I feel so broken up and scrambled... I feel like am trying to figure out and process what happened but I am not even sure about anything. It is all so gray... Here it goes:
I am so angry at what you did to me! You have made me second guess and invalidate and minimize my own experiences dad!!!!!!
I still feel that I can't allow myself or forgive myself for calling what you did to me sexual abuse... I don't know maybe it wasn't what most people think stereotypical sexual abuse is, but it sure as hell was inappropriate for a father to be doing with his daughter!!!!!!! I am so upset that I honestly don't think you knew you were being inappropriate! Hell, I didn't even know. It wasn't until recently that I even started looking back and realizing how screwed up you have made me. I get even more confused because you genuinely do love me and have been a great dad and loving and amazing in other ways... I HATE this :'(
I am so confused about how you can abuse someone and not know it. How you can tickle a child close to her genital area and not think. 'Hmmm. This might not be an appropriate area to tickle...'
How can talking to your child about your adult sexual, marital, and emotional problems be OK? Do you have ANY idea how much strain, pain, heartbreak and guilt that put on me? How can attempting to touch (maybe you even did touch) a child’s breasts be OK? It alludes me...... I just know I feel disgusting.... Dirty. Damaged. Vile. Tainted.... Deep down, I feel so’ yucky’ about it all (not just this but also the physically painful and 'fun' games we played).
This below is something a friend of mine wrote to me when I asked them what they thought it was I went through (they are also a survivor).
"To me what you've described is clearly wrong and personally I would label it as sexual abuse. And if it needed a sub-category I'd call it covert inc*st. Covert inc*st is notoriously a nightmare issue to deal with. You have all the pain and confusion and wounding of overt sexual abuse but none of the dramatic stories to pull out to account for it. It's doubly horrible in a way."
They totally validated me. What my dad did, whether he knew what he was doing was wrong or not, it was/is not right.
At the same time however, I start to second guess myself again... I have been feeling that since I don't have a very 'compelling story' to back up what I am feeling inside then that means it is not really 'all that bad' or deserving of validation or support. I just feel that the 'real' abuse is so much worse and so many others went through the ‘real’ abuse so they deserve 'first dibs' on healing and support, not me.
Also, I feel that if I talk about and share what happened I will constantly have people thinking, "Jeez, that's all? That wasn't very bad at all. At least this or that didn't happen to you... You are actually bothered over that?" because it doesn’t fit into what the average joe views as ‘normal’ sexual abuse or ‘inappropriateness’ ... That just shuts me down even more. It silences me so fast and just rips away any courage I even had to share it in the first place. I mean, I already feel like this is not worthy to share but once I DO share it or attempt to anyway, people say THAT and it just completely tells me what I already know.... It was NOT bad enough and what I am feeling is not right. It makes me feel like I have to pull up conclusive evidence of this type of abuse because it is so insidious in nature... So many people have this preconceived notion that if someone wasn't brutally r*ped then it wasn't that bad. Verbal, emotional, and semi-incestuous 'vibes' made me feel almost worse in some ways than when I was r*ped by the other guys who came later in my life... I KNOW that sounds terrible and I am NOT trying to make it sound like this little stuff I went through is worse than anyone else’s because I am NOT, but I guess the lack of cruelty and lack of any form of malicious intent is what gets me so mixed up... I almost feel that if there had been something, anything at all that actually pointed toward ill-will it would make it easier for me to grasp and process. The insidiousness of this type of abuse is crazy making...
Is it completely sick that I kind of wish he had been awful and cruel and overt? I FEEL sick when I say that... But it is honestly kind of how I feel... I just feel so crazy in the head with no facts... No actual scars... Only scars on the inside where no one can see... I know I should be thankful that this is all that it was but I almost feel cursed... I am sorry I am not trying to sound terrible. I wish healing were easy. I wish I knew for sure. I wish it wasn’t all so gray... I wish I didn’t feel guilty for saying these things. But I do. I feel really guilty. I feel sick and shaky and crazy and on edge. It's really bad tonight.
