Cut Ties...4 Weeks In

[Deleted member 1860]

So it's been 4 weeks since I cut ties with my mom.

I didn't hear from her for the first two weeks. Then she called every 4-5 days. Now I'm getting calls every day, sometimes multiple times a day. And, ignoring them all.

Now the voicemail messages are getting more urgent, more whiny, more desperate. And she ends them all with "I love you" even though I told her to never say that to me again. (Doh! On my part for giving her ammunition with which to get under my skin. It's like nails on a chalkboard!)

My dad told her 5 times why I don't want to talk to her, but it doesn't sink in. I told my dad and brother to not get in the middle. They are not to be the middle men who pass messages one way or the other, nor are they to answer questions about me anymore.

My aunt (dad's sister) also knows the situation and is supportive of my decision. These three people are the only ones who know of my situation with my mom.

I feel myself thinking about caving and talking to her again. But then I remember how toxic she is. How she refuses to acknowledge anyone's boundaries. And just how much calmer I am without her in my life. (I'm writing this not only for feedback, but so I can see this in black and white to confirm...err affirm? my thoughts.)

I know there will be times in the future where I will have to deal with her, err around her. (Family crap, I won't get into it.) I know I need to stay strong in my resolve because I have a feeling that things will become more difficult at times. Especially with Mother's Day coming up. (All the advertising makes me want to :yuck: :yuck: :yuck: ) I can just hear my dad now... "You should at least talk to your mom for Mother's Day". (Yes he TRIES to stay neutral but sometimes he puts his $0.02 in.)

Thanks for reading. Thanks for the support/feedback. I know I want to say more but I'll just post. I'm getting agitated just writing this.

 

[Rosalia]

Have you considered changing your phone number?

When I moved out of my parents' house I immediately set up boundaries, and when they crossed those boundaries I cut them off. Yes, you only get one mother, but if your mother is a source of stress for you then it's not worth having her around. It sucks, I know. I've spent my adult life working hard to be independent when my parents should have helped me, but the alternative was unhealthy and would have set me even further back than where I am now.

Don't forget, your job is to take care of YOU. No one else'll do that for you. I hope that helps :)

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Ugh, we're on the same family plan right now. I have access to the account to make any changes, but she can easily access my number until the plan is changed. The plan will be split; that part is inevitable, rather the question is when?

 

[Hashi]

Wow, that's hard about your phone number. Could you stop listening to the voicemail messages as soon as you know it's her, and delete them straightaway?

I feel myself thinking about caving and talking to her again. But then I remember how toxic she is. How she refuses to acknowledge anyone's boundaries. And just how much calmer I am without her in my life. (I'm writing this not only for feedback, but so I can see this in black and white to confirm...err affirm? my thoughts.)

It wasn't my mother, but I had a situation where I cut someone out of my life, they kept contacting me and I almost caved. I kept rethinking the whole thing and wondering perhaps I should instead have set more boundaries etc... I had to tell myself that I was too emotional and pressured right now to be able to make a good decision, so I wouldn't even think about it for six months. I picked a public holiday that was in about six months' time and every time I was contacted or was wavering, I reminded myself that I wasn't thinking about it until then. I don't know if something like that could help?

Anyway, I want to offer support for your decision, and for sticking to your resolve.

How are you planning to handle Mothers Day? (It makes me want to :yuck: too.)

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Hashi,
Sometimes the most obvious thing slips right by me! Lol. I'll start deleting her messages right away. I think that part of me wants to listen to those messages so that I can feel loved and wanted by my mother. But, in the end it's all just another chapter in her book on how to manipulate everyone else to get what she wants.

Just because she's apologized doesn't mean that anything has changed. And even if things were to change, I can't say that I'd want to have a relationship with her. I think it's sad that its come to this, but it is what it is and I need to acknowledge my feelings and stop brushing them under the rug just so that people will like me.

 

[nursenurse]

I think we all want parental approval, no matter what our age. After all, they are the ones who brought us into the world, so they are supposed to love us unconditionally. I don't know too much of your past relationship with your Mom, but I can't imagine that you came to your decision lightly. However, the only approval you need in life is your own. You are somebody. You are a good person. You are worthy of unconditional love. And if someone, even a parent, refuses you this basic necessity, then it is a requirement for the survival of your psyche to let go, painful as it is. Outsiders be damned.

You may love her by virtue of her humanity. It doesn't mean you have to like her. You've been in anguish long enough, it seems. Now it's time for you to live for yourself. I like Hashi's idea of setting a time frame for yourself for when you will think about the issue.

How about July 4th, 2020? :laugh:

 

[Whitneys story]

SOL, Huge Congratulations!

Stay your ground. JMHO I have seen enough of your mother. She has never respected you or your needs. This will never change as she is not willing to consider that she is the Drama Queen without a stage.

If you cave now you could undo the major work you have done for the last year. "To Thine Own Self Be True." William Shakespeare

Giving birth does not prove one is a mother! Possibly visiting an elder home and adopt someone who has no one to visit them. The rewards are immeasurable, and they don't judge.

Make this your special day! Do something nice for yourself. Hugs, Whitney

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Thanks Whitney for your support.

Tonight I got some much needed feedback. My dad and brother both told me that I am a LOT calmer now that I've stopped talking to my mom. (They said it out of the blue. I didn't ask them or anything.) I was so happy to hear this!

It's funny, I know I've been healing, but it wasn't until today that I realized that things really are moving in a positive direction and I have a much more positive outlook now.

 

[nursenurse]

Good for you! Now just keep it up :)

 

[Whitneys story]

SOL, Everyone in the universe makes mistakes. Those that live in denial like your mother would rather be right in their mind than to admit they wrong. Dangerous!

So happy for you! We are starting a new challenge on May 7, the positive effects of the first one have been amazing. Might help you stay your ground. Hugs, Whitney

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Update @ 2 months in.

I couldn't take it anymore so I called my mom up and ranted on her for 15 minutes. I told her she stole God away from me, and she told me I must have a lot of hate for her (I do). I called her an alcoholic, which she denied. She asked how she could have such a cold, uncaring daughter. All this from the woman whom I never remember hugging me as a child. She blames me for poisoning my dad and brother against her. I'm not---if anything, I tell them to stay out of it.

I feel bad for the rant, but I won't apologize.

 

[Whitneys story]

Great job! Now breath and pat yourself on the back. The truth hurts and sometimes wakes a person up. You are not the guilty party here.

Best 15 minutes you could have. Behemoth Congratulations:tup: Whitney