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Complete interpersonal regression

Honeyadger

New Here
About two days ago I had a rapid intensification of flashbacks related to my original trauma, and along with that comes anxiety/hypervigalance, emotional swings, and prety much all of it. I went to the doctor yesterday for blood work and my BP was 140/100. But for some reason this time I shattered all my boundaries with unhealthy people and people who I have limited contact boundaries.

Texted two ex girlfriends, both of whom are not very healthy. Blew up my brothers phone, which is not inherently bad, but I dumped everyting on him including a traumtic memory he had forgotten about our father putting hands on him while I was watching, told him about my child "S" abuse for the first time, and hundreds of words about how neglecful our parents were but that he would never understand or believe me because it did not effect him as much.

Worst of all, I texted my parents (who I've been complete no contact with) in a crypic way just saying terms like "emotional neglence, emotional in**st, and the abuse mentioned above", I also sent them a picture of some cuts and just said "evidence". I was very angry, and even talked to the on call clinican at the IOP program I'm at saying that my intention was to text them just so they suffer. They have access to a thearpist at the program that I'm going to see later, so I'll probably hear someting.

I'm not sure if I'm not feeing any guilt or if I'm just shoving it down. I feel emarassed, and a bit angry at myself, for everything but what I said to my parents. It's very easy for me to justify extreme hatred and almost a sadistic impulse towards them when the symptoms get severe. I was wondering if anyone has experience with this, and has developed some ways to interevene within themseves so that you don't send those messages. Talking to the thearpists helps, but most times I still end up doing it anyway. I could really use some help here. Thanks!

(My clinicans are aware of all this including the cutting)
 
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