dissociative amnesia: i think it’s coming back

[brokenpony]

Can you write it out, not to send now but just to get it all out and away from swirling round your head? Or draw it, scribble it (I like playdough, making it then squishing it) small world stuff and take photos to explain in session if it helps? Anything to try and get the vile stuff 'out'.

I'm glad T is supportive

oh maybe i will buy some playdough tomorrow, that sounds nice. drawing too. i feel icky like full of slime.

 

[Midnightmoon]

oh maybe i will buy some playdough tomorrow, that sounds nice. drawing too. i feel icky like full of slime.

Understand the slime thing, I used to tell old T I felt like tar that was sticking onto everything 'nice' and ruining it. Horrible place to be in your head. Playdough is lovely to fidgit with. Hope you are able to get a bit of rest

 

[brokenpony]

i’m not gonna make a new post for this, but this is an unfolding situation:

does anyone have flashbacks that last hours? i feel like this is happening to me. i was in bed for 3 hours waiting for the tactile sensations and (inside brain only) images to stop and they didn’t.

they are not one event but clearly many different instances and they vary during the time and sometimes kind of overlap. they are getting more and more vivid as time goes on. these longer episodes have been happening more and more.

the thing is that i feel like i have to pay attention to them. it feels like a duty. like i have to lie down and experience them. and the pain. then i feel paralyzed. it is hard to explain.

edit: forgot to mention that eventually i pulled myself out of bed and went for a walk, sat by the river for awhile…. but now i’m home again and i feel like it’s starting up again. i don’t know what to do. i’m nauseated.

 

[Sideways]

it feels like a duty. like i have to lie down and experience them.

Can I ask, who do you owe this duty to? You don’t need to answer if you don’t want.

I have some activities that help me zone out when my grounding go-to’s aren’t working. Gardening if I can physically bring myself to (get my hands dirty, the physicality of it…and it’s super grounding…I went through a period where I’d offer to weed for my neighbours!) or doing large jigsaws when I can’t muster that up. I can lose myself in a jigsaw for hours.

 

[brokenpony]

Can I ask, who do you owe this duty to? You don’t need to answer if you don’t want.

I have some activities that help me zone out when my grounding go-to’s aren’t working. Gardening if I can physically bring myself to (get my hands dirty, the physicality of it…and it’s super grounding…I went through a period where I’d offer to weed for my neighbours!) or doing large jigsaws when I can’t muster that up. I can lose myself in a jigsaw for hours.

i'm not completely sure. at times it feels like a re-enactment of the trauma, like being a good girl and lying down for it. and then i freeze there. but i also feel like... in therapy i said to my parts that i would like to know what happened to them, and what they felt, and if that's what is happening then i don't want to reject it? it feels like some barrier is gradually breaking down.

gardening sounds very grounding. i usually go for walks right now. i've also been playing a video game (Dredge) that was helping me a bit, but today i just couldn't really get up after lying down, so i think if i lie down then i'm going to be stuck in it. so tomorrow maybe i'll just try to keep moving around and do my work outside the house. just try harder not to lie down until bedtime.

 

[Friday]

i’m not gonna make a new post for this, but this is an unfolding situation:

does anyone have flashbacks that last hours? i feel like this is happening to me. i was in bed for 3 hours waiting for the tactile sensations and (inside brain only) images to stop and they didn’t.

they are not one event but clearly many different instances and they vary during the time and sometimes kind of overlap. they are getting more and more vivid as time goes on. these longer episodes have been happening more and more.

the thing is that i feel like i have to pay attention to them. it feels like a duty. like i have to lie down and experience them. and the pain. then i feel paralyzed. it is hard to explain.

edit: forgot to mention that eventually i pulled myself out of bed and went for a walk, sat by the river for awhile…. but now i’m home again and i feel like it’s starting up again. i don’t know what to do. i’m nauseated.

Single & double sense flashbacks, for me, can last daaaaaays. Fully immersive ones -nightmares whilst awake- rarely last for more than a fraction of a second… but I’ve had a few gnarly ones where 2 realities are overlaid on top of each other for up to several minutes.

The “worlds collide” thing where I’m fully living in 2 realities at once? I can rarely do more than stand or lay down perfectly still. Or I’d get hit by a car, on a 6 lane highway, whilst running through the forest. The ONLY time I managed to operate in both worlds at the same time? Was when I was chasing after my kid. Whilst (not) being shot at, high stepping trip wires, and flinching from explosions (that were not happening). He was my “target”. I HAD to get to him. So realities blurred enough for me to be able to do so. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