I'm Back/circling The Drain/need Encouragement

[GrahamCracker]

*Feel free to move this is it's in the wrong place. Lots of stuff going on.*

Hi all, it's been a while. This is a long on, so hang with me. I have been working through a lot of things. I got a BAD health diagnosis. I have a genetic disorder which puts me at high risk for colon and endometrial cancer (about 40% and 60% chance).

It has been so hard and triggering to do the screening for that, since it's primarily a GYN concern. I've decided during the process that I would like to get a prophylactic hysterectomy. Despite being in my late 20s and having no kids, I have had a lot of medical support for this so I am not too worried about there being much back and forth over it. I have not met with the GYN oncologist, who would likely be doing that surgery...16 more days until that appointment and I am very nervous.

I've have continued to take the Zoloft I started a few months ago. Overall, it have been very helpful and has pretty much eliminated my chronic pain (which I believe is PTSD related) it helps with my mood as well. The only unfortunate thing is that is has revealed some low-level bipolar issues. I got hypomanic a couple times so we are working on a mood stabilizer for that. I tried lithium and it was a definite NO. Trying lamictal now and I am much happier with it so far.

I have been having some severe depression over the weekend about the potential hysterectomy. I don't want kids, really. I don't feel I would be a fit parent due to my emotional issues. I need peace and quiet and down time to function. I have expressed to a couple of people (my supervisors, since they had to know I would be out for a month) that I am okay with the hysterectomy and don't want kids. They reacted with "you'll change your mind" "it's different when they are your own" etc., etc.

Please know that I am not criticizing anyone else's decisions when I say this, but I grew up with two parents who are mentally ill. One abandoned me and the other was emotionally absent. I know what it's like. The other factor here is that I have a 50% chance of passing my genetic disorder on and that would bother me. I don't want anyone to have to go through all the screening and anxiety.

The reality is...I can't talk about this in certain environments. Work, for example. "I can't have kids because I am crazy and can't handle it" is not going to reflect well in a corporate environment.

So...It's a constant battle. I am going to start telling people that I can't have children instead of don't want them and see what that does. The reality of the situation is that I would not have them even if I did want them due to the factors I listed above.

It's very hard for my feelings on this to be dismissed by the "you'll want them later" "so and so said that too and now they have X kids and love it" crowd. This isn't about desire. It's about reality. It's hurtful to hear these things because I can't defend myself in certain environments.

The other issue recently is that my job has continually been a struggle. Trying to get used to the meds, juggling the anxiety about the new diagnosis, and dealing with some challenging interpersonal things at work is making me beyond depressed.

I've considered killing myself more times than I can count in the last few weeks. It's getting so hard. I am most definitely circling the drain at my place of employment (PTSD triggers WAY bad right now) and I do see a termination on the horizon. I feel like I have failed at everything: never graduated college, can't hold on to a job that is really good at the end of the day, can't stay well for any meaningful amount of time. Fail. Fail. Fail.

I think I just need some encouragement right now. Please tell me that someone has hit rock bottom before and that things will change and get better if I lose my job. I just don't feel so positive right now. Scared.

 

[franciemarnie]

I hit rock bottom at every level once - mentally, emotionally, physically, job wise, etc. I was sure long term commitment would be my only future. Wrong!

Hold on. Just put one foot in front of the other for now. You have SO much going on at the moment. It's overwhelming. Keep yourself safe and do 100% self comfort. Stay in the day. Forget the long term future except if you must make a decision in real time. Just do the next right thing. This will pass.

I came up from my bottom like you wouldn't believe, like a dream. Just hold on and take care of yourself. Feel what you feel but "when you are going thru hell, keep going". (Partial Churchill quote there.)

But if you feel suicidal, please please call a suicide help line or your T.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

@GrahamCracker It's your choice if you want kids or not. I actually started a thread about that over a year ago and listed pretty much your reasons for not having kids. I don't want any children either. I don't think I am mentally healthy enough to take care of children and I wont repeat what my mother did to me (neglect) and I don't want to pass down my genetic faults to my children.

And yes, I also get a lot of 'well in a few years you will probably change your mind' and that often leaves me feeling like my feelings have been ignored or my reasons are invalid.

I am very sorry you are feeling so depressed. Things get very black and white when depressed. Do you have any support (therapist, friends)?

Take care.

 

[GrahamCracker]

@Ayesha Yes, I have a therapist that I see weekly and a really attentive psychiatrist. I don't have so many friends right now since I got eaten by my job over the past few years. As it turns out, this line of work may not be for me. I hope I can find something else. My mother will let me move back in, so luckily my housing situation is not that dire, but I like being on my own so that is depressing as well. My mother was the one who was emotionally absent, but things have improved. We still have a hard time relating to each other, so I am just not thrilled about it.

@franciemarnie Thank you so much for your kind words. The Churchill quote is great. We should start a thread of encouraging quotes (I bet it's been done). I am not suicidal right at this moment. It comes and goes. I will call my therapist if it starts looking really bad.

 

[franciemarnie]

I am so glad you have a T and attentive psychiatrist. That would be tough to move back in but see what happens. Having a job that isn't right really can undermine your sense of well being.

