Relationship Dating Iraq/ Afghanistan Vet With Ptsd

[IAmPatient]

I posted this in the introductions section- and immediately afterwards saw a post that said don't post novel length posts there. Oops! So I am re-posting here...

I met the man whom I have been seeing several years ago, while in college. We were both in college. He had recently been discharged from the Marines, where he had served several tours of duty in the Middle East. We reconnected this last summer and have been dating since. He is one of the most amazing people I have ever met- kind, intelligent, caring, passionate, creative, driven, incredibly honest. But it is not only the positive qualities I love about him. I love the brokenness about him as well, how raw he is.

I knew I had fallen in love with him before long. I know I want to spend the rest of my life with him if its possible. I have never felt so strongly for anyone.

But he is confused. He has had bad relationships in the past. He says that he has hurt people. He says he doesn't want to do that to me. He says that he will ruin me if he lets me to close. So we are just friends. More then friends. We spend weekends together. We go on dates. I am alright with it strangely enough. I have my own problems. I have had much worse problems. I understand the general idea of wanting to keep people at an arms distance. The last thing I want is for him to be put into a situation because of me, that does not feel right. I have never had patience like this before him for anyone. But all the sudden I do. I have seen him go through some very hard down times with his PTSD, weeks where he does not want to talk with anyone...it's hard to watch someone you care about go through that. I often don't know if he wants to hear from me or just be left alone.

Very recently we reinforced where we stood on our relationship. Or he did. He has a hard time trusting people. He is not ready for another relationship and so on. I don't mean to generalize or be insensitive but these are all things that I have learned about being fairly common with people who are struggling with PTSD,( as I have done quite a bit of reading on the subject, in an attempt to figure out what is going on). He and I seem to have this conversations after every episode of him shutting down and isolating.

But what was particularly confusing was a day later we were watching a movie together and he suddenly blurted out that he loved me, which we have never said to each other. After which he seemed generally upset. I can deal with the hard times and the waiting lately, but I just need some support and insight into the rest of it. Any help would be greatly appreciated!!!!

 

[SRE7267]

Hi IAmPatient -

Reading your post, well -- I can say that in certain ways, I could have written the same thing myself. Having known him for years and coming to a place in time where you have a chance to explore further... being friends, but more than friends... being shut out, but hearing "I love you..." Accepting and loving him for all that he is -- the good, the beautiful, the bad, the ugly... being okay and accepting of the time the two of you to share no matter how little or long that time may be... feeling like this is the first/only person you've ever been this patient with and being understanding of it all.

I hear you. It's TOUGH... and I'm glad you are hear, reaching out for support. I found this forum in September or October this past year and wow has it been helpful when having a tough day, week or month trying to understand and navigate PTSD in all it's complicated mess. There's a lot of great people on here - a lot of great information. I am educated in and work in the Wellness field, so I am no stranger to behavior therapies -- and I've been in counseling myself on and off for many years and I am still always learning something new every day about PTSD. It's all about being open to hearing other point of views, other experiences, trying new ways of approaching things and most importantly, knowing and understanding that you need to take care of yourself through all of this. Because if I have learned anything at all -- the people that they love the most are the ones that they hurt the most. It's a long, hard battle so it's important for you to remain connected with those who can support you when you hit some low points -- because they are undoubtedly going to come... and it's a great tool to have so you can learn how to better support your man in his darkest times too -- sometimes all that means is allowing him to go through what he needs to go through. So keep reading, keep reaching out... we are here to support you!

The pulling away from you and then coming back and being so strong about how he feels about you -- it's common. Many PTSD sufferers feel like they don't deserve to be loved so they close themselves off and tell you that you deserve better, etc, etc... all the while, they may very well still have feelings for you and sometimes those feelings can be overwhelming and on a good day, they may blurt out those feelings and then retract again... it's a push, pull, push, pull... and sometimes we allow them to have the "control" and say in all of it. I go through cycles of this myself still. But when I am feeling my strongest, I recognize that I cannot allow him to have so much say in our "relationship" without him also recognizing and understanding that I am 50% of it too. So, all I am saying is just be aware of your needs and tread somewhat cautiously -- because you don't want to look back in 5 or 10 years with nothing having ever changed between the two of you, because you are equally as important and equally as deserving of love and support and he is. Don't forget that in all of the love you have for him :) He is lucky to have you by his side! I wish you the best.