Childhood Dealing With Anxiety Because My Abuser's Children Want To Know Me

[kuzaliwa]

Hi,
I'm in my late 50s. I'm generally a positive person, and compassionate to most, struggling with compassion for self, working on it.
I was sexually abused by my father when I was a baby and then in my teens by my younger brother, he was a couple years younger than I. Both of them have died.
Recently my brothers children have started wanting to be in touch. They are contacting me via social media. I don't want to have contact as I don't want to say anything to them about their father. I know it's not their fault but it's too painful to be in touch. Has anyone else had this type of challenge and how did you deal with it? I am also anxious about them trying to contact my children who are grown now.

 

[The Albatross]

Your choice to be in contact or not is your choice. Does it change anything that your brother has passed? If it's too painful for you, at this time, you're certainly not obligated to be in contact.

So far as them contacting your children, that really is between them.

 

[kuzaliwa]

Your choice to be in contact or not is your choice. Does it change anything that your brother has...

Thanks for the feedback. I realize the decision is mine. I am feeling pressured by a family member. He has been dead for 15 years But it is still painful to participate in family conversation where his name comes up and I was being pressured by other family members about becoming connected to his children. His children have been raised to assume that they should be able to ask me about him, other family members seems to feel I shoudl be the one to speak with them. As far as my children, I have concern also as there is a lot of manipulation and guilt being used to force a connection. I have a sister who taught her children to stay away from our primary family. I posted here to see what other people have done in similar although maybe not identical situations.

 

[scout86]

Do his children know the truth about your 'relationship' with their father?

 

[kuzaliwa]

I am assuming they don't. They think he was a hero, but there is a lot no one has told them I suspect. I am the oldest and apparently expected to help them make sense of his early death. They had contact with my mother who has now passed away and she had told me never to refer to what happened with my brother as he was turning his life around at the time I had told her. His children feel hard done by because no one has told them what he was like. I

 

[scout86]

In a situation like that, you shouldn't have to lie for and it's a bit much to expect YOU to be the one to tell them what he was like, in your experience of him.

Do your children know?

 

[kuzaliwa]

In a situation like that, you shouldn't have to lie for and it's a bit much to expect YOU to be the one...

My older child knows. My younger one is still a teen and I haven't told them.
Yes, I have kept away because I can't lie. My parents also lied to me about our families so I am very sensitive to that regarding young people. I am starting to sort my thoughts out on this. I just have to stay firm about staying away from them.

 

[kuzaliwa]

Thank you everyone who has responded to my comment. You've helped me clarify my thoughts on the issue. I am very grateful.

 

[Freedomfighter]

Hi,
I'm in my late 50s. I'm generally a positive person, and compassionate to most, struggling with co...

Anything that makes you uneasy you have the right to stop. In your situation it would be understandable. Perhaps you can cite family differences rooted in the past that will not allow you to communicate with them.
It may at first be a shock to them, but it is just better to let them know right off the bat...