The honest answer? I'm not sure. I don't really want a job because I don't give a shit about capitalism. All the jobs I'm qualified for are useless and bullshit. I get a lot more out of volunteering. I used to feel bad about myself because I'm unemployable and our society says that means I'm worthless. But there is a reality there that I don't currently have any form of income. & that sux.Do *you* want those things?
Or do you want those things because society tells you should want those things?
The social component? I... see what I'm missing. I look around me and all of my friends have families, or they have careers, or they are in school (this is something I'd like to do but I am too poor and I don't have my high school). Or they have other friends. In real life. I just don't... have any connections like that.
Humans are social animals, but I'm so messed up, this fundamental part of me just doesn't exist in the same way as it does for others. I'll never have a partner, I'll never have children, I'll never be able to be intimate normally, and I think it would be nice to have a family someday but I don't see how that could ever happen.
Ugh, and I know this is real incel shit but that's not really what I mean. But I more mean like the emotional component of a partnership, with another person/s. I'm just kinda broken. I don't see where I could ever have a family and be like a provider or offer something to another person. Like my ex was a great guy but I couldn't... I dunno. I dunno wtf I'm talking about.
Bc it's not even really that either like, "I'll never have a romantic partner and that's the problem!" It's more just an example of the problem. Like, that my ability to have ordinary human connections even on a surface level is incredibly damaged and I'm very isolated and lonely. I'm alone, I'm disabled, I'm dependent. And I don't know how to make friends or be a person with all of this heavy slog of stuff in my background, because people know there is stuff off about me because I don't know how to relate to people.
And I don't want to trauma dump on strangers, but everyone knows that I'm not right because I don't know how to answer basic, simple questions about myself. But then no one understands me and I can't make connections with people. A big part of the RD program was about community reintegration and they had a lot of outings and we went places and did things and got involved with the locals.
Bc they say that's the most important part bc this stuff tears u away from ur community and from ur humanity and healing that means coming back to human connection. Idk, but thank you for your comment! I really appreciate it & is given me a lot to think about. I'm really sorry that you as well struggle with that feeling of isolation but it's good that many days you can say f*ck it and stay true to yourself! That's the most important thing.