dissociative amnesia: i think it’s coming back

[brokenpony]

i made a trauma diary about this, but basically it feels like some big stuff from childhood is coming into awareness. it’s been years coming, and now it feels clearer and more real what actually happened. i’m at a loss because i feel so crazy and overwhelmed by what is happening to me. i could never tell anyone irl except my therapist. has anyone experienced this? where you just didn’t ‘remember’ until you were middle-aged? i’m 40 years old. i feel like i can’t do this.

 

[Movingforward10]

Yep.
first time started coming out for me in 20s. Through dreams.
and then I put it away until I was 41.
and then in then more came out during therapy.


it’s a crazy making process. Lots of confusion and doubt and instability and no containment. But…..it gets better. This is the really hard bit.

 

[brokenpony]

Yep.
first time started coming out for me in 20s. Through dreams.
and then I put it away until I was 41.
and then in then more came out during therapy.


it’s a crazy making process. Lots of confusion and doubt and instability and no containment. But…..it gets better. This is the really hard bit.

thanks for responding. i’m sorry it happened to you. i want to deal with it. i know i have to because i have seen perpetually avoided childhood trauma actually slowly kill members of my family (both abused by this same person, actually). but it is crazy-making and i am already so tired out from everything else. i’ve noticed that since this experience has intensified i’ve just become really prone to lying around staring at the ceiling.

 

[Movingforward10]

thanks for responding. i’m sorry it happened to you. i want to deal with it. i know i have to because i have seen perpetually avoided childhood trauma actually slowly kill members of my family (both abused by this same person, actually). but it is crazy-making and i am already so tired out from everything else. i’ve noticed that since this experience has intensified i’ve just become really prone to lying around staring at the ceiling.

You are dealing with it. Coming on here, exploring it, thinking about it, reflecting, seeing how it is impacting you, is all part of the (long, unfortunately) journey of dealing with it.


Totally and utterly understandable that it's resulted in you staring at the ceiling. Your mind and body are processing trauma that has lay, deeply buried for decades. Stillness comes with that. In the sense that, if you just ran a marathon, your body would be exhausted. This is similar. It takes a lot out of you. Which is really hard to accept. Doing things the way you did before night be hard for a bit. This is where "being kind to yourself" kicks in (which, if you are anything like I was, that phrase just holds no meaning! But I learnt what it meant now .....)


Have you told your therapist?

 

[brokenpony]

You are dealing with it. Coming on here, exploring it, thinking about it, reflecting, seeing how it is impacting you, is all part of the (long, unfortunately) journey of dealing with it.


Totally and utterly understandable that it's resulted in you staring at the ceiling. Your mind and body are processing trauma that has lay, deeply buried for decades. Stillness comes with that. In the sense that, if you just ran a marathon, your body would be exhausted. This is similar. It takes a lot out of you. Which is really hard to accept. Doing things the way you did before night be hard for a bit. This is where "being kind to yourself" kicks in (which, if you are anything like I was, that phrase just holds no meaning! But I learnt what it meant now .....)


Have you told your therapist?

thanks. it feels a lot as you describe. the fatigue is noticeable because i’m usually very restless and trapped, don’t like staying in bed too long, hate even staying home too much because i get cabin fever, so i always keep moving. or working. i just always have to “get out.” but all of a sudden i constantly want to just lie down in my bed and not move. i didn’t connect that at first.

i have never been able to be kind or gentle with myself either. no matter what happens to me, i seem to expect myself to keep going and not be affected by it. it’s not fair i know. i’m glad you were able to learn it. gives hope for me.

i have told my therapist, and it’s mostly been me just saying that i’m crazy and her saying i’m not. outside of therapy i have trouble remembering what she says but i know she’s supportive.

 

[Movingforward10]

i’m usually very restless and trapped, don’t like staying in bed too long, hate even staying home too much because i get cabin fever, so i always keep moving. or working. i just always have to “get out.” but all of a sudden i constantly want to just lie down in my bed and not move. i didn’t connect that at first.

I was like that too. Couldn't spend a day indoors the cabin fever would hit hard (which was , I think, depression). I see this now as a running away from myself. And the past coming out makes you stop being able to do that.

i have never been able to be kind or gentle with myself either.

Yeah, it's a hard thing to know what that is and what it feels like and what it looks like. Acceptance about yourself I think really helped me understand this.

outside of therapy i have trouble remembering what she says but i know she’s supportive.

I would not be able to hold T's words too. Sometimes it's overwhelming or the words don't stick. But it's great that you have the felt sense of her. That's massive actually.

 

[Midnightmoon]

No wise words @brokenpony but hearing you and sending you gentle care. It's really, really shitty

 

[brokenpony]

this is so bad. really bad. i can’t believe this is happening and happened to me. my skin is crawling. it could have been hundreds of times.

 

[brokenpony]

i have had phantom sensations (“somatic flashbacks”) in the past but not like this and i can’t describe how disturbing it is to feel a sex act i have never done. (and then see it. and who.) my therapist assures me i’m not psychotic but i feel so truly crazy.

 

[Midnightmoon]

Oh love
You are not crazy. Hurting and overwhelmed and frightened, but not crazy.
Where is T with you in this at the min?

 

[brokenpony]

Oh love
You are not crazy. Hurting and overwhelmed and frightened, but not crazy.
Where is T with you in this at the min?

it is late here so she is asleep. she is trying to help. but i’m still in this liminal place between believing and disbelieving.

 

[Midnightmoon]

it is late here so she is asleep. she is trying to help. but i’m still in this liminal place between believing and disbelieving.

Can you write it out, not to send now but just to get it all out and away from swirling round your head? Or draw it, scribble it (I like playdough, making it then squishing it) small world stuff and take photos to explain in session if it helps? Anything to try and get the vile stuff 'out'.

I'm glad T is supportive