General Dating A Woman With PTSD

[yogi]

I am new to this--- i have been dating a guy with PTSD and I have been reading lots of materials and information--in all of that i realized I have "partial" PTSD--I was abused by a brother in childhood and have had recovered to a great degree--being treated for survivor of incest (Courage to live)--have had multiple therapists, self help books and increasing spirituality (through Unity Church) and have made progress---in meeting this guy with PTSD, it has brought up deeper layers of me needing work; so in a certain way this is a "happy coincidence" to stimulate me to continue to grow. but my god, it is hard. Hardest is understanding how at times he can be close and loving, and then completely stop. So all this information is very helpful. thanks

 

[missy8888]

Hi, i am a carer. My boyfriend suffers from combat related PTSD.... I am on this site, trying to get info/help too.. i don't know if this helps, but i will share what i have learned so far....
When she wants to pull away...and be alone.....LEAVE HER ALONE!!!!.... i know that stinks and its hard to hear...............BUT DO IT!!!!!!.... also...do not tahe it personal....it has nothing to do with you and your relationship...
when my bf isnt feeling well...he needs time alone to sort out his head and feel better........usually its just a couple of days...(and it's a living hell for me when it happens) .... when he goes into isolation.....i never make him feel guilty, or let on i am upset.... I just let him know i understand and let him know i am here if he needs anything....i also say that if he doesnt know what he wants...maybe wants company but cant handle talking, that i have no problems being silent and just watch tv together... i tell him he doesnt need to explaine his mood or talk about ...UNLESS he wants to.... and when he does....I LISTEN...........i dont ask to many questions....the more I LISTEN....the more he will talk..........
in one of my posts i asked for advice on how much space to give, and i was told that its ok to check in and just see if they need anything..ect.. let him know i am here, and that i am ok... cause making them feel guilty for doing things makes them worse....
i try to not let it feel personal...its hard... but i try to think of the space he sometimes needs to take...as medicine... to get well..... that usually makes me feel better.... (usually,lol).... cause i know that when he feels better, my sweet awesome bf comes right back........ be patient.... hang in there........ u can message me anytime, and ask me what ever u want....when she is in her moods....instead of bugging her........ good luck!!! big hug.

 

[Luthien]

I suffer from PTSD, and I lash out at my husband a lot. Usually because I think he doesn't understand. Sometimes this is true and he wont be able to because he hasn't experienced what I have been through, but most often it is because I myself do not understand and cannot explain what is going on with me. So, he tries to help and I lash out saying "you don't understand!" and sometimjes even getting totally crazy if he doesn't back off.

I think your gf is possibly pushing you away when it comes to the PTSD because she doesn't understand what is happeneing to her, she can't explain it to herself, so how could she explain it to you? She then just gets worked up, because it is a scary feeling and a lot of scary stuff we go through. To have someone being pushy on top could add to her fear, even if you're just trying to help.

As just about everyone else has said, I would give her space. Let it be known that you're there, you wont leave, and then wait for her to come to you.
Another thing, if she hasn't told you the trauma, and you are pushing for details you're going to run into trouble, you'll just scare her off even more.

I want to commend you for caring as much as you do. All of your questions are good ones and it is very clear you love this girl and want to help her.
I hope you find helpful answers and information on here.

 

[fin]

Hi,
I dont know how helpfull or not this will be but it might so...
while you want to be helpful there is a good chance she might well have heard this before and also I dont know what has happened to her but it may be that people she should have been able to trust have abused or not been there for her.
While you know they aren't you and while no-doubt she knows that you are different it is sometimes very difficult to continuously believe and believe in someone else when others have let you down, is a hard thing to keep trying to do...so with regards to you being there...the only thing you can do is continue to do just that, dont be too "heavy" about it. But continue to be there...and in so doing a much stronger trust will eventually develope and I am not saying she doesn't trust you...but for me personally trust seems to have an ebb and flow quality to it. Flashbacks etc can alter not only mood but trust levels for me. And people that I once thought I could trust I may have a problem with after a trigger...
Consistency is a key. And dont forget you are wanting her to get well not just for you but it has to be for her sake...support for you might be worth thinking about - as it is not always good to look to the other person for your support(not saying you have to cotton-wool her or anything like that but)as in this case she has the issue-hearing how it sucks from you might not be too helpful- so somewhere you have to go to let off about how you are feeling about things is good.
sometimes saying nothing also helps, just being there. the better you get to know her the better hopefully the being there bits will be.
I personally think it rather good and a nice thing you are doing in trying to find out more to help...but dont use that to her. and remember everyone is different and in their trauma they are too so not all the answers you find may be the ones that work.
Discernment in all things...and time-be patient