fairywings
Silver Member
I feel anxious before and during the date. Then I am exhausted. Does anyone else have this problem?
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Dating Is Hard
- Post starter fairywings
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Resilientbibliophile
Silver Member
Greetings,
Exposure and vulnerability for 'PTSD people' will always be that much harder for our personal boundaries may be nonexistent, in tatters, undergoing repair, or being established first-time from scratch. A person on the street might be tempted to minimize what would or could be strictly unique here as 'most everyone feels anxious', and such is true - to a point. The fact of the matter is that our templates of relation often aren't the best, while being a mindful as possible to protect ourselves has to be dialed down towards an 'exposure setting' if any connection is to be made.
If one dated infrequently in the past or married in haste to a partner not quite worthy of the description, self acceptance consistent with knowing that one's actual age contrasted to what maturity and experience can bring to bear upon matters may not strictly match. Across the gifted literature, writers speak of what is termed 'asymmetrical development' where precocious interests are taken up by a child that to some might telegraph preternatural maturity, although absent quality peer relations and/or in an environment where discrimination or stigma is attached to a way of being, such a child may in a social-sense be left behind. I suspect parallels exist in relation to many who've borne the brunt of abuse and neglect legacies for in a sense we're 'late out of the gate', but this doesn't mean we'll not find someone - and the right someone at that.
For being especially mindful of past legacies (perhaps stretching across generations and further embodied by siblings, etc.) there (against odds even) exists the chance that qualities present within a loving relation established may possess good qualities that others no so touched cannot recognize and will not strike. 'Normal people' with 'normal histories' enter into poor relationships to live compromised lives; i.e. there is no guarantee of success regardless. Nevertheless, bring the best aspects of assertive and positive you when that certain someone is met.
Know all the while that the person across the way is in all likelihood also anxious, conflicted, consistent and then not so very much, and most of all - imperfect. As you stress about what he or she might be thinking, be open to the possibility that this other person may to be in a state consistent with not desiring to let you down. Each of you are trying to put forth what one hopes will be winning aspect of self, whereas a date is an experiment of sorts to gently establish if compatibility (not to discount the wonder of attraction to say little of heat by golly) exists. I would be inhuman not to feel anxious, while to feel anxious is register a most human emotional response consistent with desiring a positive outcome. Be kind to yourself...
M.
Exposure and vulnerability for 'PTSD people' will always be that much harder for our personal boundaries may be nonexistent, in tatters, undergoing repair, or being established first-time from scratch. A person on the street might be tempted to minimize what would or could be strictly unique here as 'most everyone feels anxious', and such is true - to a point. The fact of the matter is that our templates of relation often aren't the best, while being a mindful as possible to protect ourselves has to be dialed down towards an 'exposure setting' if any connection is to be made.
If one dated infrequently in the past or married in haste to a partner not quite worthy of the description, self acceptance consistent with knowing that one's actual age contrasted to what maturity and experience can bring to bear upon matters may not strictly match. Across the gifted literature, writers speak of what is termed 'asymmetrical development' where precocious interests are taken up by a child that to some might telegraph preternatural maturity, although absent quality peer relations and/or in an environment where discrimination or stigma is attached to a way of being, such a child may in a social-sense be left behind. I suspect parallels exist in relation to many who've borne the brunt of abuse and neglect legacies for in a sense we're 'late out of the gate', but this doesn't mean we'll not find someone - and the right someone at that.
For being especially mindful of past legacies (perhaps stretching across generations and further embodied by siblings, etc.) there (against odds even) exists the chance that qualities present within a loving relation established may possess good qualities that others no so touched cannot recognize and will not strike. 'Normal people' with 'normal histories' enter into poor relationships to live compromised lives; i.e. there is no guarantee of success regardless. Nevertheless, bring the best aspects of assertive and positive you when that certain someone is met.
