General Death In The Family, And No Help Whatsoever From Husband...

[desperate]

No real question in this, I just needed to vent a bit....

My husband took a trip this weekend to be the best man in the wedding of someone who has been his friend since high school. I couldn't go because of work, but I thought it may do him some good to get away from the stress of his job, the kids, and me.

He's barely spoken to me since then. Tells me every day he's going to call, and then doesn't. Then of course I cave and call HIM, which I probably shouldn't do, and he sounds perfectly indifferent to me.

The day after he left, I got a call that my aunt had died suddenly, so I had to take a 6 hour trip with two small children with almost no notice to go to the funeral. Still no calls, although he knows exactly what happened. When I finally spoke to him today, he casually asked how "the trip" went. I tried to talk to him about how much it hurt me to see my grandparents cry (something I have never seen before, until this weekend) and he says, "Oh, that sucks. Well, I guess I should go - Dinner's ready." I can't help thinking that PTSD gives him an excuse for a lot of things, but that was just blatantly indifferent and insensitive.

This is becoming the norm, but I really thought he would be willing to put forth some effort at least for this particular situation. I'm a hair from leaving him. But the more I think about it, the more I realize that if I do, he will have partial custody of the kids and will ignore them just as he ignores them now. I simply can't pay for a big legal battle for custody. So I'm having trouble deciding (1) if I should leave him at all, or continue to try and work it out, and (2) If the kids would be better off living in a home with a father who pays zero attention to them, or seeing their father on occasion, only to have him ignore them and possibly have an episode where something worse happens. (That hasn't happened yet, but he has had times when I thought he would if he didn't take some time off - and if he has the kids, he can't).

I guess no one can really help with this, because I don't see ANY good solution. (although if anyone does have any advice, I'd be more than willing to take it). I guess, as I said, I just needed to vent. Thanks for listening.

 

[Nicolette]

Thinking of you desperate...the answers will come to you. :Hug_emoticon:

 

[CCurry]

This is so sad, if the picture you've painted is as you say then perhaps the writing is on the wall.

Carmela

 

[2quilt]

I think we are married to the same man.
Mine does not have a full range of emotions, while I have all emotions on the highest volume. I will speak of this in a seperate thread so that I don't hijack yours, but I undesratand how frustrating it is to get no emotional support from someone who claims to love you.

 

[clare]

Hi desperate,

I was wondering how things have gone since your husband's returned? I recently worked on a couple of lists with a family therapist. What I did was write down everything I Need on one sheet, and everything I Want on another. Things that were on both were the non-negotiable "must haves". My husband half heartedly did the same. The idea is that if the relationship is too one sided to last, it will be pretty apparent if the couple can't agree to support each others "must haves". The notion of self sacrificing equalling concern is sometimes way out of line. "The more you suffer, the more you really care" is bad, particularly if you have kids. When my PTSD symptoms render me emotionally unavailable or unstable I know being around my kids is not good. That's when I get away. The kids go to their grandparents or I go to the hospital, usually both because my husband can't handle the kids. I wonder if your husband would be able to give the kids the attention that they deserve if it was only two days a week? Also, what about using a mediator for a separation or divorce? This can sometimes cut the costs considerably and is less confrontational. I have alot of ideas on this subject that may or may not help, feel free to pm me if you think it might help.


Thinking of you,

clare

 

[desperate]

Same old, same old. I did get a halfhearted apology, which I suppose is an improvement. And I've had the same concern about him getting the kids on weekends....or whenever. I do EVERYTHING for them now.....but no one will be there to do that for them when they're with their dad if we do get divorced.

 

[SunnyBrookFarm]

I have no advice (unfortunately) - I'm not a good one to give advice in relationship matters - especially like this. However, our spouses are somewhat similiar. Mine will definately withdraw - especially when things get "tough" - other times, he has withdrawn for his own selfish reasons.

Regardless, just know that I am thinking of you - and am so sorry you are having to deal with this.

 

[ISupportHer]

I too, may not have advice but am thinking of you. I know it is hard when your spouse is just not there, connecting. Just wanted you to know that another person here cares.

 

[Cin]

Mine will definately withdraw - especially when things get "tough" - other times, he has withdrawn for his own selfish reasons.
.

Mine is the same. My grandfather died in January, he was no support at all, in fact, the day of the funeral was the last time he and I spoke. He is on a shut out.

It can't be good when you get used to shut outs, can it? I've just learnt to leave him alone, I send him an email every once in a while letting him know what is happening with me, which, in the past month has been heaps! I just started Uni...

 

[Nicolette]

I don't know but I would be expecting your husband to step up a bit. I just had to go to a family member's funeral yesterday and asked Anthony to go as I told him I needed support. He told me he "doesn't do funerals" due to his military experience which I respect. My response is I need you there for me, not for anyone else, and I don't know what I am going to be like afterward and whether I will be up to driving depending on how upset I am. I organized a hotel room with a big screen TV (Anthony likes that) and a late checkout so he could stay there while I went to the funeral (the Motel were fabulous when I explained the situation and didn't charge any extra for a very late checkout) and he was happy with that.

Sometimes you have to let a PTSD Sufferer be but sometimes you can enable them by doing this and you have to work out the difference. What was happening was very important and very emotional for me so I expect Anthony to step up. I also acknowledge it may mean he is "out of sorts" for awhile when we get back which I was prepared to deal with as the price of having him there but like I said to him " I didn't enter a marriage to be alone and I am there for you when you need me to and I now need you to be there for me". He was a bit cranky but otherwise fabulous considering he didn't want to go.

My advice to those of you in a relationship is that PTSD is something you have to deal with as part of the relationship.....not that PTSD determines the relationship and then life happens. You can change things if they are the wrong way around and PTSD rules....it may take time but if your Sufferer wants a better life and you are both heading in the same direction holding hands it is possible to have a better time. Trust me as I live it!

 

[amethist]

I agree totally with you on this Nicolette.

If I need support, he to finds a way to push the PTSD to one side, until the event is over, then falls down for a while.

Oh and we hold hands a lot, it helps to hold each other up.

Amethist