healingangel90
Silver Member
I think I’m finally ready to share my story. It’s all still very blurry, but I’ll write about what I know.
Chapter 1
I was molested for several years by several different people. I tend to think of the abuse from my mother’s father to be my “main” abuse. It lasted for 2 or 3 years, maybe even 4. It’s hard to know just going off of my memories. I have estimated from ages 10 to 13. I’m not sure if there were breaks in between, how much earlier it started, or but I do think it ended around that time.
I lived with my parents, younger brother, both of my father’s parents, and my mother’s father. My parents were very busy working and I did not see them very often. All three of my grandparents took on parental roles for me, especially my mother’s father. He would wake me up for school every morning, walk me to my bus stop, and pick me up from the bus stop after school. Some mornings, I remember laying there waiting for him to come wake me up because I knew what was coming. Other mornings, I would wake up to a hand under my shirt, but it didn’t surprise me. I just pretended to sleep through it, even though it could really hurt at times. I was young and still developing, and he treated my breasts like stress balls. But when he was “gentle”, it felt good – and I’ve always been so ashamed because of that. I always thought that I had asked for it or wanted it.
I asked my parents several times if I could just get an alarm clock and wake up myself. I told them that I was old enough to walk to the bus stop myself. They never took my seriously. They told me it was dangerous and having someone with me would protect me. If only they knew how much danger I felt with him around. I remember thinking that one day, he would push me into the trees by my house and rape me. No one should have to overcome fears like that. I was only a little girl.
There was one time when we were walking, and he grabbed me by the waist forcefully, and kissed me on the lips. He kept hugging me tightly after that. I was disgusted, both at the fact that he did that, and that he had the guts to do it outdoors. He had no fear of people watching or saying something! Another time, me and my brother were playing in our family room while my mom and grandma were talking in our living room. You cannot see each other from the rooms, but you can hear everything. He came to the family room and sat down with me and my brother. Next thing I know, he had me on his lap, and I was using all the strength I had to try and get away from him, but he was too strong. He was pretty much forcing me to give him a lap dance. It’s sick because he KNEW I wouldn’t say anything. I could’ve easily said something and had my mom and grandma hear. He knew I would keep this a secret, and I actually did.
There is more, but I’m sure you get the point by now. Sorry for all of the details. I needed to get them out somehow. I’m 21 now, and this abuse has taken over my life. It is all I think about, dream about, cry about. I’ve hurt myself so much over this. I’ve isolated myself from my family and friends, started drinking uncontrollably, and had problems with eating. Then there’s the negativity I have towards myself and my body. These are all things I’ve worked on or am working on, and there are so many long term effects of this abuse: the panic attacks, nightmares, anxiety, fear, flashbacks, suicidal thoughts, etc. I’ve had to fight through every single day, but I’ve proven to myself that I am strong. I’ve done things I never thought I had the courage to do, such as tell my friends and seek out help.
Well, that’s all for this post. I will continue with other parts of my story at another time.
Chapter 1
I was molested for several years by several different people. I tend to think of the abuse from my mother’s father to be my “main” abuse. It lasted for 2 or 3 years, maybe even 4. It’s hard to know just going off of my memories. I have estimated from ages 10 to 13. I’m not sure if there were breaks in between, how much earlier it started, or but I do think it ended around that time.
I lived with my parents, younger brother, both of my father’s parents, and my mother’s father. My parents were very busy working and I did not see them very often. All three of my grandparents took on parental roles for me, especially my mother’s father. He would wake me up for school every morning, walk me to my bus stop, and pick me up from the bus stop after school. Some mornings, I remember laying there waiting for him to come wake me up because I knew what was coming. Other mornings, I would wake up to a hand under my shirt, but it didn’t surprise me. I just pretended to sleep through it, even though it could really hurt at times. I was young and still developing, and he treated my breasts like stress balls. But when he was “gentle”, it felt good – and I’ve always been so ashamed because of that. I always thought that I had asked for it or wanted it.
I asked my parents several times if I could just get an alarm clock and wake up myself. I told them that I was old enough to walk to the bus stop myself. They never took my seriously. They told me it was dangerous and having someone with me would protect me. If only they knew how much danger I felt with him around. I remember thinking that one day, he would push me into the trees by my house and rape me. No one should have to overcome fears like that. I was only a little girl.
There was one time when we were walking, and he grabbed me by the waist forcefully, and kissed me on the lips. He kept hugging me tightly after that. I was disgusted, both at the fact that he did that, and that he had the guts to do it outdoors. He had no fear of people watching or saying something! Another time, me and my brother were playing in our family room while my mom and grandma were talking in our living room. You cannot see each other from the rooms, but you can hear everything. He came to the family room and sat down with me and my brother. Next thing I know, he had me on his lap, and I was using all the strength I had to try and get away from him, but he was too strong. He was pretty much forcing me to give him a lap dance. It’s sick because he KNEW I wouldn’t say anything. I could’ve easily said something and had my mom and grandma hear. He knew I would keep this a secret, and I actually did.
There is more, but I’m sure you get the point by now. Sorry for all of the details. I needed to get them out somehow. I’m 21 now, and this abuse has taken over my life. It is all I think about, dream about, cry about. I’ve hurt myself so much over this. I’ve isolated myself from my family and friends, started drinking uncontrollably, and had problems with eating. Then there’s the negativity I have towards myself and my body. These are all things I’ve worked on or am working on, and there are so many long term effects of this abuse: the panic attacks, nightmares, anxiety, fear, flashbacks, suicidal thoughts, etc. I’ve had to fight through every single day, but I’ve proven to myself that I am strong. I’ve done things I never thought I had the courage to do, such as tell my friends and seek out help.
Well, that’s all for this post. I will continue with other parts of my story at another time.
