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Deleted member 37474
Why can't I just accept that it was rape? I keep slipping back into defending "the monster" in my head. I tell myself that the violent flashbacks aren't real. I tell myself that the holes in the memory are there because nothing happened there. I tell myself that my body responded so he probably assumed I was enjoying it, so it wasn't his fault. I tell my self that the body memory pain in my pelvis, rib cage and neck are figments of my imagination. The only thing that I hold onto in rational thought is the fear. If it wasn't real, why am I terrified every time I try to talk about it. Why can't I talk about it? This is very frustrating.
