Relationship Ptsd+miscarriage = Huge Conflicts

[Clyde]

Hi all,
It's been a very long time since I've been on this forum, but I'm drawn back because we're so stuck, and I could really use some advice and support. Things had been doing so well - we both have good jobs in the same city (after 5 years commuting), she was feeling really safe, and opening up more. (She has PTSD originating from childhood sexual and physical abuse). We have a toddler who is the joy of both of our lives. She had been so afraid of hurting him for the first 6-9 months of his life. But he's thriving, and so she's been able to have an amazing connection to him.

Our lives have been one crisis after another starting last september. She conceived twins in august, and one of them didn't survive (vanishing twin in september). At the same time our house was damaged in the floods, our son's daycare closed suddenly for 3 weeks (it's on government property, so was closed in the shutdown), simultaneous major work deadlines, horrible bullying colleague acting out at her work, realizing the damage to our house was much worse than expected, construction (i.e. strangers = danger in our house all day every day and huge money stress).

I wasn't very attached to the fetus; at the first ultrasound it was already clearly not going to make it (the doctor said very very unlikely to survive). However, it did have a heartbeat, and she was clearly very upset. I had incorrectly assumed that she had grieved and was doing well when she stopped bringing it up.

I had been attributing her insistent anger and disappointment directed at me as a result of our overly stressful lives. However, she recently was able to share with me that she feels like the grief of loosing the baby has been all consuming and feels hurt and betrayed that I didn't realize that. She feels a huge lack of trust in me because of my anger at her constant anger at me.

Now I'm trying to find a way to do my part (and I recognize that she has a part as well) to navigate back towards the sharing and empathy we had for each other last august. It feels so hard when all of our interactions seem to involve her finding fault in me.

What has been helping it that I read a pregnancy-loss support book which has a reasonable explanation for the anger - being directed at me as part of grief and that is missing it's mark and so not being resolved because we had such different levels of grief in the process. Apparently this is particular common for a vanishing twin, since the partner finds it much easier to focus on the living fetus (as I did), and it can be hard to grieve while actively pregnant. However, everything I've read about miscarriage either doesn't consider PTSD or only acknowledges it as a possible consequence.

However, it seems to me that her profound sense of lack of safety (which it feels like I get criticized for not fixing) is much more a PTSD response.

She struggles with feeling like her abuse was her fault, and so I can easily imagine her feeling like something was wrong with her that she couldn't support the twin. Perhaps I'm feeding into this.

What else should I be thinking about? Has anyone seen any information about coping with a miscarriage as a PTSD sufferer? Any advice on how to 1)empathize with her loss despite the anger and 2) not make things actively worse unintentionally?

I know that in the long run the best thing will be to be able to talk about it together, but that doesn't feel like an option right now.

Thank you all for your kindness.

 

[stilldancing]

Wow. I'm new to this forum, and your post was the first one I saw. I happen to be a PTSD survivor, AND I suffered a miscarriage in Jan. to boot. I would agree that a lack of safety does seem to be PTSD related. I often feel unsafe, and hyperaware when my PTSD is rearing it's ugly head.

I know with my experience with miscarriage, I have a hard time not being angry with my husband because he's seemed to get over it and move on much quicker then I have. I was only five weeks, but I could still feel my empty stomach that first night, and it felt wrong. He didn't have to. He didn't have to go through the hormone waves, and physical symptoms I had to experience. He could go on with his day in day out, while I could barely stay awake to take care of our preschooler.

I can't give you advice on how to empathize, but to not make things worse, respect her feelings are going to be different. Allow her to talk out and have those feelings vs. "fixing it". I hope that helps..

 

[Em C.]

I'm 19 so I have absolutely no idea for you (sorry) in that sense as thankfully I've never been pregnant. However, the fact that you are able to look at this and you've been looking into it and trying to see things from more than one perspective is a great thing for a supporter of someone with PTSD to have. I'm not speaking for all of the thousands of people on here but if I act out or am angry at people or get really hurt because they don't ask, its as much because of what the circumstance is as worrying about how everyone else (so you) would handle it. She was probably worried and feeling insecure telling you, not wanting to hurt you and not wanting to hurt herself more by dealing with it. *hugs* and I think talking it out will be important but first try to make her feel as safe as you can without doing it so obviously that she feels 'different'.

Sorry that I'm responding and have no insight whatsoever, but good luck!

 

[Echo]

I have also had miscarriages. They are associated with a profound sense of loss and more than anything the overwhelming feeling that you as mother have failed to protect the foetus. I felt like my body had let the baby down. There was also, for me, the sense of abandonment by the foetus; that somehow you weren't good enough as a mother. I do think it needs to be treated as a proper bereavement. Nothing will replace the lost baby.

I was not lucky enough to have one that stuck and it leaves you with a sense of incompleteness and unfinished business. Friends who had miscarriages but then also carried babies to term say they never forget the lost ones, but are so busy looking after the ones that survive that it becomes more manageable.

All this combined with PTSD with its abandonment, betrayal and abuse issues will be very difficult for your wife. She will need professional help not to internalise the blame and belief she is bad. She may also identify with the lost foetus and worry about its safety now and hate her body for discharging it. I would have thought that she needs help also so that she doesn't fall prey to post-natal depression and her relationship with your other children is not interrupted making things worse for her sense of self-worth.

It is very hard when you are screaming inside if your partner minimises (or appears to minimise) what is happening. When you are pregnant, it is so important to feel that your partner also is protective of you and your baby.

Many people find it is helpful to have an external focus for their grief. Some people plant a tree for the baby or even have a sort of funeral and grave. Something that is close to you and your family (in your garden?) So that you can see it grow or visit it. Maybe you could broach this subject with your wife and see if she would like "your" idea or what she might find helpful to acknowledge the existence of this small lost person (which is how she probably sees it) and give him/her/it a suitable send-off. It would mean a lot if it came from you; it would suggest you understand the gravity of her feelings and take them seriously as bereavement. Above all, keep loving and not blaming her and show your commitment to your family. And seek help yourself if you feel you need it. I hope things improve for you all.

 

[Clyde]

Thank you all for the helpful comments. I hadn't thought about the issue of abandonment. I have already suggested that we have some sort of memorial, but we decided to table that idea until we next see our couples therapist. I really like the idea of planting a tree or something that we could watch grow.

 

[Bilby]

I'm a supporter of someone with PTSD, but I have suffered from multiple miscarriages, so I can share some thoughts with you, from that perspective.

I couldn't stand my own skin. I felt disgusted by myself and my body's inability to sustain a life that I saw as more important than my own. It was like the ultimate gift had been given to me, yet then snatched away. It made me feel like such a failure - that the one thing that my body was designed to do, as a woman, I couldn't do.

It's obviously very physically traumatic, when you consider what happens during a miscarriage, and that can take a very heavy psychological toll. One thing that I found particularly helpful, was to write my little ones a letter; give them a name. I remember the first letter I wrote, took me several days, but I was able to pour out my emotions into that letter. I was able to tell my little one all about the hopes and dreams I had for her and our life together and how sorry I was. It was hard work, but so worth it. I felt some relief after I was able to get these thoughts out. I put the letter, and a special little teddy bear, in a little white box.

A lot of people find writing a poem, or seeking out suitable poetry, to be helpful, or planting a special plant/tree as a memorial to their little one - and it's something that you can take care of.