Depression- Fighting Tactics Encouraging Ed/ Obsession?

[Kintsugi]

So... I've been reading a lot on a site called This is Thin Privilege, and it's been helping me understand my issues more clearly. I have "thin privilege," because I am thin, but--like understanding any privilege--it has been helpful to understand the systemic issues underlying the global (and often one-sided) discussion of food, weight, body, and appearance to better understand my role within that system and how it affects me personally.

However, I think all of this reading about body shame and food issues is really bringing up a lot for me. From Monday morning until today, I plunged into isolation to the point of not even coming here, on the forum, which is like Simon isolation with a capital "I." When I talk to people, I feel like all of my threads are showing. A man commenting on my shoes just, like, out of nowhere churned up all of this crazy crap about my father and how my appearance has always held more value than my health.

Like, when I was anorexic, I just got non-stop compliments all the f*cking time. And then, last year when I saw my parents, I was recovering from a stomach virus that completely ravaged me, and I had been afraid to eat anything but a slice of toast and some soda every day (for fear of vomiting), and my parents knew that, and they would. not. stop. complimenting me. The only person who was worried about me was my sister, whose house I was staying at, because I wasn't eating, and I looked pale and thin.

Anyway, all this shit has really just, like, churned the compost that is my issues with food, and now I feel like if I open my mouth, my problems with body image and food are just going to tumble out of my mouth at random. Like, I can't stop fixating on it. I feel like I'm coming to understand my problems more fully, but as often seems to happen with greater clarity, I am feeling them more presently and in a way that feels raw and fresh.

I stopped tracking my food, but I mostly stopped because there isn't much to track. It isn't really intentional deprivation, either. I'm out of money, so everything I put in my mouth has to be weighed against the length of time I'll rely on those resources before I get paid (next week). It's not really as dramatic as it sounds. Like, I'm not starving. I'm just super aware that I have a small and finite supply of food, so I need to be strategic about what I eat (what will go bad, anyway? How many meals could this make in a pinch?), so it's pointless to track. It's not like I have an excess available and need to be "good."

Which is another thing... the moralizing of food... which has really started to hit home for me. Like, damn, people. Why do we (societally) need to be so f*cking crazy about animalistic basics, you know? :banghead:

 

[theshadowoftheliving]

I haven't read all of the responses ... apologies. my head hurts.

But I just wanted to pop in and say that I totally understand. I'm a recovered/recovering ED person myself. I think the most triggering thing for me in regards to that is actually losing weight. It becomes a drug to get compliments. It becomes a drug to know that I have "accomplished" something. I'm struggling now because I've lost some weight already since being injured over the weekend (because of difficulty eating as a medical result - should resolve soon). It's tipping me into the land of wanting to lose more - and to where you are, it seems.

Historically the best way to stop this pattern? Eat. I just stop being obsessive for a day or two and eat something that tastes really, really good, then let myself eat whatever I want. By day two of letting myself eat whatever I want, I remember how nutrition helps me think clearer and feel better and stay more focused and then it seems like a no-brainer to stick to the eating-things diet. I forget those sorts of benefits when I'm not getting them.

 

[Kintsugi]

Thank you very much for your compassionate solidarity and response, Shadow. :)

 

[Broken Dahlia]

So... I've been reading a lot on a site called This is Thin Privilege, and it's been helping me und...

Wow, this really resonates with me Simply Simon. My husband almost died two years ago. He had cancer and was hospitalized for eight days, I lost 10 pounds. When I saw my mother's family my figure was complimented, even though they knew about his illness; this wasn't healthy weight loss. Just like the other times I've lost weight during a depression, the end justified the means. It hurt knowing what they seem to value most about me is my appearance and that they were sizing me up, literally.

I also have a history of disordered eating. My last therapist wouldn't mention my appearance, good or bad, at all. If I wore a burlap sack or came to therapy in a tiara and ballgown, it was all the same to her. She is a sexual assault counselor now, but she started with eating disorders. Compliments are dangerous for me. I like getting them, then I obsess over them, especially when they stop coming. I feel like I have to try harder to make my appearance perfect or at least pleasing. My pt complimented my hair twice; now when he doesn't I wonder where I went wrong. I also noticed that I cared more about my appearance at therapy after that, I guess because he is paying attention? I have to focus on why I am really there and it has nothing to do with how I look.

