Desperate For Some Help And Relief.

[ThomasUSArmy]

I just checked myself out of the VA hospital. I check myself in after 9 days of complete confusion, anxiety attacks, panic, fear, sadness, and feeling desperate for some help and relief from my owne thoughts. I can feel myself going crazy. I have always been a mentally strong person until recently when the anxiety attacks started to take over my life.

I was assigned to funeral detail the last 8 months of my military career. To see the family members as we honoured there deceased loved one, was one of the hardest things I had ever had to experience. At the time it felt like an honour and a privilege to perform this service. I can still remember how I felt when 50 motorcycles revved ther engine and the P.O.W flags waved in the air off the back of the bikes. I was always relieved when I got to do the 21 gun salute. That meant I did not have to be standing right next to the family during the service.
I have many memories of those sad days at a grave site as we laid to rest another solder. In September of 2010 my uncle passed away. He was a WW2 vet and was in the battle of the bulge. I got to meet some of his army buddies, who are now in there late 80's. The military portion of the service was a disgrace In my opinion. I had the honour of presenting the flag to my mother after I fixed the poor job they did on folding it. That's when my life fell apart. I no longer leave my house. I have such bad panic and anxiety attacks I have black outs. My wife tells me about what I did during this time with really no recall or very little. I need help.

 

[ThomasUSArmy]

My son is now in basic training in San Antonio, tx. My wife feels like this was my trigger for my anxiety. The VA hospital doctors just push pill after pill at me with no good results. I just have the feeling of being drugged up and full of fear. I was cut on my arm while being chased around the hospital and it did not hurt at all, it was a amazing and wonderful feeling. And almost instantly I was grounded. I could focus and felt so much relief. I really can't put into words how good it felt. People keep asking me why I liked thhe pain. There was no pain only a wonderful feeling of relief. The hospital has I guess whispered the word PTSD, but no one has said this is what's wrong and this is how we can fix it. I am so desperate for some help.

 

[amethist]

Hi Thomas

Welcome to the forum.

I hope you can find some answers here. I know other members will be able to relate to you and understand where you are at just now.

Take some time to read the Articles on here, maybe suggest your wife read them too. she will also find some helpful information in the carers section.

Maybe you could look at the Combat PTSD Forum too, you can click on the link at the bottom of my reply, which will take you straight to it.

Take care.

Amethist

 

[deer_in_headlights]

Welcome Thomas!

I'm so glad to meet you!
What a horrific time you're going through... My heart is with you...

You've come to a very safe, wonderful place... full of suffering and very good people. We all are here because we want to heal, be with people who KNOW and understand, who can listen, hold, care, love, give "dope slaps" when really needed and give lots of (((hugs))).

Welcome, Thomas. There are a lot of people who care, and who have gone through similar aspects of what you're experiencing.

Welcome Home!
With gentle hugs if you take them, from my heart to you and your wife!
Deer

 

[deer_in_headlights]

Hi Thomas,

Have you been assigned a trauma therapist, and are you going to have access to a PTSD group soon?
If you can't get a therapist quickly, there are some private trauma therapists who are more than willing and happy to be of help: often for free, reduced pricing or are willing to take VA insurance.

(I don't know how it works, I just know one of my Trauma counselors has organized a group of specialists who volunteer their time for Vets and their families, to do counseling for free, and run a PTSD group as well.)

I hear your desperation (and know the feelings well)...
With concern,
Deer

 

[Ruth09]

Thomas,
Have you tried talking to the Patient Advocates Office? Or even the person in charge of the Mental Health Clinic?
Have you asked your wife to go with you to the Clinic? Perhaps she can be your advocate when talking to the Mental Health personnel. Another option is a Vet Center. They are staffed by Combat Vets that are trained counselors. They can help, too.
Ruth

 

[Tika]

Hey Thomas,

Welcome to the forum. I am sure that you will find the understanding and comfort that you need to help you identify what is going on with you. You will find great advice here as well.
For now my advice to you is to keep posting and talking about it because it does help. i hope that you will find the other help that you need out there where you are.
You have done this country a great service and I am grateful to you for it.

Thanks to you and your family.

 

[ThomasUSArmy]

I just feel like giving up.

 

[deer_in_headlights]

That's not an option, ((((((((((Thomas))))))))))

You'd leave too much pain behind... both in those who love and know you now, and in all those whose lives you will touch, impact, heal down the road. You have a lot of living left to do.

Getting through this intense stage may be one of the hardest things you ever do, but you need to do this.

You're not doing it alone. There are people here and in the combat PTSD group, in groups where you live who understand what you are experiencing - and can help you through it. There are very good trauma counselors and resources available. It's time to tap into them, and keep tapping into them - no matter how long it takes.

Giving up is not an option.
With deep respect, concern, and caring,
Deer

 

[BloomInWinter]

((((Thomas)))))

 

[BloomInWinter]

Hi Thomas,

You are a good person. THANK YOU for your service!

Job 1 with PTSD is learning grounding techniques that work for you but aren't dangerous or unhealthy.

There are so many out there. Keeping trying some until you find some that work, then practice them over and over again. Eventually, you'll be able to recognize the anxiety at the beginning of the attacks and be able to 'put the brakes' on them.

My first grounding skill that worked for me was pushing my feet into the floor, and really noticing how they felt. Another that works for me is freezing cold showers. Also, listening to the wind, and the birds.

A way we can feel IMMEDIATE relief? Start talking kindly to yourself as if you are a hurt child. When we have bad feelings then judge ourselves for feeling bad, we compound our problems. Once we start speaking to ourselves with compassion, then we just have the bad feelings to deal with.

Another comforting thing that helped me in the beginning was 'affirming statements' to be said to myself, over and over, until my system had stepped down from the adrenaline. Sounds corney, but 'I have people who love me' and 'I have a lot to be proud of' is a much healthier tape to play in my head than 'I don't deserve to live.'

It does get better. It's NOT easy. You've made it through all that #%*!!! though, you have what it takes to beat this PTSD down.

Sending you wishes for comfort, support, and healing.

 

[Tinyflame]

Dear Thomas, it's ok to feel like giving up. Just don't. Stay here, it will get better, there will be less pain and more hope.
Peace to you.