Csa flashback - how do i tell my therapist?

[Hopeforlife]

I am not sure where I should post this so please move it if in the wrong place.

I have had EMDR for the past few months and have found it very beneficial to talk my Therapist through my flashbacks and dreams. I have a specific recurring flashback and dream of oral sexual abuse. I need to build up the courage and find the words to tell my therapist but I always block up. I have tried a few times and even tried to write it down but it doesn’t make sense. Any ideas? I’m stuck on this atm and really struggling ;(

 

[somerandomguy]

Hi @Hopeforlife - we don't use trigger warnings on the site, since everything here is a potential trigger. I've made the same mistake myself so don't feel bad.

My only suggestion is to keep working. Do you have a trauma diary? I find that if I write things out there, even if it doesn't make much sense, it's easier for me to go talk about it with my therapist afterwards.

 

[Hopeforlife]

Thanks for the heads up @somerandomguy appreciate it. I can’t edit it so maybe the moderators will.

Thanks for your response. Yes I have a diary and also have one on here but I just can’t find the words my mind goes blank. I am not afraid to share with my therapist but I just block when I am trying to communicate this particular flashback. I know once I do things should ease up for a bit.

 

[somerandomguy]

Well the mental block is a real thing. It's not just you ... lots of us find we lack the words to talk about what's happened to us.

What I have done is to go in to my therapy appointment with an actual list of things I want to talk about. Not a really long list if I can help it, because that just means the things I actually need to talk about will somehow slide off the chart and we'll run out of time before we get to them. And I also make a copy for my T and let her look at it before we start so she knows what I want to cover. She'll also ask questions based on my list. It's jump-started several conversations that I really didn't know how to have.

 

[MyWillow]

Ugh. I’m at this point too. Sometimes I just end up shaking because describing even banal flashbacks are so distressing. Mostly because I don’t know what they are about sometimes and yet they make me feel panicked.

If you are ready you could always talk to your T about the fact that you can’t talk about some stuff. Approach it that way?

 

[Hopeforlife]

@somerandomguy i have a hand written diary that I record things in. Mainly flashback content, things I relate to the context etc. I got so far as opening the diary to the page last week and closed it again. She offered to read it and noticed maybe I’m just not ready. I don’t think I can just give her a copy or let her into my diary. I can’t even begin to imagine even getting any words about it to come out of my mouth.

Can it be that I am ready but my child part is not and or doesn’t have the words? Also can this be related to the fact the act refrained me from talking and breathing and caused me choking which made me fear for my life? These flashbacks are so damn intense and effects my entire body. It’s almost like I am reliving the lack of oxygen part.

@MyWillow yes that’s kind of my scenario. Keep shaking my head in denial and try to prevent more flashbacks and trying to calm the anxiety at the same time. I’m afraid to lose my s*** all together as I don’t know the consequences.

I have spoke to my T and explained that it’s too much so we work on something else. But it keeps coming up. I know I need to get it out.

 

[Rumors]

I wrote mine down. I couldn't say the words and I used analytical terms to describe the acts. It was very sterile so to speak. Slang terminology made me feel uncomfortable, more dirty, and shameful.

 

[InsertCoinsHere]

It sounds like you may need stabilization.

Trauma therapy changes constantly with what comes up but with also changes in our life e.g. moving home, stressed relationships, finances..

To really process trauma I firmly believe there needs to be focus on grounding.. Are you guys utilizing grounding exercises? Are you doing anything to ground yourself after sessions? A daily self care routine can provide structure and a sense of comfort. These can help reduce the stress.

When you are more grounded (which you will be able to tell as anxiety will reduce, sleep may improve, and you may notice a reduction in flashbacks).. I believe then that the overwhelm will reduce and you then may be able to tell your T about what you child parts has witnessed in recent flashbacks.

I felt I could have done with more structure while exploring and processing aspects of trauma, I'm not sure if I retraumatised myself in the process that's why I advocate to take your time, you can discuss wanting to slow down with your T if you are becoming overwhelmed...

I wish you well, I really do sympathize with you, I've been there. Offer yourself compassion, be kind to yourself.

 

[Hopeforlife]

Thanks for your replies

@Rumors I am really fighting myself whether to give her it to read. Maybe it’s what I need to do. Did she read it in front of you. How did that go? I am thinking of emailing something over then she can look at it before the session. I could adapt it to a more ‘appropriate’ version but I think if I’m going to do it, all the material is going on there. My T is damn good and as far as I am aware I have no issues etc but I have a small part which doesn’t want anyone to hear/read it. I know her reaction will be calm and compassionate and not judgemental but what if she gets angry or upset?

@InsertCoinsHere thank you for your kind words. We do a lot of grounding and I’m practicing a lot of self care. Making sure I have ‘Me’ time, yoga, excercise and just general slowing down to keep the anxiety at bay. This is the peak part of EMDR for me. I am taking it slowly but this is like I need to purge it out as I am sort of like blocked.

 

[Rumors]

Thanks for your replies

@Rumors I am really fighting myself whether to give her...

Well,
Yes she read it while I was in the room...not outloud, however she did refer to it and asked questions. It wasn't easy sitting there for the several minutes it took for her to read it. I wanted to jump up and run out. Then I could tell that she was fumbling a bit with the content. I felt bad but in the long run I was grateful to get it off my chest and someone else know... I felt less lonely from that day forward. Just having someone sit there and hold space with you is unequivocally the kindest thing someone can do for you when you are in pain.
Sending you good thoughts and strength. Please let me know if I can answer anything else. I hope it helps you be at peace with writing it and sharing.

 

[KwanYingirl]

I have many flashbacks and I can only handle working on one at a time. Essential-being grounded. Does it help you to know that most of us here never finds the words to describe our memories. If we were young and lacked language to imprint the memory with. Then there’s that annoying, powerful and self defeating shame. It’s a bitch to stand up to. In my experience, finally expressing the details of trauma reduce its hold on me.
I’ve done it all. Writing it down and finally giving it to my T with the caveat that he can’t read it til I say so. I trust that he doesn’t. Journaling, but I leave details out. Obsessing over the memory. Giving up my time and attention to it. Feeling physically ill. The game changer is being able to recognize the shame I feel. Now, I tell him I have something to tell him that I’m ashamed of, that I was threatened with death if I ever speak of it.
Keep doing what you’re doing and don’t lose hope. The journey is long. There is a workbook titled “The PTSD Workbook” I don’t remember the authors and mine is at my T-shirt office. It’s was helpful to learn how to process trauma. I also find relief with Reiki. It really keeps me grounded.