, he told me that my support from NY is not felt. I do not know what to do or how to help. We ended last night badly through text and no contact since. I want to give him space...but I dont want him to feel abandoned. Please share from your heart and know that I am sincerely grateful for all of your sentiment and help.
I do not feel much of "harmony of love" at the moment. All cried out is more like it.
PS I called his mother today and told him that he is in a really bad place. I did not want to scare her about the russian roulette. As we were talking he was texting her, so it helped me to feel a little safe that he was communicating to her. But she said he has been very angry and doesnt say a word to anyone. He only texted her because she called him earlier. I know he needs help but he has to make that decision. I hope he doesnt feel like he is a failure because he already went to the live-in care at the hospital.