Know all the while that the person across the way is in all likelihood also anxious, conflicted, consistent and then not so very much, and most of all - imperfect. As you stress about what he or she might be thinking, be open to the possibility that this other person may to be in a state consistent with not desiring to let you down. Each of you are trying to put forth what one hopes will be winning aspect of self, whereas a date is an experiment of sorts to gently establish if compatibility (not to discount the wonder of attraction to say little of heat by golly) exists. I would be inhuman not to feel anxious, while to feel anxious is register a most human emotional response consistent with desiring a positive outcome. Be kind to yourself...
M.
Hi Fairywings. I'm not in a dating situation, but can certainly relate to your experiences of anxiety and exhaustion in regard to almost every interpersonal interaction I have right now, particularly those of the social variety.
I think one thing that can help is to be very strategic about where and for how long you meet with the other person. For me, the quieter and more low key the physical environment, the more I am able to settle, and so hence the lower my anxiety and the greater my endurance for the event. But putting a time limit on the event can be really important too, so that you can be gone before the anxiety accumulates to a level that becomes unmanageable and is more likely to make you les inclined to want to do it again.
I know the dynamic is slightly different on a date, but I think these basic rules of self care can still apply. The extent to which you are able to disclose and discuss your situation with your date is obviously a different issue based on your relationship with him/her, but even if you aren't able to discuss your struggles openly, you can put in place some invisible but solid boundaries for yourself to give you some assurance that you can be safe during the interaction and have a plan for leaving it when you need to.
Maddog
I think one thing that can help is to be very strategic about where and for how long you meet with the other person. For me, the quieter and more low key the physical environment, the more I am able to settle, and so hence the lower my anxiety and the greater my endurance for the event. But putting a time limit on the event can be really important too, so that you can be gone before the anxiety accumulates to a level that becomes unmanageable and is more likely to make you les inclined to want to do it again.
I know the dynamic is slightly different on a date, but I think these basic rules of self care can still apply. The extent to which you are able to disclose and discuss your situation with your date is obviously a different issue based on your relationship with him/her, but even if you aren't able to discuss your struggles openly, you can put in place some invisible but solid boundaries for yourself to give you some assurance that you can be safe during the interaction and have a plan for leaving it when you need to.
Maddog
I have this problem with about any situation where I know I am going to have to interact with other people. So you not alone in having anxiety in an social interaction. Congrats though on actually going on a date that in itself is an big accomplishment:). I am still having trouble with making friends so I think I need to work on that before I start trying to date. So I not much help in the area of dating but I do like what maddog suggested.
surviving_it_all
Silver Member
Uh... dating for me in obsolete. Its..... not even worth trying for me at least.
BlackbirdSinging
Diamond Member
I'm not in a place to even think about it right now. But the idea of it triggers my anxiety. I want to do all of that someday. I want the companionship someday. I'd like to even be married again someday. But today I'm too scared and too anxious to even know how to do any of that right now. For now my only priority is healing.
I'm now in a place where I am starting to date. It makes me anxious too. What I have figured for myself is to set it up in the least stressful way for me (like maddog suggested).
I love coffee, and it is sort of a comfort thing for me, so instead of traditional dinner dates, I'm going for the more laid back coffee date. It still creates a bit of anxiety, but it feels like less pressure to me. Once the coffee is done, I have an out and can end the date if I am getting very anxious, or get another/stay there if I am getting comfortable with the person.
I've done it twice so far (over a couple months), so am far from an expert, but having that control over the timing/environment seems to help with the anxiety for me. Plus I have my coffee as sort of a security blanket.
I love coffee, and it is sort of a comfort thing for me, so instead of traditional dinner dates, I'm going for the more laid back coffee date. It still creates a bit of anxiety, but it feels like less pressure to me. Once the coffee is done, I have an out and can end the date if I am getting very anxious, or get another/stay there if I am getting comfortable with the person.