Below is a list of things he has done (excluding the physical abuse):
1) My father pretended he would touch (or maybe he even did touch) my undeveloped breasts as a child and preadolescent. He touched my bottom (even to this day despite my asking him to stop more times than I can count). He really only means it as a silly and playful game but it still bothers me a lot... My father tickled my inner thigh and groin area right next to my genitals but not directly on them but pretty darn close... Another half in or inch and he would have been. As an adult, he recently barged into my room demanding a kiss on the lips... I was NOT comfortable with it. I said I would kiss him on the cheek, that was not good enough though. He pinned me on my bed. Demanded... I punched and kicked... Finally got him off and hurt his feelings... After it all he managed to make me feel like the bad guy and I felt guitly. I still kind of do. I am sure he didn’t mean to though, he was under the influence and had no recollection of it the next day.
2) My father talked to me about his sexual life (or lack of) with my mother and told me how he was not getting satisfied by my mother and how a man needs that type of touch and on and on... He asked me what was wrong with him for my mom to not want to pleasure him and if he was just not desirable enough... Perhaps this was rhetorical but I answered him... I told him he was desirable and that there was nothing wrong with him... I basically told him he was sexy... I felt so nasty... I hate(d) myself. He placed me in that role, but I should have known better. Dumb child I was. I initially thought I was 8 when this started but I was 11 or so, maybe 10. So, I guess it wasn't that bad after all. It still REALLY bothered and affected me even though it shouldn't have. I feel so used and dirty.
3) As a child and even to this day he made/makes fun of my small breasts and bottom...
4) My father would sometimes take my pants and panties off when he would use the belt on my bare bottom and sometimes legs. I don't think he did it for sexual gain however but at the same time I don't see why he would have to have me take off my panties... Pants are enough aren’t they?
5) My father would verbally and emotionally abuse me in a sexual nature. This was a BIG one in my childhood. He and his family told me from a young age that I was to protect and be there for daddy. I was to be his emotional scapegoat more or less. The pain this caused me... I can't explain the heartbreak. It kills me. Over and over again. And I would say that 75% of it was sexual in nature. This has affected me SOOO much I can't even say.
6) My father always was wanting to do things together but I BEGGED him to. We were two peas in a pod. I loved him soooo much. Almost in an unnatural way. But I don't think he wanted me alone for sexual reasons. He DID use it to 'dump' on me though. I hated that.
7) My father barges in my room without knocking sometimes. Usually when he isn't thinking or when under the influence. He sometimes knocks though. I would say it is 50:50. And he doesn't do it to see anything per se. He isn't aware what I am doing. There have been times when it is bad timing and I am undressing.
8) My father makes comments that are ridiculing to my body and sometimes they give me the creeps, "Wowie!!! Look at those whoppers!!!!" in relation to my breasts because they are really very small. Although admittedly I sometimes bring attention to them and say, "I have such big boobs." in a joking and sarcastic manner, but it is different when I do it... But most of the time he is in the same room so he chimes in too. I can't blame him on this one. I bring that part on myself... If I am honest sometimes I say that on purpose so he WILL say what he does and then I feel nasty... WHY would I do that? I am disgusting... I never realized I did this until now. Maybe it is self punishment? I am a nasty and dirty girl.... A lot of time he will bring them up in front of his friends too... Embarrassing...
9) He told me EVERYTHING bad about my mom and so did his family. They turned me against her... I HATED her. Even now that I know what they did there is this deep down and buried deep, resentment and animosity toward her. I hate it but it is how I feel. I am ruined now because of it. And she blames me and resents me for feeling this way and is mean to me sometimes because of how I feel toward her... I hate myself.
