Dealing With Panic Attacks And An Active Trigger

[Abigail]

I hope that title will make sense.

Gosh I haven't posted in forever. I'm so so sorry.

So I am living with my dad until this summer when I turn 18 and go to university. Normally, him and I are as fine as him and I can be (he is a distant parent, and considering my other parent is abusive, I really don't mind the distance).

He is a nightmare in the morning, to put it simply. I mean, screaming, banging, stomping around, all of it. He has never hit me and definitely hasn't attacked me like my mum had, but that doesn't calm my PTSD at all. This morning I woke up at 3am and I haven't been able to sleep since because of it. It has been an hour and he isn't doing it anymore, but this panic still lingers. I'm terrified. My heart and breathing are uncontrollable (taking deep breaths too soon will make me so dizzy), and flashbacks start up and ugh. :

Why he is screaming is generally him expression his hatred of mornings. It's a slew of swears (which he rarely swears in front of me and doesn't like me swearing, so it is doubley terrifying), sometimes screaming about me if I didn't do something like set up his coffee maker or whatever.

Do you guys have any tips? I usually stick my headphones on, rock back and forth, and listen to pandora to fall asleep, but it doesn't always block out 100% what he is doing (especially when I am sensitive enough to feel the house vibrating). Sometimes I even text my boyfriend; I know he isn't awake to answer, but it makes me feel like I have some connection to someone I trust and can feel genuinely safe around. I can't tell my dad that he needs to stop- first off because I am the kid, and second because I have and he claims he has every right to express himself. Well... yeah duh but you don't need to set off your traumatised daughter, thanks.

Thanks for your time. This community is amazing xx

 

[KwanYingirl]

Ok you have to put up with him til June when you go to college. He's not likely to change on your behalf. You describe him as the best of two evils. My life was like this. When I left for college I vowed I would never return to their home. I studied hard and got a good job and I've never asked them for anything. I started making escape plans when I was in middle school after he came after me with a cast iron skillet.
I tried to disappear. Careful not to trigger him. I made sure I got good grades so he'd not have a reason to terrorize me. Then out of the blue, my mother kicked him out. Unfortunately, she took him back and he just ignored me for the rest of his life.fine by me.
I lived in my room except for dinner and school. I had an eating disorder and depression both untreated. My mother got me ear plugs to drown out his rants and I had an escape plan. He was a tyrant. Hang in there. I Had one teacher that knew my home life and he tutored me and became my support adult. He used to tell me to report this to my guidance counselor but I was too afraid.
Yes I rocked myself to sleep, never knowing when he'd barge in in the middle of the night. How I succeeded in school was my tutor. And once my mother dropped me off at college I felt happier than I could ever dream of. My father said college is a waste of money for a girl because all were good for is cooking and cleaning. Well I'm one of five kids and only me and my younger brother went to college.
So many teenagers are experiencing what you are. It is domestic violence. Do you have a trusted teacher at school? Can you get involved in extra curricular activities that would fill up your time?
I'm so sorry you have to put up with this. You said your mom is also abusive? Do you have an aunt or uncle or friend you could live with til June? I took in one of my sons friend when they were seniors. He made it to college and is very successful now but underneath, he has a lot of rage.
What I did was get a two year degree in Radiography then paid for my batchelors degree myself, plus tuition reimbursement through the hospital I worked at. A fellow student was doing the same thing. She wanted to go to art school and she did and is very well known now.
If he lays so much as a finger on you, go to the police.

 

[shimmerz]

taking deep breaths too soon will make me so dizzy

So many people don't understand this. They would always tell me to breathe (I take shallow breaths until I pass out - not on purpose), and I seriously would tell them exactly this. If I breathe, the hell that hits me through flashbacks and feelings will drive me to want to die.

I am so sorry that you are living your life in between the best of two evils. Do you have noise cancelling headphones? Maybe a stupid question, but have you ever spoken to your father about this? I wouldn't suggest it through the times he is experiencing whatever this is, but is he approachable when he is 'over it' and calm(er)?

 

[Abigail]

My dad is not an approachable guy when it comes to these things, to be honest. He doesn't understand "why I can't handle problems like a normal person." He doesn't understand that "there's nothing to be anxious about" doesn't solve an anxiety disorder. I used to think he tried to research and understand what I was going through... but to be honest, I'm not even sure anymore. He refuses to even acknowledge I have PTSD in the first place.

It's hard and I feel bad for complaining because, yeah, my mum would /actually/ abuse me, but it's still super real and I just can't deal with it anymore, especially now with people at my school terrorising me more and more each day.

Thank you so much for the replies, and I apologise that it took me so long to get back. I'm really anxious with making posts like these.

 

[shimmerz]

I don't understand why people who do things like this....

I mean, screaming, banging, stomping around, all of it.

Don't understand how

I can't handle problems like a normal person

can happen as well....

Funny what people consider 'normal'.