Depressed over the fact that I’m not where I wanna be in life - 28 years old

[KathK]

That’s also another thing I have to figure out. I love kids and I love babies to death.
But I also love my freedom and being able to do what I please with what money I make and what I do. My close friend just had a baby and she loves being a mom but she told me she has no me time and is always with baby.

I also enjoy my quiet time and solitude. I know as kids grow older they become very rowdy and loud and idk if I can handle it.

My cousin has been clear since teens that she doesn’t want kids despite social norms. A friend from musical theatre has said she loves being an aunt but doesn’t want her own. I always wanted kids and would’ve had more had I not been single, however I too enjoy my solitude and quiet time, and I’ve always made space for it (at least in relation to motherhood) and my son wasn’t loud and rowdy, he had parks and beaches to explore and exert his energy and quiet time reading or playing with blocks or my mums guitar. I had musical rehearsal I could find a minder for so I put him in a carrier on my back and practiced my dance moves on the stage. Yes he means the world to me, but especially in those earlier years I incorporated him into my life as much as cherishing moments of bonding or silence. It was once he started primary school I became more restricted during term time as I chose not to home school as he was so social, now he’s a teenager I can’t quite leave him alone overnight but otherwise I don’t have to watch him every second, he knows my boundaries and my reasons for certain cyber safety and agrees they’re reasonable so I have to remind him of things like bed, picking up his clothes, but actually him being so much closer to adulthood means I have more time to myself which during a flare I have to deal with and fill my time.

There’s a reason for the saying ‘behind closed doors’, I was ‘raised’ in by then the starts of an affluent suburb with two parents and it was hell despite outward appearances and photos. A school mum seemed great, until we bonded and she fled DV with her kids (at least she got support my mother didn’t from school when disclosed), prior seemed married, mortgage, holidays.

My point is kids are work yes, but don’t assume how a child will be, every child is different and you need to include adult time (ideally without the kid) for mental health amongst other things. The amount they cost depends on your choices, we did clothes swaps a a friend with her youngest son a couple of years older than mine passes on most clothes, plus second hand especially for painting etc, or playing in the garden in nappy or top or nothing depending on age and child (one year we had 4generations at my Nana’s place overseas and despite the 91yr age difference between eldest and youngest she pulled out the metal tub from storage she bathed my mother in, we put it on the deck with an inch or two of water, he was toddler by this point, and we relaxed and shared the moment, and it didn’t cost a cent).
Assumptions, because everyone is different and every child is different, and some people choose not to have children even if they like kids, and all of that is ok

 

[KathK]

Was raised the same way and still everyday in some way or fashion told
“I’m so worried about you, you can’t be making 35K the rest of your life!”
“I’m so worried about you, you have no boyfriend and no marriage proposals”
“You should go outside and hang out with friends more “

My family is a strict Indian family. They have loosened up but still not enough to this day and age.
My cousins are getting married to people outside their race because quite frankly we live in the south and there’s not many Indians here. So I have white and black cousins now.
But for some reason my mom likes to make me feel guilty . Saying she wants an Indian son in law.
My sister is dating an African American man and that’s the first thing she said when my sister told her “But I want an Indian son in law!!!”

I feel guilty everyday. They have really brain washed me into believing I am never enough and to this day they do not let up.
It’s become worse because I have gained weight from lexapro and now they comment on my weight. Not to my face (yes sometimes actually to my face) but my whole family has noticed and said something either behind my back or to my face.
They go on and on about how I haven’t gotten my masters and I need to get my masters.

It just never ends I’m never good enough for them. It’s always been like that. They constantly worry about it too.

Just the other day my grandma started crying because she was worried my sister and I aren’t getting married and cousins in our family are getting married but not us.

South Asian culture is really f*cked up.

I don’t wanna raise my kids with this environment and toxic values and feel like they’re conditionally loved.
I’m 28 years old and if I decide to have a child out of wed lock I will be shunned. It shouldn’t be that way.

it’s a number of cultures. My best friend is a white Jew from a very observant family (eldest of her siblings is Rabbi and 6 or 7 kids), and she fell in love with a Black Sri Lankan, and then when the wedding was booked but a year away she found out she was pregnant. Her husband chose to convert, but her parents went through a struggle initially as he wasn’t a born Jew.
My uncle’s wife was worried about her parents on her divorcing, then partnering with my uncle, then having my baby cousin (she’s only a few years older than my son) and not having a wedding until my cousin was about to start school; her parents are Catholic. They had a hard time with it, especially going against their Caucasian catholic culture, not just faith in their case, but in the end they love their daughter and granddaughter and have let it go.