I love good quotes too. Churchill did a lot of good ones.

My fav is simple. Never, never, never give up.

A funny one is We are all worms. But I do believe I am a glow worm.

 

[Britt.f7]

I think that is a normal reaction from people for a variety of reasons, regarding children. For one it is not the "norm" to admit to. But, I'll tell you this, when I was pregnant with my second child, even though I planned him, I thought for a second that I did not want him. Okay it was more then a second. I don't regret him now, but, at that time, there was a question about it. Perhaps when you mention what you did it hits a nerve with other people.

I have two friends who didn't want children. One ended up not being able to, still she doesn't want to go into that, so she just tells people she doesn't plan on having any. Another friend has decided children are not for her. From what I know of her she has a healthy relationship with her family. She just doesn't want any.

I find nothing wrong with either of these women, nor with you. You don't have to give reasons, even if people become curious. You can just say genetic reasons if you feel compelled. When it boils down to it, it is no ones business.

I have had many issues with work and school. Right now I am on disability, but not for PTSD. I feel like a failure often because of all this. You are going through some intense issues right now. It does and can get better. I wish you strength.

 

[GrahamCracker]

@Britt.f7 I have never wanted children so I think it is hard for me to understand the kind of reactions I get. Even before I got this diagnosis I had trouble with that. Like I said in my post, I think I have now realized that it's more of a "can't have" than "don't want". I recognize and am open to the idea that, even though I don't want them now, that could change. I believe I still wouldn't choose to have them even if I got to that point.

I think that, since I am going to have this surgery because it does greatly reduce my cancer risk and is medically indicated for my genetic mutation, I am beginning to grieve. I don't think it has so much to do with not being able to have children, but the fact that I am losing the chance to experience the process of maybe eventually wanting to have children organically, even if it's not something I would do in actuality. I have to feel my feelings knowing that the control has been taken away from me.

I'm not sure that makes sense. I'm a bit loopy since I stayed home sick today and have a couple of my emergency anxiety meds on board.:O_o:

 

[Britt.f7]

When my mom had her medically needed hysterectomy she wasn't at the age where she was planning on more children. However, she grieved it. It was part of, in her mind, what made her a woman. It is still a part of you.

I wasn't sure I was going to have children, until I met a guy I could see me having children with. It was a long process. I still don't see anything wrong with people who choose not to. I know my sister had a hard time with me thinking like that because she always imagined having children. It seemed odd to her that I didn't.

I think you make sense. But that could just be my loopy mind. ;)

 

[Marf]

I am sorry everything is a struggle right now. The general public does not understand your fears/lack of desire for kids, but I sure do. It seems like many of us here do, which is the beauty of this forum.

I challenge you to when you feel like you have failed, failed, failed to identify what you have failed at specifically. Again society's standards may not apply to you.

I work VERY HARD on my therapy, marriage, and parenting. Anyone that thinks that I am a failure does not know me and my past. "They" can think what they want . . .

Good luck with everything. "All we have to do is live and die". Try not to add extra stress.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

There is nothing wrong with not wanting children! I feel very much the same way that you do, although I do not have the same physical ailments. It is hard to deal with those who simply do not understand. They are blind to our daily struggles and can't see that our disorder (PTSD) requires a higher level of self care. This higher level of self care doesn't necessarily mesh well with raising a child where the parent must often put their own needs on the back burner in order to care for another. I'm not saying that we're selfish----in fact, quite the opposite. I think it is incredibly self-less to be able to admit that you wouldn't be the best parent because of your emotional issues. Heck, just read a few stories on the forum and you'll realize that there are a lot of parents out there who should have reconsidered having kids in the first place.

I am the same in that I know I wouldn't be the best parent because of my own emotional issues. I grew up with a mother who was so depressed that she drank or slept most of the day away. I don't drink, but I wouldn't want to be a "checked out" parent who couldn't attend to all of my child's emotional needs. And the truth of the matter is that I do in fact numb out to the world when I get overwhelmed with anxiety. I can just see it now...I'd be overwhelmed from 3 hours after arriving home from the hospital until age 18... But all kidding aside...

I think it's incredibly rude of people to say "you'll change your mind one day" or "its different when you have your own kids". It is dismissive of your feelings, as if to say you don't know what you're talking about. Simplistic comparison.... You're afraid of heights and don't want to go skydiving. Isn't it a bit ridiculous for someone to tell you that you'll love it once you actually jump out of that plane for yourself? Oh, that height thing? It's nothing! No, we know ourselves well enough to be able to determine what is best for us. And to be honest I want to smack people for treating kids like they are experiments----"just try it, I know you'll like it" as if kids are a new flavor of ice cream. Sometimes I think I love my non-existent kids more than a lot of people love their actual kids. At least I know I put a lot more thought into them!

I also struggle with the work issue... I have been on disability for the last 4 years. I am a heck of a lot better than I was when I first got on disability, but I still struggle with a lot of issues and I am not able to work. Things improve, but slowly. I really stress over finances and such, and question what my career prospectives may be. I'm taking classes again, but not sure where it will lead, if anywhere. I oftentimes feel hopeless about my future. :( You're not alone.