Derealization In Therapy?

[Deleted member 35429]

This is my first post here. A little background....I've been seeing a therapist because of PTSD from violent abuse when I was an adolescent...I had Stockholm syndrome for this man, and felt very brainwashed, lots of strange violent terrifying details coming up. It's been 20 yrs.

I'm realizing now that the man that did this seemed like a robot/sub-human to me probably because I was dissociating regularly at the time. Definitely had out of body experiences back then. Since I got away from him I have always thought he wasn't really a human and this was some bizarre supernatural relationship that is incomprehensible to others.

To get to my question, I'm finding that in therapy I get this experience where my therapist seems suddenly completely different. He turns into a stranger and also he seems to act strange. He seems to be very cold and indifferent to me as though he has shut off from me. This happens as we start to discuss the abuse. At first I was thinking he couldn't handle the gruesome details but he has assured me that's not true.
When I discuss this with him he keeps saying this is transference (the predator was psychopathic and he did turn off and become someone else... )This 'transference' problem in therapy has been going on in a cyclical pattern for 7 months. The experience feels so bizarre like I'm hallucinating but it's also the most emotional I've ever been. I spend days in distress after these sessions. Then we talk about it for a session and I feel better. Then the next session when we start to discuss abuse again my therapist seems completely different and strange again. Each time I'm just shocked that he would change so abruptly. I feel like I need a therapy session for my therapy sessions cause this is so strange and overwhelming.

Anyone else experience derealization specifically toward your therapist? Seems most people discuss derealization as though objects and the room aren't real. For me, it's him. My therapist seems changed/disconnected/like someone foreign.

 

[shimmerz]

like a robot/sub-human to me

I have felt this with some of my abusers (1 in particular), but I think it was because he was (is) so sociopathic that he actually IS like a robot and doesn't seem to have human qualities (with me).

As far as transference, I felt this way towards a female therapist because she divulged something of herself that had me FEEL like she was an abuser. It didn't just spontaneously happen. I could see how this could be the case though.

Does your therapist do anything to anchor you to him? Like wear a purple tie, or hold something that you hold only when you are there so that you are grounded in some way with the knowledge that he is actually him?

 

[chant2012]

Wow I can relate to this a lot. I was also abused get a psychopath. I would say it's dissociation of some sort with transference. I have this issue as well. Sitting with you and offering support.

 

[Justmehere]

Yes. This happens to me a lot! There are times in trauma work where my therapist suddenly feels weird, surreal, even like she is an abuser, or someone who doesn't hear me, or is silent, or even seems very very far off. Like physically feels and sounds far off.

There are times where I know it is her but like I don't quite totally recognize her. So weird and awful to experience. She will talk the same but her voice will sound so strange and far off too. It's not quite hallucinating for me, so my therapist assures me, and it is a deeply emotional experience for me too.

In these situations I tell her about it - not always in great analytical detail, but sometimes just "you feel xyz to me" and sometimes I will add, mostly for my own reminder to myself, "it might be that I'm dissociative or it might be real." And I will usually tell her I hate the feeling and it stresses me out. She then works it through with me.

It's gotten a lot better and been some of the best work I've done in therapy. It is taking a lot for me to get through it myself...

Just wanted to say that I can really relate with your experience and I'm glad you posted about it! Helped me feel a bit less alone in it.

 

[Deleted member 35429]

Thank you so much for sharing. I actually do feel better just reading a few responses from others that can relate a bit. PTSD symptoms are maddening and sometimes are so disturbing. Feeling the detachment and estrangement from my therapist over and over has been such challenge.

 

[BuckarooBanzai]

OH, yes, transference is real - and important. When the transference comes into play, that's when you know you are working on the primary issues. In fact, your therapist expects transference to come into play. He's ready and able to help you deal with it.

I agree with JustMeHere: Express your transference feelings to him when you experience them, so he can help you work through them. It really helps to verbal and recognize that you are experiencing him as XYZ because, in the moment, you see him as similar in personality to your primary abuser.

When you work through the transference successfully, you will find you've made a huge leap forward in your healing. Hang in there - it's work worth doing!