10) A few times I told him I didn't want or like hearing what he was telling me and he said that I was the only one who related to him and that he loved me so much. I was like his other half. He said I was the only one who understood what he said and what we talked about or shared... I didn't feel I had a choice. I was sooo stupid. I couldn't say anything though because it was my duty and purpose to protect him. I even lied to my mom and told her I did a lot of the things he did and I covered for him even if it got me in trouble. My happiness didn't matter to me. It wasn't my purpose. He was. I was so sick. I even feel sick sometimes when he touches me and hugs me... Not always only sometimes... So I never know when to expect my nasty feelings and thoughts about him. How I hate this.
11) I was his surrogate wife in so many ways. I was his emotional lover. I always used to think that he never physically sexually abused me. That it was only the emotional sexual abuse... Now I am not even sure about that... I just know how sick and disgusting I feel inside of myself. I want to throw up... I want to cut and burn now... I want. I want. I want...
Now, I don't know if he ever did any of this for literal sexual gain or gratification but I know he did it for emotional gain and for validation of his manhood. So, I guess you could say sexual validation. I have been having people tell me that whatever his intentions were, whether they he meant to sexually abuse me (I can't see him doing this knowingly) or not, doesn't matter really. What he did was still wrong and he should have known. You can play with and tickle children in places that are nowhere near their genitals. I know that I would never tickle a child that close to their genitals because I wouldn't want it to be able to be misconstrued as something it is not, plus it doesn't seem appropriate to me. I have also been told that what matters is how I feel and that I have been hurt... A parent may spank their child and lose control and end up hurting them badly but they didn't mean to. Their initial intention wasn't to hurt their child, but that doesn't mean that they didn't hurt the child. It is still physical abuse whether they meant it or not. I think this may be how it is for me... But I am not sure. I know I have been told numerous times that I shouldn't need to label it but I just feel I need to label it... I don't know why... I wish it wasn't all so gray. I feel that if he had just not been a nice dad and loving it would be easier to feel upset at what he did... If he had just been more overt I could know for sure and not constantly doubt and question whether it was "real abuse" or not or just unintentional and inappropriate behavior and therefore justified by his ignorance...
I am so angry at what you did to me! You have made me second guess and invalidate and minimize my own experiences dad!!!!!!
I still feel that I can't allow myself or forgive myself for calling what you did to me sexual abuse... I don't know maybe it wasn't what most people think stereotypical sexual abuse is, but it sure as hell was inappropriate for a father to be doing with his daughter!!!!!!! I am so upset that I honestly don't think you knew you were being inappropriate! Hell, I didn't even know. It wasn't until recently that I even started looking back and realizing how screwed up you have made me. I get even more confused because you genuinely do love me and have been a great dad and loving and amazing in other ways... I HATE this :'(
I am so confused about how you can abuse someone and not know it. How you can tickle a child close to her genital area and not think. 'Hmmm. This might not be an appropriate area to tickle...'
How can talking to your child about your adult sexual, marital, and emotional problems be OK? Do you have ANY idea how much strain, pain, heartbreak and guilt that put on me? How can attempting to touch (maybe you even did touch) a child’s breasts be OK? It alludes me...... I just know I feel disgusting.... Dirty. Damaged. Vile. Tainted.... Deep down, I feel so’ yucky’ about it all (not just this but also the physically painful and 'fun' games we played).
This below is something a friend of mine wrote to me when I asked them what they thought it was I went through (they are also a survivor).
"To me what you've described is clearly wrong and personally I would label it as sexual abuse. And if it needed a sub-category I'd call it covert inc*st. Covert inc*st is notoriously a nightmare issue to deal with. You have all the pain and confusion and wounding of overt sexual abuse but none of the dramatic stories to pull out to account for it. It's doubly horrible in a way."
They totally validated me. What my dad did, whether he knew what he was doing was wrong or not, it was/is not right.
At the same time however, I start to second guess myself again... I have been feeling that since I don't have a very 'compelling story' to back up what I am feeling inside then that means it is not really 'all that bad' or deserving of validation or support. I just feel that the 'real' abuse is so much worse and so many others went through the ‘real’ abuse so they deserve 'first dibs' on healing and support, not me.