When I was younger I got a lot of attention for my appearance, good and bad. After I was raped (the last time), I gained weight on purpose. My boyfriend at the time said it kept happening because I was so pretty. I also bought new clothes, long sleeves, long skirts, anything to cover me up. It sounds like the opposite impulse, but I was still trying to change the way I look in an effort to affect others behavior. Neither way has served me, and ultimately was just a distraction from what really needed work.

Do you think the focus could be shifted- instead of tracking weight loss you could just try new healthy recipes? Challenge your coworkers, make it fun. My next project is making vegan yogurt, just coconut milk and acidophilus, lots of healthy fat. I can't do diets anymore, it becomes my whole world. Your coworkers are older- maybe you can encourage them to update their thinking. Being healthy isn't all celery sticks and deprivation anymore, although I know you know that. Good luck and take care, Simply Simon.

 

[theshadowoftheliving]

I hope that things get better for you, @Simply Simon. For me, losing weight is always mired in meaning, too, so maybe the urge to lose weight is hiding something important.

Like .... If I get skinny no one will be attracted to me.

If I get skinny, I'll look as broken as I feel and people will notice and take care of me.

If I am overweight no one will want to have sex with me (I vacillate between this one and the first one - being at a healthy weight and garnering sexual attention is really, really hard for me).

If I look strong no one will mess with me.

Etc etc.

 

[jaccat]

I've spent most of my life having an unhealthy relationship with food. I'm not sure I can be a huge amount of help but I get it. I didn't really get a handle on my eating until I was in my mid twenties, and I did it through learning to love food. Hard to explain. I knew how to cook, but it wasn't until I started to let myself explore and play with foods that I started to get over my issues with it. You state that you create a lot of meals and know their calorific content- would it be possible to shift those meals to something just slightly more filling, perhaps creating a plan in advance? I don't know if that would help at all.

I find I have very little understanding of what my body needs. I have, until recently, studiously avoiding learning about nutrition, calories etc. because I feared it was a slippery slope that could lead to danger in my case. I never weighed myself. But instead I found myself completely clueless as to what my body needed. I now track my food intake with an app, but I stick to what it tells me I need.

Something I thought of that may or may not be relevant. A guy at work recently joined a dieting group to support his mother, who wished to lose weight. He was not overweight by any means, but has lost several pounds in just a few months, and is continuing with the diet. Just a couple of days ago I heard a couple of managers commenting over how he no longer looks thin, he looks ill, and how worried they were for his health.

 

[Ellabella44]

Totally was slapping my head when you said your parents kept complimenting you. wtf? cant they see you have recently been sick and that you were alot thinner than before?

Really this obsession with being thin in society is out of control. Gain weight and you are fat shamed by those same people.

 

[Kintsugi]

After I was raped (the last time), I gained weight on purpose. My boyfriend at the time said it kept happening because I was so pretty.

What a despicable sentiment.

I also bought new clothes, long sleeves, long skirts, anything to cover me up. It sounds like the opposite impulse, but I was still trying to change the way I look in an effort to affect others behavior. Neither way has served me, and ultimately was just a distraction from what really needed work.

I did (and still do) the same thing much of the time. I used to think, as well, when I was anorexic, that if I lost enough weight, I may appear boyish. I have a large chest, and I was obsessed with looking rail-thin, androgynous. It never happened. I still just wore the same XL men's clothes, hoping they would swallow me up.

If I get skinny, I'll look as broken as I feel and people will notice and take care of me.

Yes. Yes yes yes yes yes yes.

My fondest memory of my mother was her praising me for eating a whole bowl of soup and a sandwich.

All my life, I was always told to eat less. Not only that, but my abuser sort of enters the situation, because my brother was a tall kid, and my mother always let him eat whatever he wanted, fed him constantly, and she would make him whatever he wanted. She was always telling me I couldn't have what he had. She also didn't cook for me. I learned to cook at a very early age and cooked for myself (and, almost daily, him too).

Part of starving myself came from necessity. My parents were not accustomed to making meals for me or ensuring I ate, because I always fed myself, and when I had a complete PTSD breakdown and suddenly became incapable of interacting with my brother, I would just sequester myself in my room until I could leave the house. I only ate when I was at school or at my boyfriend's house.

