Hello-
Looking for either advice or support. I am as of this year a suicide survivor in year 4. I have a 18 year old daughter who also suffers from trauma.
Last year in attempt to make my life feel somewhat normal I tried to date again. Big mistake- conflicting and scary.
I was with my husband for 24 years. He had severe OCD that manifested into deeper issues. I stayed with him I know because of my own childhood traumas- Medical(Cancer kidney age 3)- sexual(at age 9-12 one perpetrator a family member)- bullying.
I would like to think that in my 50's I'm a survivor. But after reading so many conversations on here I see that I'm not alone in my difficulty with dating. Its hard to talk about this because I am so masked- so was my spouse until the abuse had escalated into a homicide suicide situation (I finally found the courage to leave the abuse). Trying now to find that trusted soul- becomes trying to push them away because you become protective. You don't want to project on them your damage. Now its not only my damage but my child.
She is also on the table. Who wants this-unless to take a little then leave. I've become so blank-I almost feel that after the suicide I have lost my intelligence- I felt the symptoms years prior to the suicide-but that was a huge dismantle.
My spouse left a journal- I carry parts of it on my phone to remind me that I was valuable to him. He created a list of my attributes. It hurts to think that I will never feel whole again- he did not make me feel those attributes he held them at arms length. It was a day to day life with him and a history full of damage. I felt locked in his cage and he knew it. I became submissive and stopped fighting for myself. I think one of my fears is that another will do the same.
I grew up this way. Even though on the outside I keep it together-the inside feels so unstable in a fragile way. I have my moments that I feel I can forge ahead -then one off day I'm back to square one.
Funny and good example when I think of the man I thought was my Good karma last year. I met him on a dating web site- he worked in law enforcement like my spouse- found that he was his boss. We wrote for a long time before we actually met- then one date -he dropped out of my life. He started sending pics again and writing like nothing happened- I tried to reach out to him-my daughter had a breakdown and I was alone. He just basically told me it was timing- here it was another woman.
I was shattered and felt empty. I don't want to give myself wide open then one blip and they are gone. It still hurts to this day. I felt humiliated and still do. I am at the point- where I feel even if I start something can I afford the risk? The risk of more time forfeited for all the energy it takes to open myself.
I hate this emptiness. I don't trust anyone. People just don't get this feeling.
Looking for either advice or support. I am as of this year a suicide survivor in year 4. I have a 18 year old daughter who also suffers from trauma.
Last year in attempt to make my life feel somewhat normal I tried to date again. Big mistake- conflicting and scary.
I was with my husband for 24 years. He had severe OCD that manifested into deeper issues. I stayed with him I know because of my own childhood traumas- Medical(Cancer kidney age 3)- sexual(at age 9-12 one perpetrator a family member)- bullying.
I would like to think that in my 50's I'm a survivor. But after reading so many conversations on here I see that I'm not alone in my difficulty with dating. Its hard to talk about this because I am so masked- so was my spouse until the abuse had escalated into a homicide suicide situation (I finally found the courage to leave the abuse). Trying now to find that trusted soul- becomes trying to push them away because you become protective. You don't want to project on them your damage. Now its not only my damage but my child.
She is also on the table. Who wants this-unless to take a little then leave. I've become so blank-I almost feel that after the suicide I have lost my intelligence- I felt the symptoms years prior to the suicide-but that was a huge dismantle.
My spouse left a journal- I carry parts of it on my phone to remind me that I was valuable to him. He created a list of my attributes. It hurts to think that I will never feel whole again- he did not make me feel those attributes he held them at arms length. It was a day to day life with him and a history full of damage. I felt locked in his cage and he knew it. I became submissive and stopped fighting for myself. I think one of my fears is that another will do the same.
I grew up this way. Even though on the outside I keep it together-the inside feels so unstable in a fragile way. I have my moments that I feel I can forge ahead -then one off day I'm back to square one.
Funny and good example when I think of the man I thought was my Good karma last year. I met him on a dating web site- he worked in law enforcement like my spouse- found that he was his boss. We wrote for a long time before we actually met- then one date -he dropped out of my life. He started sending pics again and writing like nothing happened- I tried to reach out to him-my daughter had a breakdown and I was alone. He just basically told me it was timing- here it was another woman.
I was shattered and felt empty. I don't want to give myself wide open then one blip and they are gone. It still hurts to this day. I felt humiliated and still do. I am at the point- where I feel even if I start something can I afford the risk? The risk of more time forfeited for all the energy it takes to open myself.
I hate this emptiness. I don't trust anyone. People just don't get this feeling.
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