Desperately Need Perspective

[Kikipebbles]

So I have PTSD stemming from several sexual traumas starting in childhood. My parter was with me during my last two traumas - roofied on spring break my senior year and again a few years later when I was passed out drunk by a person in our social circle. Recently I remembered a new (old, but feels new to me) trauma about sexual assault when I was five. My partner knows I have been dealing with this and I am really struggling, particularly with dissociation. A couple nights ago I asked my partner to get me a glass of water and some medicine - I really wasn't feeling well so I asked him to even though he had just come to bed and he was kind of irritated in doing it. I was faced away from the door but closest to it and our daughter was laying in front of me asleep. My partner came back and said "Here ya go" and when I reached back expecting the glass or meds it was his erect penis. I said "what are you doing?" (Not joking or happy) and he laughed. Then I reached for the meds and again he put his erect penis in my hand. I asked something like "why would you do that?" And became progressively upset. I got up and was kind of freaking out - pacing, hyperventilating, etc. He came out when he heard me crying and said he's sorry and he doesn't know why he did that. I can't remember my response just that I said I couldn't sleep by him and he said he'd sleep on the sofa. Then I left the room, still freaking out and saying to myself "don't hurt me" repeatedly, kind of to myself. So the next morning when I was still asleep he apologized again but I have avoided him since then. What do you make of him doing that? I have done a lot of work in the last year and I question my perception so much. Am I easily triggered or was he put of line… or both? I feel like I don't want anything to do with him at all, and when I look back on our relationship it's riddled from beginning to end with problems - he shook the hand of the acquaintance that raped me, has cheated, hit me with a pillow so hard last year that he tore my retina and burst my eardrum, and recently hung up on me when I was stranded/lost in the middle of the night on a trip with our toddler and spotty cell service. I don't know what to make of this, any perspective is helpful.

 

[Jen93]

He did this with your daughter in the room? He's messed up. Get out of there ASAP and get a restraining order. Honestly, he sounds like a complete creep, and you'd be better off without him.

 

[Kikipebbles]

Thanks jen93 for responding. Yeah putting it like this - just writing everything out - makes me realize how bad it is. I think I minimize and/or discount my own response constantly. What would you say if she weren't in the room? Not that I think it's better but I don't know what to think about him doing that period. Like is that a thing people do?
Also how on earth do I get out ugh.

 

[EveHarrington]

I agree-----

Get away from this guy as he's abusive! He shouldn't be acts that way around your daughter. And the physical abuse----!!!

Let's say your daughter wasn't in the room.

Would that act be within normal sexual play for the two of you?

(It doesn't matter if it's normal between any other two people.)

Communication is key.

But really-----get away from this guy. What if one day he hurts your daughter?

 

[Sideways]

Is that a thing that people do?

I've got to agree with the other guys on this one - it really doesn't matter if that's a thing that other couples do. He did this in front of your daughter. That's the thing that I think is most important to focus on right now. Keeping your daughter safe from that behaviour is what's important right now?

How do you get out? You start planning. Making phone calls. Womens shelters often help out with tonnes of useful info about how to get out in practical terms. You find somewhere to go, someone to stay with. And you get yourself and your daughter away from him.

I'm really sorry, because it's an awful situation to be in. Don't let your head start umming and ahhing about the what if's. He did it in front of your daughter. That's really really not okay.

 

[mary1979]

What an insensitive ass, and doubly so since he witnessed your suffering first hand directly after.

You deserve better than this P.O.S

 

[Casey_03]

I'm trying to figure out what the hell could have happened between him leaving to get the glass of water and returning that would have resulted in an erect penis .... so his partner tells him she doesn't feel well and that turns him on? Really baffling behavior.

 

[Kikipebbles]

Thanks for your responses. I can't believe I'm in this position. So much so that I need to read over your responses to get it for a second. And I never thought I'd be that person. I really do think you're all right.

 

[Jen93]

If it helps at all, I recently got out of a similar relationship with my ex boyfriend. You're not alone.

 

[Kikipebbles]

I've felt like leaving for the last year, but because of my PTSD I don't trust anyone to tell them what's really going on with me. So I have been working on that and I started telling them stuff and it was like I'm crazy. I've been with him for 15 years, married for 4, and I've protected his reputation that whole time. The message has been he's a good guy and these events are just one-time things. This week was the first time a friend was seeing how I felt when they never really stop and have added up.

Additionally, I'm a therapist (and he refuses to go to therapy). I have worked with DV women and I can see that I'm doing 'the thing' - the not getting it thing that I found so frustrating. I can see it happening and it's like I still can't make myself drop the bullshit. Finding a place to live, dealing with divorce, etc. feels insurmountable even though I know the only thing that matters is being safe with my daughter.

 

[Sideways]

We all do that from time to time - the "it can't be that bad, stuff like that wouldn't happen to me," etc. Go easy on yourself, it's just your brain trying to cope with a really awful situation.

But at the same time, be smart. Sounds like you might actually have a lot of really good resources available to you about how to deal with f***ed up situations like this one. Your daughter needs you to start dealing with it, so that's what we do.

Two things that you know: this is not you and your ptsd being unreasonable, it's all him being messed up and unsafe. And you're not doing it alone.

It's a tough one, and you'd prefer it if life hadn't thrown you this curve ball, but you've got this. You can do it. And we're here, 24/7, every step of the way:)