Omg, I could just curl up and cry. I'm simply the queen of catastrophizing. Turns out (you're right) I CAN report free-lancing online to meet the new work requirements to keep stupid medicaid. I thought the new rules meant I had to have an outside job.? I'm still going to look into a medical exemption with my T though, it would be hard atm to meet the required money amount I need to report, I fell into depression/emotional flashback crap and haven't been able to work since summer.
This is an important point - You have an anxiety disorder so far unnamed. It does not matter what caused it. You have a debilitating anxiety disorder, not "just" an anxiety disorder.
Thank you, I just feel like such crap! I think I would agree I feel debilitated atm, I just never feel like I have any right to have problems. As a child I was always told I was overreacting... I think I got upset a few times and things would just burst out of me, verbally, to some other adult I trusted, and I think they would approach my parents, then I would get in SO MUCH TROUBLE for "lying". When honestly... even if what I was saying wasn't reality, my emotional reaction should have still been valid, so how could I have been lying... (Besides, my T says some stuff was
actually abuse...) This stuff screwed up my head so bad, I can't stop panicking about everything and always thinking I am being bad and something really bad is going to happen. So trying to get help for "anxiety"... I should just be able to handle it myself and not dump it on someone else.? It's like anxiety/guilt so bad... I'm convinced like my therapist will literally DIE from the stress of dealing with me or something. Or something is going to happen. Idk. Maybe I will go to jail or be shot! How often do T's execute their clients? Like, literally "terminate" them????
I just feel so... relieved now. It was just SO hard to make those insurance phone calls I waited months. I am so severely afraid of people.
Do you think... is PTSD also something like traumatic experiences cause your panic switch to flip and then get stuck in the "on" position? And then that's what causes many of the other symptoms? Because how I feel... I think my real problem is that I have non-stop anxiety running as an undercurrent to everything. Even when I think I am relaxed. And rather than being afraid of everything in the world and then life just causes me to panic, instead, I am just already afraid and my brain subconsciously tries to rationalize the fear by blaming it on anything it can.
This is just my opinion, but it sounds like you are having a VERY difficult time right now, and maybe you can talk to your therapist about not working. You can even print this thread out and have her read it, or email it to her. You bring up a lot of important points and it might be an easier way to share.
Thank you, it's a good idea, but I don't think I will. I sent her multiple long winded emails starting a month ago, and I really want to stop overloading her and pull back for a bit. I'm going to try to make a bullet point list tomorrow and just take that in with me, hopefully I can verbalize it and not go mute... Plus I know she's dealing with a personal tragedy...
We breed chickens and have a very large garden.
OMG I was admiring your icon so much! They're adorable! I don't think I've ever personally met a chicken and would like to pet one someday.? That sounds like so much fun tbh. Unless you have to kill the chickens to sell them or something? What exactly do you do?
I've heard that if you have a diagnosis of PTSD, there are a lot of places you can't work.
Working places would never be a problem for me, I have no wish to be anything other than self employed, but I'm worried that if I ever do get over my fear of even touching a gun... I would never be allowed to own one. One of my really wild wishes is to get my anxiety under control, and maybe even get a concealed carry. Like do something to actually defend myself instead of just worrying someone might hurt me. Plus I also hear it's horrible to try to receive healthcare sometimes with certain diagnosises, doctors just blow off your symptoms and tell you it's all "in your head". I read on the Oprah website today that a lady with anxiety was told that but she actually had a bug stuck inside her ear for months. Scratched it all up and got it infected...
And wow, sorry to hear about that guy with the ptsd breakdown. I can't imagine having that kind of severe reaction in public... It's embarrassing enough to just have a panic attack and freak them out. I'm sorry you had to go through something like that.
Get that checked out! I waited 4-5 years after I had symptoms of uterine cancer and I was lucky enough to have it all removed by surgery. I suffered with extreme pain for the last 2 years because of it.
To wrap it up, you DESERVE to have treatment for your illness regardless of mental or physical. Disability is for both. You deserve to be able to heal with a therapist. You deserve to make as many threads as you want here. You deserve a space in the human race. These feelings of not being worthy are symptoms, not truth. Warm hugs.
I'm glad you were still ok in the end though, and I hope your pain is going away. And I will. I just need more time. I don't drive and can only get to therapy because it's walking distance, only one intersection to deal with. I'd need time to work up the nerve to call, figure out how to schedule it so someone can take me and stay with me, how to communicate with the doctor that I have anxiety... in a way that they don't just blow it off and retraumatize me again. Last time I literally froze in a panic attack/flashback and lost the ability to move or talk, and the doctor didn't even notice? Just kept doing something horrible I didn't want and I couldn't make him stop.
Thank you. I just don't know how to finally justify it to myself that I'm not just being selfish, lazy, and exaggerating. I'll keep trying though. Thank you for being so sweet, I'm really happy to have met you.?