Also, I feel that if I talk about and share what happened I will constantly have people thinking, "Jeez, that's all? That wasn't very bad at all. At least this or that didn't happen to you... You are actually bothered over that?" because it doesn’t fit into what the average joe views as ‘normal’ sexual abuse or ‘inappropriateness’ ... That just shuts me down even more. It silences me so fast and just rips away any courage I even had to share it in the first place. I mean, I already feel like this is not worthy to share but once I DO share it or attempt to anyway, people say THAT and it just completely tells me what I already know.... It was NOT bad enough and what I am feeling is not right. It makes me feel like I have to pull up conclusive evidence of this type of abuse because it is so insidious in nature... So many people have this preconceived notion that if someone wasn't brutally r*ped then it wasn't that bad. Verbal, emotional, and semi-incestuous 'vibes' made me feel almost worse in some ways than when I was r*ped by the other guys who came later in my life... I KNOW that sounds terrible and I am NOT trying to make it sound like this little stuff I went through is worse than anyone else’s because I am NOT, but I guess the lack of cruelty and lack of any form of malicious intent is what gets me so mixed up... I almost feel that if there had been something, anything at all that actually pointed toward ill-will it would make it easier for me to grasp and process. The insidiousness of this type of abuse is crazy making...
Is it completely sick that I kind of wish he had been awful and cruel and overt? I FEEL sick when I say that... But it is honestly kind of how I feel... I just feel so crazy in the head with no facts... No actual scars... Only scars on the inside where no one can see... I know I should be thankful that this is all that it was but I almost feel cursed... I am sorry I am not trying to sound terrible. I wish healing were easy. I wish I knew for sure. I wish it wasn’t all so gray... I wish I didn’t feel guilty for saying these things. But I do. I feel really guilty. I feel sick and shaky and crazy and on edge. It's really bad tonight.
Below is a list of things he has done (excluding the physical abuse):
1) My father pretended he would touch (or maybe he even did touch) my undeveloped breasts as a child and preadolescent. He touched my bottom (even to this day despite my asking him to stop more times than I can count). He really only means it as a silly and playful game but it still bothers me a lot... My father tickled my inner thigh and groin area right next to my genitals but not directly on them but pretty darn close... Another half in or inch and he would have been. As an adult, he recently barged into my room demanding a kiss on the lips... I was NOT comfortable with it. I said I would kiss him on the cheek, that was not good enough though. He pinned me on my bed. Demanded... I punched and kicked... Finally got him off and hurt his feelings... After it all he managed to make me feel like the bad guy and I felt guitly. I still kind of do. I am sure he didn’t mean to though, he was under the influence and had no recollection of it the next day.
2) My father talked to me about his sexual life (or lack of) with my mother and told me how he was not getting satisfied by my mother and how a man needs that type of touch and on and on... He asked me what was wrong with him for my mom to not want to pleasure him and if he was just not desirable enough... Perhaps this was rhetorical but I answered him... I told him he was desirable and that there was nothing wrong with him... I basically told him he was sexy... I felt so nasty... I hate(d) myself. He placed me in that role, but I should have known better. Dumb child I was. I initially thought I was 8 when this started but I was 11 or so, maybe 10. So, I guess it wasn't that bad after all. It still REALLY bothered and affected me even though it shouldn't have. I feel so used and dirty.
3) As a child and even to this day he made/makes fun of my small breasts and bottom...
4) My father would sometimes take my pants and panties off when he would use the belt on my bare bottom and sometimes legs. I don't think he did it for sexual gain however but at the same time I don't see why he would have to have me take off my panties... Pants are enough aren’t they?
