Deep Memories

[Deleted member 28403]

When I was bullyed the most I would fade away, I just escaped into other worlds.

Due to that I am triggered by associations, anything related with moments when I was forced out of that state while being bullyed. Along with that, giant chunks of my memory are hardnto access (my first 6 grades of school and some smaller chunks of 7th grade). My normally accessible memory is a few few minute long bits with years inbetween.

I don't know what to do, but I have very little experience memory and whenever it comes (ussually at night) I get scared and have wake nightmares.

I'm starting theraphy again in a week and I'm afraid of it because I will have to talk about everything which will give me wake nightmares.

I often lose my conciousness, yesterday while returning home from a work trip to Italy when we passed the border I dissociated and for 15 minutes I inflicted myself pain to return from that state.

When I dissociate I feel like I'm looking at myself from a point about 30 cm behind my head and a bit up. I have less control of my body and when I stand up after that I struggle to stand straight.

 

[shimmerz]

When heavily dissociating like you describe (I go unconscious too) it may be worth your while to reconsider what your therapy entails initially. It sounds like you need less talk and more coping strategies. Your doctor should be able to take you in just a bit and back out again - teaching you new strategies rather than self harm to come out of your dissociative states.

I feel like you should reconsider the talk stuff until you acquire coping skills - and you do have the right to present these ideas to your t if you feel this resonates with you.

 

[Deleted member 28403]

I will be starting theraphy in a week, last few montgs I've been hiding it best I could, but started showing way to much since school started (fights with teachers, parents, everyone; constant depression drops; not being there for 20 minutes when asked about some certain things).

 

[shimmerz]

Oh hon, you are 14! I am sorry, I didn't realize. How impressed I am that you are open to getting the help you need. School is a big stressor for sure. Who found this therapist for you? Can you talk to them do you think about not wanting to get too deep into 'talk' right now?

 

[Deleted member 28403]

Its the more or less only good enough theraphyst in the country.
I will be traveling for 2 hours to the capital every 2 weeks for theraphy at DSS.
Had theraphy there before, but for a shorter time and it was more of a "yep, you are bullyed" thing as proof aganist molesters in my case.

 

[shimmerz]

Jeez @otakujome I have to say I wish I had been able to get therapy at your age. I was begging for it from my parents because I knew I couldn't cope for much longer and didn't understand what was going on. I know that this stuff is hard to talk about but I can't help but feel that the earlier you deal with it the better your younger and older life will be.

It is uncomfortable and sometimes feels impossible and scary as you say but try to keep focused on the changes that will take place through this process. Talk to me whenever you like if you are scared and I will be here for you hon.

So many hugs and so much love
Shimmerz

 

[Deleted member 28403]

Thanks for support, you are a great person.

 

[shimmerz]

Takes one to know one. Reach out when you can and please don't feel you are a bother. I would love to know how you are doing. :hug:

 

[Deleted member 28403]

Thank you so much *cries happily*