Dealing with people trying to draw you in to conflicts

[IamFree]

hello hoping for some tips as nothing in my life has really prepared me very well for dealing with the wider world. I am feeling very angry with a colleague who keeps on trying to get me drawn in to issues with another colleague I get along with . I am not blind of course this person is not perfect but who is and if you like someone you like someone and you can have some compassion for there foibles. I think a lot of what she is coming to tell me is things she should be saying to them her self and sometimes its just bordering on vindictive and like fault finding especially when she is calling her out for things she has done her self in the past and singleing her out about things and she was not even a witness. I am trying to figure out what her motives may be for wanting to get me so drawn in and how to set boundaries with it.

 

[blackemerald1]

Sorry you are stuck in this type of situation... it sucks.

I am trying to figure out what her motives may be for wanting to get me so drawn in and how to set boundaries with it.

^^Her motives could be many and varied. If I was you, honestly I would not even try to begin to work out what her intent is. But you can see it is hurtful regardless of why she is doing it.

Boundaries are something you set for yourself. For instance I don't engage in gossip... so I cannot sit by and actively listen to people gossip about other's. This is my boundary. When someone begins to gossip I get up and yawn, stretch and walk away... or I find something much more interesting to discuss or divert to.

I have said to particular people 'you soon learn what someone is capable of saying about yourself by what they say about others.' Once that sinks in - quite often attempts to engage me in gossip cease.

 

[grit]

I find one of the biggest thing in trauma related reaction is we always think what are others thinking and how to react to that? our frame is from the point view of others not the point of view of us.
Just reading your situation, I would not think about this person's thought or motives but YOURS. When you feel angry at this person, just think of that anger and acknowledge and see for what it is this person poking your boundaries.
If or when you feel lying to this person, feel that tightness in your chest, acknowledge it and realize you are changing YOU to be liked by this person you do not even like.

these are just examples. Just stay in your feelings and all of sudden they will lose power over you to feel they are recruiting you to make others suffer.

You can make a pact with your self to say I am going to be neutral in this situation. So next time jackass comes over, just change the topic to mundane things with smile. YOU TAKE CONTROL OF THE CONVERSATION.

not sure if this is helpful but I have done many times to stay good both sides of groupies at work and usually I stay with my feelings rather than fall into their and guess what is going in their minds. I'd never know.

 

[Friday]

Is the conflict personal or professional?

 

[KimmyO]

Oh, bummer. it is always hard in a triangle, there is jealousy and envy and someone ends up feeling left out. I do hope you can resolve it wo losing a friend, but sounds like the one complaining a lot might be the problem. She may want you to herself or be a busy body, or just insecure. Don't give up on either unless you have to. Maybe speak w the complainer in love and say you just don't want to talk about this other person that way anymore. Walk away if you have to, and verbally reward any positive thing she says to reprogram her response and fix her more toward positivity. Speak kind works to her about herself, to bolster her ego and let her know you care for her, and then right after say something positive about the other person so she sees the need for that to all.

 

[Justmehere]

Complaining about weaknesses in another that someone has themselves, is called projection. It is actually pretty common. I have a friend who deeply insecure about their abilities to drive, but every time they drive, they rant about the poor driving skills of everybody else. Drives me nuts. It is a case of the kettle calling the pot black. People are usually not aware they are doing this, and they often think their own motives are righteous in complaining about others.

Many work spaces get gossipy and there seems to always be someone who tries to triangulate people into a conflict instead of deal with a problem directly. The motives can be very good, but I wouldn’t actually bother trying to figure out the motives of someone trying to do this, because even if well intended, it’s still unhealthy behavior. The road to hell is paved with good intentions.

The solution for someone attempting to triangulate or complain about another at work is boundaries.

You can’t change them, but you can change you.

What I tell people who try to complain to me about others at work: “I am not going to talk negatively about others when they are not around.” And then I do that. If they persist, I will walk away, shut down the convo, change the subject (even awkwardly), etc. I do not continue to listen. That enables triagulation.

The person can always vent to someone else in their lives that isn’t in the same workspace. You don’t need to get involved. It will help all to have healthier relationships at work if you don’t get involved in triangulation or complaining about others. Is this easy? Not always. It’s better than the alternative and continuing to get sucked in.

Sometimes, depending on the person/relationship with the person and where I’m at mentally, I will add, “I care about you a lot, and I know this is an important matter to you. I’m glad to talk to you about your life, but not about your complaints about another at work. I strongly suggest you take your concerns directly to them (or a supervisor if applicable.) That’s the most effective way to solve your concerns. I can’t help.” Then I change the subject.

I’m careful to not say, I can’t talk about so-and-so... By stating is as a general principle, it de-personalizes it. You can tell them you’ve decided to not be the go-between because you care about them both and don’t want to be in the middle.

In limited situations, I have said to people I will go with them to talk to the other person as a mediator, but I won’t talk to them about the other person unless they are there in person, to hear all that is said. People rarely actually take me up on this offer, but when they have taken me up on the offer, it’s been pretty helpful. It’s hard to do though, so I wouldn’t recommend it lightly. In a work situation, they can take the concerns to the proper supervisor to handle.

As someone who has worked in a supervisor capacity, I set the expectation for my staff that if they are experiencing problems with a coworker, they need to not complain about it to others, no gossip, but I make myself super approachable so they can come to me so I can help solve the matter. The supervisor in this case might not be super approachable - but that is the right person to handle this. If you are the supervisor, then I recommend to take it super seriously, work with your HR, ask for a written statement. Etc. People who just want to gossip and vent will shut down fast. Those that want solutions will actually work with you to solve it.

Outside of you being the supervisor of the other person, it’s actually better for all for you to not be in the middle.

People who want to be gossips or really don’t want to deal with the conflict will get pissed when I such down triangulation, but as long as I keep the boundary, they generally stop trying and my relationships with them and others improve. The awesome side effect: people end up trusting me more because I develop a reputation for not talking about others behind their back. Also, every now and then, someone actually finally goes directly to the person and fixes it themselves. Like an adult.

Really, they don’t need you to fix this for them. They might just not know it yet. And even more so, you get to say no. You get to not be involved.

If the relationship with this triangulator falls apart because you won’t listen to them complain about a colleague, then so be it. That’s ok. They are not really a trustworthy person because they are so willing to gossip and posion the water about people behind their back. You don’t have to be the dumping ground for all your co-workers.

The people at work that are healthy to be friends with, they will respect a boundary to not get triangulated into drama and venting.

 

[LuckiLee]

I have a coworker who complains about everything! I finally had to tell her she's stressing me out and to take her concerns to her supervisor. It worked! She would also complain about certain departments and people being lazy. I asked her if she ever worked in that department before. She said she hadn't. So I told her she shouldn't be commenting about it then... She doesn't complain to me anymore. Good luck!