I refused to leave my room if there was even a chance of my brother being or coming home, so in the morning, before I left for school, my father would bring me a cup of coffee. After about a month of this, he asked me if he could get me anything else.

"No," I said. "I just don't eat anymore." And then, suddenly full of rage, I threw something at my window and said, "I just don't eat anymore."

Still, they were not concerned about my eating until nearly a year later. I've always thought that they were able to simply do mental gymnastics, rationalizing that I was eating a restrictive diet (macrobiotic) and that I worked and spent all of my time at a rock climbing gym. Which, really, the gym part is a bit funny. Even at my heaviest, I was at the gym almost every night, even when I broke my foot and wasn't supposed to be there. I would just hang out, do all of the floor exercises, and I'd climb across the wall when no one was around but my dearly beloved instructors. It isn't as if it was a new thing for me to be highly active. Plus, the above comment to my father should have at least rang an alarm bell somewhere in his head. Right? But no. My father possesses no such alarm bell.

It really makes me angry that my mother was the one to discover that my younger cousin was anorexic. They, like, never see my cousins. But my mother offered her some grapes, and she noticed that my cousin only took two. And then she started questioning her. It came out, somehow, that my cousin had stopped getting her period, and then the cavalry was called, as it were, and she wound up getting inpatient treatment.

Following that, my parents were extremely careful about talking to my cousin. They wouldn't mention appearance or food at all. No, "You look good," or "You want another slice of cake?" for her. In spite of this, when I saw them last year after my stomach virus, my cousin's father was there. It had been probably under a year since my cousin's recovery. My parents knew I was sick. I called my mother earlier in the week, in the throes of my illness, sobbing hysterically because I couldn't keep down two ounces of water without throwing up ten minutes later. But no, the first thing I hear? "You look great!" "Simon, your stomach is completely gone."

I kept saying, "I was sick. I haven't eaten anything but toast for five days."

But it just kept on. Right there, with my anorexic cousin's father at the table. I mean, for the love of god.

But no. Simon does not get babied. Simon does not receive any special considerations. Simon was a chubby girl for a total of a year, during puberty, so Simon needs to watch herself. She is the prodigal child, not to be forgiven for missteps, transgressions, or plain old human flaws. She is to be perfect. Simon needs to be perfection.

 

[Ellabella44]

hugs. I hate that you have those last few sentences. Its how mine made me feel exactly and nobody should go through that kind of a mind trip.

 

[Shiver]

:hug:

I'm recovering from an ED as well.. I went inpatient for 6 months about 2 years ago and that really helped me to figure out what I wanted to do. But it's hard, it's something that pulls and doesn't easily let go. Maybe you could make a list of all the things you can do when you're not focusing on food all the time? Kinda helped me... Thinks like: having dinner with friends, going to the mall, ... Only positives...

I wish you the best of luck :)

 

[Mit]

@Simply Simon It was strange reading your reference to rock climbing. I started rock climbing and caving in my teens and quickly became obsessed with it, and good at it. I travelled the world climbing and caving. I was rubbish at sports at school so I used my small stature to excel at these hobbies to make up for it. I was always the last kid to be picked for football, rugby, cricket at school.

I'm a short man (a whole other issue there for me....) and quite lean and other climbers often expressed their envy at how light I was. Nerves and excitement would cause me rapid bowel movements prior to doing a hard or dangerous climb thst sapped my confidence, so I found climbing on an empty stomach better.

I ended up never eating breakfast or lunch and limiting my food intake to keep my weight down. I've never been able to break this habit and am in my 50s now. I think it's fair to say I still have issues about my weight and size generally. My family and doctors do express concerns about my weight and diet but it's been like this for 30 years now. Currently I weigh about 112lbs and am at the very bottom of the bmi range. I sometimes go lower and am be quite happy to.

It would also be true to say I've had body dysmorphia issues since I was a teenager, from childhood experiences which have fed into this pattern of behaviour. But I've never considered myself to have an ED. (Eating disorder. The other ED, erectile dysfunction, oh yea I have that in spades!! Thanks @Lionheart777 make me laugh).

Didn't mean to hog the thread, it was just the rock climbing reference that made me connect with your own battles. Best wishes.