I had expectations put on me where I might be told I could do anything, but role modelling or underhand comments would try to dictate certain things, and needing perfection at all times and first time round and comparisons, so it wasn’t true acceptance.
I left home and moved to another state for a couple of years, and whilst one can’t run away from trauma and challenges indefinitely, it gave me perspective. I’ve never lived with my parents since and am better for it. Yes juggling rent and utilities on my own wasn’t easy, on a disability pension it’s worse, but my biological family struggles to not make comparisons and accept me for who I am, and so that’s their choice. My mother I got to the point where I was falling apart with her behaviour (I’d already cut ties with my abusive father) and I told her I loved her regardless, but regarding contact with her I needed certain behaviour changes and certain limits on contact, and she initially didn’t listen so despite living 5min walk away at the time I had no contact for over a year, apart from cards on special occasions, and she still struggles with comparisons and pushing her ideals on me, but since I took the stance of I love you whether I see you or not, I won’t tolerate certain behaviours and initially that means even time with your grandson has to be in a public place with myself or your best friend there. Well she’s got her own issues, still won’t ask for therapy type help etc, but she decided she wanted me and my son in her life despite her views on how things should be and what she had previously said.
Are you living in your own place? Regardless if flatting or alone it helped me get perspective and it was enough of a buffer I could work with my therapist and start to discover me and my identity apart from my parents, my Nana always demonstrated unconditional love and acceptance despite being in another country, including what I wanted to do and strategies to cope with things including their behaviour. It’s easier said than done, initially I didn’t have enough funds so I slept in my car or at a couple of safe friends, but share renting was actually great for me and even renting I loved having my own space, still do. Perhaps something to consider

 

[KathK]

This hurts my heart. 💔

Unconditional ❤️ Love. So many parents SAY it, but do they really mean it? Loving unconditionally means loving - accepting- us just as we are. For the beautifully unique individuals we are. That means without noticing, or worrying about or talking about, whether or not there is a desirable person on our arm or the size dress we wearing. It means they don't tell Aunt Beth they noticed our teeth are yellow, they don't like our perfume, or we look terrible in the color red. It means they rejoice because they are so blessed to have us share their lives with them. Someday I want to write a parenting book on how to love - from deepest depths of our heart - our children. 💜

Couldn’t agree more. Mum’s best friend (my aunt effectively) and my Nana demonstrated the unconditional acceptance, and I’ve done my best to emulate and expand/strengthen it with my son, in part because of my parents not doing it and everything being conditional. When my son was entering puberty I’d say something like ‘when you bring someone home, boy, girl, whoever, and want to try things like kissing…’, ok he’s made clear his sexual preferences (heterosexual with an openly Gay GP, and both great guys who cares) and we’ve had clearer conversations as he’s come along, but as example, and he gladly introduced me to his friend who is Transgender knowing I wouldn’t treat him or his friend with anything less than acceptance. My mother asked at the assembly whether the friend was a boy or girl.
On a more common, regardless whether I’ve been well or not mum always comments on my weight, my scars, my greys, and I now have got to the point of if she even tries with my son I cut her off, he’s healthy and if he’s happy who cares what size he is. I wish it wasn’t such a battle though, society doesn’t help in-still unconditional acceptance very well as a value, yet especially as parents it’s important to put our own notions aside for them to discover themselves and know we’re here. I think a lot of people could do with your book 📖

 

[Sideways]

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[Freddyt]

You are worried that you have PTSD and you are not "keeping up with the Jones?"

You are playing life on hard mode. Plus - you are lucky to be working on your PTSD at your age. Imagine finding out in your mid 50's you have had it for 45 years and "Surprise".......

There is hope and things will change......stop letting others decide what you are.

You are you. If you work toward what you want you can have it - on your timetable.

Define your own success........