Dealing with delayed response

[tiler]

My T wants me to talk about the trauma so that I have narrative. I agree this would potentially be helpful, although I do think I have a narrative in my head already, I just haven’t spoken about it to anyone, so I’m not sure that doing that would be any more helpful.

Main issue though is that I have a delayed response to trying to do the talking. So during therapy I can mostly answer direct questions about it if they are focused on a particular area and if they are closed questions. Open ended questions are more tricky for me, I hate them.

But when I do disclose something, I don’t feel anything really during the session. Afterwards, I get easily triggered and start having flashbacks which are really hard to ground from. I’m basically reenacting the trauma and it’s really not very nice.

Why the delayed response, and how do I stop that happening so that I get an actual response when I am talking about it so that I’m aware of when I’m saying too much or is too much for me to handle?

 

[tiler]

My guess is that I’m dissociating while disclosing trauma, but it doesn’t feel like I am while I’m talking, I feel like I’m present. So either I don’t know what it feels like to actually be present, or it’s not that I’m dissociating?

 

[Movingforward10]

Why the delayed response, and how do I stop that happening so that I get an actual response when I am talking about it so that I’m aware of when I’m saying too much or is too much for me to handle?

I have that too. It creates a lot of confusion because the 'thing' has happened, so why do all these feelings and disregulation come now when there is no clear trigger?

But, yep, I agree with you that it is disassociation. Compartmentalizing in your head. Switch A off to achieve B. But A is still there. So it comes out in ways unrelated or seemingly unrelated.

But, you now have awareness of the delayed reaction so you can work on it. Have you raised it with your T? Sounds an important thing to work on and have support with.

I also wonder about the direct questions. Is T leading therapy or are you? Have you asked T to lead? I know in the early days, I needed my T to lead the discussion as I had no clue how to. But, I wonder if the way you're talking about it is helping you or not?

 

[tiler]

Thanks for your response.

Yes, T is aware.

T is leading mostly and I much prefer it that way. She does try to ask open ended questions now and then, but I just go into internal panic mode and give an answer I think she wants to hear. It doesn’t work for me at all and she gets the wrong answers.

Closed questions lead to me opening up more, but then I get the delayed reactions and wish I hadn’t talked at all.

 

[Midnightmoon]

I was/ am the same, my old T used somatic experiencing to try and link my words to actually noticing feeling things as supposed to dissociating, easier said than done and was very much a 'drip drip' approach.

If closed questions work for you in terms of communicating with T for now I'd say role with it, and in time the openness will become more tolerable to manage. T will nudge you too, cause that's their job!

When the stuff happens after sessions, have you tried to write/ record/ draw etc as it's happening/ directly after- start to recognise the emotional response? I used to voice note utter twaddle and then take it to T next session and play it (which was all sorts of hideous but helped me and her get where I was because 3/4 of the time I was just floating about in therapy saying I was fine)

 

[Movingforward10]

I get the delayed reactions and wish I hadn’t talked at all.

I don't know if this helps. I spent a long time trying to avoid reactions/feelings. So so so many times I was focusing on making those feelings go away. Fighting them. And then, my T highlighted a time in a session where I spoke about the feelings in a way that owned and claimed them and she said I hadn't once, in that session, said I wanted the feelings to go away. I had accepted them and knew they would move on again. (Wish I could remain in that state of mind!).
But, I wonder if some of this is fighting the feelings?
We pushed them away when the trauma was happening as far too overwhelming to deal with. And when we talk about it now, again the same. So we put a lot of energy, consciousnessly or not, to avoid the feelings. But they are there.

Do you think that regretting talking about trauma because of the delayed reaction is trying to avoid the reaction?

What happens with the delayed reaction? How does it impact you?
Can you build in some self care?

It's so so so tough going through this.

 

[Charbella]

Vulnerability hangover, people who don’t have big trauma get it too. It just means that after you’ve shared you have to deal with all the emotions tied to it.

I have huge delay to sharing. For me it comes from spending my whole life pretending to be fine. It’s my automatic response to shelf my emotions. For me EMDR has been the only thing to break that process and even then it’s a constant battle to just say what’s coming up, without EMDR it just wasn’t happening.

 

[Sideways]

Closed questions lead to me opening up more, but then I get the delayed reactions and wish I hadn’t talked at all

The bulk of healing work is processing the emotions, rather than going through the motions of recounting the details of what we’ve been through.

Therapy hangovers are very common. For me, I have to schedule therapy sessions in a way that takes into account the period after therapy were I won’t be able to function normally.

I also found it incredibly helpful to do therapies that don’t focus on the trauma at all, and instead focus on how to cope with those huge emotional responses. They take time, but it was definitely time well spent.

 

[Movingforward10]

For me, I have to schedule therapy sessions in a way that takes into account the period after therapy were I won’t be able to function normally.

That reminds me that initially I booked a 'no meeting day' in my work diary for the day after therapy. As I just couldn't focus the next day. It didn't stop meetings being booked in, but it did reduce them. And that helped.

Definitely building in a routine to help with the delayed reactions.

 

[tiler]

In terms of the delayed reaction, it’s very much a reenactment which I’m not in control of rather than an emotional thing. The only emotion is terror.

My body starts reenacting the trauma. It’s kind of unbelievable what happens and I have very little control of it.

 

[Movingforward10]

In terms of the delayed reaction, it’s very much a reenactment which I’m not in control of rather than an emotional thing. The only emotion is terror.

My body starts reenacting the trauma. It’s kind of unbelievable what happens and I have very little control of it.

Sounds unbearable and difficult.

when my body goes into terror mode and I feel powerless and out of control, various things have helped me. Like:
talking out loud. Hearing my adult voice really really helps to ground me in the here and now.
stroking my arms or hugging myself,
playing with something tactile (I used the cats toys or a little stone a friend got me).

those little gentle things helped. Trying to find ways to believe that you’re ok, that you’re safe, that you do have control.
it’s not easy and it definitely isn’t instant, but practice helps.

 

[shimmerz]

My T wants me to talk about the trauma so that I have narrative. I agree this would potentially be helpful, although I do think I have a narrative in my head already, I just haven’t spoken about it to anyone, so I’m not sure that doing that would be any more helpful.

If you already have a narrative in your head, I agree - not sure that it would be so helpful.

Main issue though is that I have a delayed response to trying to do the talking. So during therapy I can mostly answer direct questions about it if they are focused on a particular area and if they are closed questions. Open ended questions are more tricky for me, I hate them.

If you hate them, why are you allowing them? It sounds to me like you have an abreaction to them that is fairly serious. Can you ask your T to give you warning prior to being put on the spot when he asks these questions? Then maybe you can think about the question prior to the next appt.

Afterwards, I get easily triggered and start having flashbacks which are really hard to ground from. I’m basically reenacting the trauma and it’s really not very nice.

Is there a chance, a possibility, that you can - rather than focus on the flashback, try to focus on your need at the time? What or who could have helped you feel safe? What could have happened differently that would have changed the outcome to 'not a trauma'? What could have been done to help you feel empowered afterwards? Rather than going into the past - can you look at what would have been healthy and once you have that in place then tell him what happened?

Why the delayed response, and how do I stop that happening so that I get an actual response when I am talking about it so that I’m aware of when I’m saying too much or is too much for me to handle?

It's a trauma. It is a dissociated part of yourself. It appears when it is ready to appear. Most likely when it feels it is safe for it to appear. Which leads me to believe this T is doing this too early. If you were ready for it to come out with your T, you would be able to talk about it to your T. I feel like he needs to do more work on trust with you before he keeps doing this to you.

Just an opinion. Please ignore if unhelpful.