"day"mares ... Emotional Flashbacks Or Dissociation?

[Kimpersonal]

Thanks for the link to your thoughts on this "re-write" phenomenon ... will hafta check it out!

I had a recent odd twist with this ... trying to make sense of it. Will perhaps explain on that thread topic if it seems applicable. I'm soooo behind on correspondence because I'm always reading/thinking/going on tangents to who knows where? Egads ... I cannot keep up with the whirlwind that is in my head and outside of it! :confused:

 

[Kimpersonal]

Chincho, this is why we are all here ... to help and to find help/wisdom. We are not alone! Yay!!! I'm very glad to have the people here to bounce things off of and to have things bounce off of me ... sometimes the advice and support even STICKS!!! :D

 

[Jen93]

Yeah, you guys have helped me so much more than my T ever did.

 

[712xx]

Other issues along these lines have been when someone gave me instructions ("Stay there and don’t move!") … and for whatever reason I blocked out this instruction and didn’t obey. They’d come back and see I had moved, and seemed to have completely ignored them. I’d get into trouble, punished, and it would be over; sort of.

On different day, I may be in the same room as above. I’d get a flash of this previous instruction and freeze. I’d obey the instruction as if it was given to me this day. The caregiver would walk in and see I’m sitting there not doing anything. She asked me, "what are you doing?" I’d say “I’m not moving like you told me to.”

She’d think I was being a smartass (although I was around 6 I think with this specific incident, so smartass may have still been over my head a little.) This didn’t stop her from believing me to be capable of it though, and thought this was my way of ‘giving her lip’ or getting back at her for punishing me. I don’t know; I’m not a mind reader, and she didn’t let me in on her inner thought process.

It did seem like a lot of times adults wanted me to read their mind, or thought I was capable of reading between lines. I was very literal though, in reality. I still am mostly when it comes to understanding verbal commands. Reading is easier to pick apart and think about -- timing may be an issue.

Anyway, those kinds of things happened all the time. I’d remember specific instructions that were given in the past, or specific ‘mutterings’ to me directly and would seem as if it was a ‘today’ thing. It happened a few times during college classes, but as an adult (and after years of therapy) I recognized it to be flashback issues and not anything surreal.

 

[Jen93]

@712xx This happens to me too. Is it dissociation as well? I've been sleeping in my closet the past three days hiding from my middle school teacher and my nanny so that I don't get shaken/slapped anymore. I've also ended up standing in the corner, (there was an incident where we were reading the diary of Anne frank and a few of the girls were giggling so they got sent to the corner) in my bedroom every day this week thinking I'm in trouble for giggling. These are accompanied by flashbacks-and I'm ACTING it out-like REALLY THERE.

It's such a weird experience... I can't place a name on it-it's like I'm acting out the trauma, my thoughts are the same as during the trauma, I don't know if there's a name for it.

 

[712xx]

I'm unsure, maybe the flashback triggered a dissociative episode?

For me, certain flashbacks (as a kid) were triggered by panic of not knowing if I was doing the right thing right at that moment. This happened a lot if I was left alone for too long. If I wasn't getting constant feedback for being on the right track, I'd be left wondering 'am I being good?' Am I forgetting to do something? What comes next? I'd be too scared to ask; being unsure if I'd get in trouble for forgetting. I'd usually would be anyway because they'd say I wasn't paying attention. I was, but I couldn't hold it all in my mind while at the same time doing all the tasks set before me.

These worries happened, because I'd be in trouble frequently for forgetting multi-step instructions. I'd do the first part, but would forget everything after that, even when they'd go over it with me (but then leave the room).

I'd frequently do the front part of a worksheet/homework page, but forget to flip it over and do the back. I'd be so proud I'd finished -- then get insulted by the teacher (and my own brain) because I really hadn't finished. These things happened with non-trauma stuff, because of similar issues with associating similar trauma-related events. Not hugging my family tight enough, or sincere enough led to ... bad things ... to show me intamacy is important in family and it got out of hand and trickled into other things.

There was a snowball effect, and no matter how much I tried, my efforts were not good enough (because I didn't mean it ... that was a common complaint against me). I transfered my panic-triggers onto other things that were safer to deal with like school; effectively putting the trauma stuff out of my mind.

Forgetting or not hearing instructions because my focus was elsewhere, (inability to cast all my senses out into the world like fly fishing) is just a result of my natural introversion. I didn't know till I was an adult that I have to write things down before I can remember multi-step projects. My panicky reactions happen as a result of being unusually punished just for being myself. I didn't know I had to do extra stuff that other people didn't in order to remember things. To be fair, the adults in my life didn't know either. They just figured I wasn't paying attention, or I was just lazy.

Think of 2 hands and their fingers intertwined. My own natural issues on one hand (extreme natural introversion, lack of ability to express enough affection, punished for it, and making things worse), these fingers overlap my family's unhealthy reactions to my natural self -- inducing trauma represented by fingers on the other hand.