Dear People Of Walmart....

[Kaii]

Yesterday I forced myself to get out of bed and to leave the house. The psychiatrist said that I had to stop isolating myself and to get out of the house and mingle with "people".

And so, yesterday was THE day. I even set my alarm and when it went off, I spent an extra hour in bed, procrastinating. I finally drug myself out of bed, got dressed and went out to the car with my trusty dog in tow.

I find that I cannot go anywhere without her, she is like my security blanket.

I arrived at Walmart, as we needed shampoo and toilet paper, and I sat in the parking lot for an eternity trying to psych myself up to open the car door.

I finally got out of the car, locked my car three times and made my way into the store. I held onto my keys and cell phone for dear life as I walked through the store. I felt paranoid and hypervigilant as I looked around.

I was almost done shopping when I went down the junk food aisle, which was a big mistake because that is apparently where all the people who do not understand the concept of "personal space" hang out.

There was this one woman who had scraggly, wild hair who followed me up the aisle. She was so close to me, I could have reached out and poked her with my finger. I was so uncomfortable and started panicking, so I stopped and went back down the aisle....and she followed me. I almost started to have a screaming meltdown, I could feel the words bubbling in my throat. My chest felt like it was going to explode.

Instead, I left the store. I just got the hell out of there.

I hightailed it out before someone else walked too closely to me and that ended my excursion to Walmart. My attempt to stop isolating myself from others did not work out as I had hoped.

PTSD has destroyed my faith in humanity. Finding Sarah's murdered and tortured body has been the death of innocence for me. I used to think that people were innately good but I have seen with my own eyes what another human being is capable of and I am afraid now. My trust is gone. I now see people as entities who are capable of great harm towards others.

And so, today, I have spent the day in bed....again. In bed where I am safe but my life is just passing me by :(

 

[Kintsugi]

WOW, Kaii, going to Wal-Mart is a huge step! That place sucks the worst, in my opinion. Going to Wal-Mart scares the crap out of me just because of its parking lot. I don't think that my isolation/hypervigilance issues are as restrictive and extreme as what you appear to be experiencing, so way to go on getting into that store. Just seeing that huge building gives me the willies. Sorry to say that the mass population of Wal-Mart and general dysfunction of that population in all the myriads of ways that people can be defunct creates some weird situations. I'm sorry that you went through that fear, but I applaud your steps toward "mingling." Perhaps there is a drug store that would be smaller and more quiet? Rite-Aids and Walgreens are pretty small and also offer the items you need. I'm not trying to take you backwards from where you're at; I just think that Wal-Mart is a bad experience for people who *don't* suffer from hypervigilance, and these stores could be an easier first run out of the house?

Good job! Sending you hugs.

 

[The Albatross]

Yeah I don't like the long narrow aisles and not being able to see over the top. I am getting a bit better about it though. I use distraction when I'm in there, and when I'm scanning I'm looking to see if anyone I know is there. Usually I find someone and I take a minute to engage with a "how are you" and listen. Listening to the voice of someone I know helps me beat the anxiety. Maybe the library? I did that for a while, I would go to the library. Find a book and look at people coming and going, pretending to be reading. I did it for time, 10 minutes, then kept adding time til I felt okay in the library. I'm okay in bookstores now too, I go in, but an heral tea, pick a book sit in a comfy chair and stay til I finish my tea just for practice when my mind starts reving up the isolating behavior.

 

[Serene]

Good job, Kaii. I know how frustrating it can be to try to do something that is supposed to make you feel better and you end up feeling worse. You took a big step way out of your comfort zone. That takes a LOT of courage. Pat yourself on the back.

 

[Kaii]

I get so freaked out when I think that someone is looking at or following me. I dont like it when people are right beside me or god forbid, behind me. Having someone behind me is the absolute worst. I am paranoid to the nth degree when that happens. I prefer to be a "safe" distance away from people. My personal space circumference has increased exponentially since the PTSD.

