Crying & comfort

[Eagle3]

I understand what you're saying, @DogLover33 my T does that too. Just sits there and looks at me while I cry. It does help, I'm learning to express the emotions without feeling the NEED to be comforted by someone else, so I'm ok with having the emotions now. There are times I wish he would come over and comfort me, but that's because I never experienced what its like to be comforted physically when I was upset growing up. T and I have separate times for learning that experience (physical comfort and reassurance), but its definitely NOT when I'm emotional and teary. Boundaries and stuff...

 

[joeylittle]

I think comfort would probably run the risk of leading to dependency, in some unhealthy ways. I don't know. I struggle with this too. But therapists can offer validation. I think that is their form of comfort. I don't think they can/should soothe. They can guide soothing, but not be the individual executing it.

Would you say by 'comfort' you mean 'soothe'?

 

[Rumors]

I think comfort would probably run the risk of leading to dependency, in some unhealthy ways. I don...

I am not sure I agree... I mean soothing is part of the human experience. How do you learn healthy boundaries if you never learn about how to manage them? It just makes me think that there is an importance in being exposed to healthy nurturing and comfort and learning the healthy boundaries that can happen with that. I certainly don't know but it is just a thought. I tend to keep my crazy hidden in therapy or I don't go. I go the opposite direction in regards to comfort and I don't cry in therapy. I need to work on that....

 

[Groo]

I just had a session today where I cried for the first time and my T was just sitting across the room watching. I have to admit it felt pretty weird. I'm so glad this thread came up because I didn't know what she was doing.

 

[amosmorris]

For so many of us who have suffered from caregivers' lack of boundaries, I think a T's demonstration of comfort is an opportunity to experience safety rather than exploitation--and this is why their response is so key. I think there are two very legit sides to this argument. Ultimately, though, I feel it is human to sit next to, or to reach a hand out. It is possible to do these things without abuse, maintaining boundaries. When my T sits and stares at me while I cry, it --for me --exacerbates my sense of repulsiveness. She seems afraid to make contact with me, afraid of me, and the (my distorted) messaging is that all contact is dangerous, all contact is abuse. It's like she shares that belief too...All that to say, honestly: I don't need to be held, or rocked, but once in a while I'd like to not sit alone on the couch or feel like I have trauma cooties.
....just what it feels like for me. As I said, I know there are good arguments to the contrary!

 

[kilted]

How the therapist reacts depends on the personality of the therapist and their training. Some types of training very much frown on the therapist showing any kind of emotional reaction. Others use their internal emotional response to the client to judge when to offer comfort.

AS junebug says.... offering comfort can lead to dependency, however if a client can show emotion on their own, but not with others then that would indicate that is part of the clients "work" and the therapist should support that through an empathetic response.

It depends what you mean by comfort..... some therapists are uncomfortable with touch, others are constrained by practice rules or ethical guidelines from physically touching clients.

If you are looking for a particular type of comfort response, talking it through with the therapist helps work out if the therapist is a good match for you given the work you may need to do. A good therapist will recognise this and help you work out what you do need and where to get it.

THe key is that therapists are not there to be your comforter, just as they are not there to be your friend. Their role is to help you be yourself and interact healthily with others.... sometimes this means a therapist may do some "parental" modelling.... in some types of therapy this is an explicit part fo the process. The therapeutic relationship is boundaried, and at it's core is the essence that it will end and both parties are working for this to happen sooner rather than later. Long term dependency is an anathema to therapy, so good therapists tend to be wary of it.