5) My father would verbally and emotionally abuse me in a sexual nature. This was a BIG one in my childhood. He and his family told me from a young age that I was to protect and be there for daddy. I was to be his emotional scapegoat more or less. The pain this caused me... I can't explain the heartbreak. It kills me. Over and over again. And I would say that 75% of it was sexual in nature. This has affected me SOOO much I can't even say.
6) My father always was wanting to do things together but I BEGGED him to. We were two peas in a pod. I loved him soooo much. Almost in an unnatural way. But I don't think he wanted me alone for sexual reasons. He DID use it to 'dump' on me though. I hated that.
7) My father barges in my room without knocking sometimes. Usually when he isn't thinking or when under the influence. He sometimes knocks though. I would say it is 50:50. And he doesn't do it to see anything per se. He isn't aware what I am doing. There have been times when it is bad timing and I am undressing.
8) My father makes comments that are ridiculing to my body and sometimes they give me the creeps, "Wowie!!! Look at those whoppers!!!!" in relation to my breasts because they are really very small. Although admittedly I sometimes bring attention to them and say, "I have such big boobs." in a joking and sarcastic manner, but it is different when I do it... But most of the time he is in the same room so he chimes in too. I can't blame him on this one. I bring that part on myself... If I am honest sometimes I say that on purpose so he WILL say what he does and then I feel nasty... WHY would I do that? I am disgusting... I never realized I did this until now. Maybe it is self punishment? I am a nasty and dirty girl.... A lot of time he will bring them up in front of his friends too... Embarrassing...
9) He told me EVERYTHING bad about my mom and so did his family. They turned me against her... I HATED her. Even now that I know what they did there is this deep down and buried deep, resentment and animosity toward her. I hate it but it is how I feel. I am ruined now because of it. And she blames me and resents me for feeling this way and is mean to me sometimes because of how I feel toward her... I hate myself.
10) A few times I told him I didn't want or like hearing what he was telling me and he said that I was the only one who related to him and that he loved me so much. I was like his other half. He said I was the only one who understood what he said and what we talked about or shared... I didn't feel I had a choice. I was sooo stupid. I couldn't say anything though because it was my duty and purpose to protect him. I even lied to my mom and told her I did a lot of the things he did and I covered for him even if it got me in trouble. My happiness didn't matter to me. It wasn't my purpose. He was. I was so sick. I even feel sick sometimes when he touches me and hugs me... Not always only sometimes... So I never know when to expect my nasty feelings and thoughts about him. How I hate this.
11) I was his surrogate wife in so many ways. I was his emotional lover. I always used to think that he never physically sexually abused me. That it was only the emotional sexual abuse... Now I am not even sure about that... I just know how sick and disgusting I feel inside of myself. I want to throw up... I want to cut and burn now... I want. I want. I want...
Now, I don't know if he ever did any of this for literal sexual gain or gratification but I know he did it for emotional gain and for validation of his manhood. So, I guess you could say sexual validation. I have been having people tell me that whatever his intentions were, whether they he meant to sexually abuse me (I can't see him doing this knowingly) or not, doesn't matter really. What he did was still wrong and he should have known. You can play with and tickle children in places that are nowhere near their genitals. I know that I would never tickle a child that close to their genitals because I wouldn't want it to be able to be misconstrued as something it is not, plus it doesn't seem appropriate to me. I have also been told that what matters is how I feel and that I have been hurt... A parent may spank their child and lose control and end up hurting them badly but they didn't mean to. Their initial intention wasn't to hurt their child, but that doesn't mean that they didn't hurt the child. It is still physical abuse whether they meant it or not. I think this may be how it is for me... But I am not sure. I know I have been told numerous times that I shouldn't need to label it but I just feel I need to label it... I don't know why... I wish it wasn't all so gray. I feel that if he had just not been a nice dad and loving it would be easier to feel upset at what he did... If he had just been more overt I could know for sure and not constantly doubt and question whether it was "real abuse" or not or just unintentional and inappropriate behavior and therefore justified by his ignorance...
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