Depression Keeps Coming Back

[bon]

I was diagnosed with ptsd in 2009 after i left my then husband. I went through therapy and very slowly got better. It took about 3 years. I then found sport really helped me feel better so got really fit by joining my local triathlon club and built up to doing an ironman triathlon last year, which was probably the best day of my life. I'm currently trying to train for my second ironman but this persistant depression won't lift and i just feel so isolated and disconnected from everyone. I don't have a supportive family and feel so wrong. I really want to give up and just put myself out of this misery but i have a 9 year old son who i know needs me so i have to try to stay and somehow figure out how to tolerate this horrible pain. I don't know how to do that though. I try to do everything I've been told to do like eat right, exercise, sleep (has been tough lately) don't drink or drug etc. But it's not working.

 

[Seasounds]

Welcome! You are being very conscientious, and doing so much for yourself and, thereby, for your son.

When you described the return of depression, I remembered when a similar thing happened with me, after I thought I had thoroughly taken care of the depression in therapy. With the depression reoccurrence, since it wasn't relieved by what I did the first time to help it (regular exercise) I eventually entered therapy, and learned that depression can show up, repeatedly. In the revisiting of depression that I did, I addressed a different layer of the main issue. It really helped.

Who knows why? As you know, cycles of life, memories subconsciously triggered, children growing up, hormones, seasons, missing or having new supports, all can be a part of depression showing up again. Any new activities, yearnings, or reflections related to the past?

All I can tell, is that you are courageous, and smart. I'm so glad you wrote, putting words o a process that I have known. And I hope that you make inroads to relieving your depression.

 

[bon]

Thank you for your kind words Saetva. I think it's stemming from a rough time I had at christmas when I realised my family don't care about me. I just have to accept it but it just hurts so much knowing that you are unloved. And now that I am a mother I don't understand how you could not love your child.

 

[anthony]

I think it's stemming from a rough time I had at christmas when I realised my family don't care about me.

Is the when your depression began, shortly after?

 

[bon]

I think so Anthony. But i think it's been creeping back over the last year. Then after christmas it came back in full force

 

[anthony]

How so over the past year?

 

[bon]

I've been less and less content and gradually my moods have been down more than they had been the previous few years.

Also I haven't been copying with everyday life stressors as well as I'd like.

I don't know how the depression got me again coz I'm always so vigilant and make sure I'm doing what i know will keep depression away.

 

[anthony]

In relation to your triathlon, would you say your depression started creeping up on you before or after you did it?

 

[bon]

Before

 

[anthony]

Do you sacrifice time to train?

 

[anthony]

As a person who also loves fitness, there is actually too much of a good thing. If fitness is your life, your job, you're paid to do it, then time is factored so you have no additional stress. You literally only get the benefits of fitness.

When you're training outside of work, raising kids, or anything else you have to fit into your day, then suddenly your sacrificing time for your fitness, for your goal.

The good that is coming from exercise is being negated by the additional stress you're adding into your internal cup -- this is what creates depression. You're literally undoing the good from exercise now because you've taken it to an obsessive level to achieve a further goal, sacrificing other things in your life that are now compounding, one after the other, eating away at you. Desires, other dreams, wishes, things you just want to do but don't have the time due to training.

Whilst I would say it's a choice, it seems that in your case, maybe your unconscious has already made the choice and its now waiting for your conscious to catchup. If you're sacrificing wants and needs to achieve this triathlon goal, that is the most likely source of why depression is creeping back.

PTSD requires balance. Too much, not enough, you get the same negative outcome.

Purely food for thought as I'm heading off for the night.

 

[bon]

Thanks Anthony. Night.