I'm so thankful for this forum because I could never explain that to someone in my day to day life and have them understand. I actually reached out and tried to explain it to my mother once and it was a complete waste of time.

So thank you forum members for understanding!

 

[Srain]

Too true, and one of the things I've notice is that they have added all those freaking LOUD mind-numbing :O_o:advertising screens on almost every aisle along with muszak piped in overhead. Throw in running and climbing children, small aisles, people yelling into cell phones like they are tin cans on string and it's a sensory overload! It's not a place I go if I can help it unless I go with someone or my Service Dog and even she gets a little "holy crap!" going while there.

I'm thinking you did very well getting out like you did. No surprise that you might find a little quieter place to make as your destination next time ;) If it's a store, I usually try the corner drug store and browse, the aisles are larger and they tend to be much calmer.

I get what you mean about the evil in this world, it's sad to know that about humanity but there are still the good people and I have always tried to focus on strength of those that truly fight on for that, they are out there I promise you that.

Rain

 

[Reclusive]

Good for you for the attempt! Walmart is a huge first step, so I support the idea of smaller safer places. Hell, before I had my meltdown Walmart freaked me out - it's just got such a horrible vibe to it and there's too much going on and people get crazy when they go in there. I swear, it's like the twilight zone or something. Good on you, nonetheless!

 

[ktmarie71]

That was a very big step. Over time it will get better if you keep trying. I think Wal-mart can be scary for anyone. I have friends who do not suffer from PTSD and they have often said how they hate going there because of all the "interesting" people.
My husband came up with a very good idea for me. I am not saying this will help you but humor really works for me. I like to go on people of wal-mart. I know the humor is rude and it makes fun of people but it also makes the scary people less scary.
In a way I do not fully understand, seeing people who would normally scare the hell out me in a humorous light, helps me remember that not everything I am afraid of is actually that threatening; when seen from a non-traumatized prespective.
However, I still will not go there late at night!

 

[ronin47]

I never liked Wal Mart. At the risk of sounding discriminatory, it's a redneck store. You were very brave to pick a supermarket as your first place to go. Perhaps try something a little less ambitious next time ;). Perhaps you could just sit on your porch and read a book next time?

 

[Reclusive]

I'm just horrified I might end up on that website. I know I leave the house sometimes looking ridiculous because I can't be bothered to change out of my jammies.

 

[blogitout]

I am sorry ....
But I have to say most of these posts make me giggle but in a good way....I have kept so much inside but walmart trips bring it rate out and I have to giggle,this is how I get through life...I step back and try to think of something funny about a situation...It keeps me going out...
Humour is a good thing...
If i am having a break down I do leave of course but I pat myself on the back for going...
I also try to focus on finding a deal...This is fun and destracting,good for any store...or you but something for someone else if u have the doe...even a card..
bUt WOWo for you ,you made it far...

 

[Grama-Herc]

Well, never thought I would see Walmart as a subject of ours, but WOW!!!! Am I laughing.

I need to go there due to finances and mom's meds, etc. Unfortunately between her bad memory and mine it seems I am there at least a couple times a week. Thank goodness it is only a couple of blocks from the house. It is a very difficult venture for me and you can always find me in the check out line sweating like I just ran a 25k marathon, pale, shaking and looking like a deer caught in headlights. My therapist also tells me I need to do this to try to get over this deep seeded fear I have of people, places and things. No place better than Walmart to push your fear buttons. That place and its' people are truly scarey.

But I'm here to tell you if ONE more person stands to close to me in the chekout line, I'm gonna loose it. The last one was so close she could have stepped into my pocket without moving. Boobs in my back is not my idea of a "fun" distraction while waiting in line, especially if I'm not acquainted with their owner!!!!!!!!!!!.

Mother is always asking why I am sweating so much when I get home from that place. So I took her with me one time---I pushed her in her wheelchair---she refuses to ever go again. God people are rude, inconsiderate and just plan ignorate about wheelchair manners.

In closing I would like to see our therapists go to Walmart and survive the trip. Right ? ! ? !