I've done it twice so far (over a couple months), so am far from an expert, but having that control over the timing/environment seems to help with the anxiety for me. Plus I have my coffee as sort of a security blanket.
surviving_it_all
Silver Member
That is awesome. I look forward to having a real date. Since I replied, I have touched a guy and hugged a guy. I also went by some guys house too. None of these situations have harmed me. Its nice to start trusting men again. Its long overdue. I crave male companionship and a full adult relationship.
VDWngr1355
Silver Member
I might be going on my first date next week since leaving my ex nearly two years ago. I've been emailing this man online for two months and the conversation has gotten around to meeting in person. I would like to actually meet him in person, however, the idea is scaring me. I did tell him I have PTSD and he was fine with it. So, that was a relief.
surviving_it_all
Silver Member
Online relationships are so different from in person relationships. People without PTSD sometimes have hard times realizing the difference. Online, interactions can be fantasy, games, and many things. Be careful. It is usually not that online relationships are the same as in person relationships.
gio_marino
New Here
I'm forcing myself to go approach women and go on dates, even though the first one I just had 2 weeks ago was a nightmare. But I'm convinced if I don't approach women I am going to end up sobbing over my ex forever & die lonely and miserable. I had such a beautiful romantic relationship for so long and my greatest fear is I'm going to go the rest of my life and never ever have experience that feeling again. So I force myself to. And I've just gotten burnt by doing it. but I'm not giving up til I find love again. My advice to you would be to try an online dating website just to get a little practice then when you are ready try to date in public. But take it slow. You don't want to go through what I just did.
After being alone for so long, my last date went so well that I let it go too fast and it turned into a disaster.
She was a woman who was a manager at my local grocery store. She was so cute and we'd smile at each other all the time. I finally made her help me find some canned tomatoes and built up the courage to give her my number. She texted me the next morning "this isn't too soon is it?!?!" she would text me constantly. We set up a date but she tried to turn it into two. "come to the movies with my girlfriends and I, I want them to meet you!" Shes obviously really attracted to me, but I didn't want to move THAT fast (ironically), talk about anxiety attack. So I declined the movie invitation and went to dinner with her the next night. I thought everything was going great, especially when we went back to my house. We kissed and I was soooo happy I let it progress all the way to sex (which is rare after a first date). We kissed goodnight at the end of the night and she left.. then I don't hear from her for two days. Then I get this text: "ohhh hey sorry was busy at work. hey listen, i don't think we should see each other outside of [the store] anymore. I just don't think we are right for each other". :cry: I ended up being a one night stand.
So not only did I manage to ruin something budding with a very attractive funny young lady, but now I cant even go to the grocery store I've shopped at my whole life. Wayyyy too much anxiety to overcome. I have to go 5 miles out of the way now to a different place.
My advice? Take it niccceee and slow... and drinking is a really bad idea, too. g/l!
devildoc130
Bronze Member
I am currently in a bit of the same situation. I haven't dated in forever, mostly because I hate being around people who do not understand me. And when I'm with someone who does, it doesn't last long because im in the military. I've found out normal relationships don't exist here. Plus my last relationship was terrible.
My relationship with this particular women was going very well, but all of a sudden she stopped talking to me. Stopped all contact. Yes, I always think it's my fault becuase of my PTSD related trauma even if it isn't. So I ussually never date anyone. I've just come to terms that I'm better left alone. I shouldn't worry because I leave the service in 9 months and I can actually go back to the "real" world again. But overall things have been terrible... so fairywings, I understand what's going on. I understand why you're feeling exhausted... I wish I could explain everything better.
My relationship with this particular women was going very well, but all of a sudden she stopped talking to me. Stopped all contact. Yes, I always think it's my fault becuase of my PTSD related trauma even if it isn't. So I ussually never date anyone. I've just come to terms that I'm better left alone. I shouldn't worry because I leave the service in 9 months and I can actually go back to the "real" world again. But overall things have been terrible... so fairywings, I understand what's going on. I understand why you're feeling exhausted... I wish I could explain everything better.
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