desperately want to survive but drowning regardless

[AJ45]

I dont want to give up, i dont want to feel like that the only right thing is death...

i want to survive but dont have the will power. Im beyond exhausted, and its not like the world/ things can stop.

ive become more mute and isolated as time goes on because of the exhaustion and the marathon of trying and trying to survive but barely holding on.

I graduated with a BS in computer science and feel s stupid that i havent been able to use it. Its like my brain doesnt work properly. I know my potential is like 100...but im in the negatives -300/-400 and nobody seems to be really able to help, they try and im so grateful and blessed for that but im still drowning.....

but mind body is giving out.

 

[willhealeventually]

I am so sorry... I don’t have any advice because I am in the same situation - despite all my education and ability, I am deeply depressed and feeling like I want to die. I’m not dead though, just feeling it. A part of me is hoping for something to break open - some insight, strength, or realization. I want to beat this and therapy is certainly an important part because I now know I can’t do it alone.
I wish you well...

 

[MrMoonlight]

I'm really sorry you guys. You are both fighters and should be so dang proud. I think right now is when our tools and connections are so important. Really happy you came here, we know how you feel, you aren't alone. That realization blew my mind when I found this place.

Are you able to use distraction right now? Maybe a warm blanket, hot cocoa and Netflix?

I'm here for you if you want to talk a little. You can make it through this, please don't give up. You are worth fighting for.

 

[willhealeventually]

Thank you @MrMoonlight. Although I am paralyzed with depression right now, I am watching Netflix. It helps. It’s a good feeling to know there is this place because otherwise I would be completely alone. It’s good to know I am not alone.
I feel the pain and then I literally become so depressed I get paralyzed, like today. I wait for it to pass...

 

[MrMoonlight]

I really didn't know other people went through similar things to me before finding this site. So difficult to break out of depressive episodes. Sometimes it's just trying to not do the harm to ourselves.

Suicide is such a final and desperate act. Such an awful thing to consider.

Are either of you actively considering suicide or thinking about ways? please give yourself the opportunity to find a better way. We can build tool sets and new ways of dealing. Don't give up.

 

[Mach123]

I was calling the Samaritans all the time, them and my doctors office.

I was able to go inpatient a week for detox finally which started my journey.

IDK what would have happened otherwise. That was not the end of it with drugs sadly I went to a psychiatrist after that and tried to get my meds working but it didn't work.

So then I was depressed a long while and I was working hard and going to therapy and stuff. I stopped working and went on disability. So all I did was go to therapy. It was a dark and difficult time.

That worked though. Getting off all medications awhile but that was me.

I still have drugs and use them for different things but I was never like that again because my CSA came out right during that time which I was trying to prevent.

So I don't ever know what to say at this point because if it was me and I was that depressed I'd be popping pills again or whatever because I could never feel like that again. So I'd get really messed up so I couldn't feel it and then go back to the detox and sober up again. Or I'd tell myself that's what was going to happen who knows?

I don't recommend this but I have not been that depressed again. Depressed, but not that depressed.

It makes me so angry people have to suffer those feelings and I'm so sorry. I was depressed most of my life and suicidal for a lot of it, so I empathize.

I always feel like anyone can feel better because I do. But I know when I felt like that nothing could reach me really.

But I still want to say something because I hate it, I hate that depression and where it comes from.

 

[Atticus]

Sorry to hear about your struggles, AJ45.

About 4-5 months after my trauma, for about 2 weeks I was in a very dark spot. Never having experienced a personal trauma, I was unprepared for the warped sense of reality and the intractable unpleasant thoughts. It seems endless, yes; hopeless, yes; and yes, briefly - albeit seriously - I entertained the notion, until I summarily dismissed it (I'm not going to give them the satisfaction)!

What helped me was opening up to my trusted medical professionals. It helped a lot. I was started out on medications, which also helped.

I suppose what is helping me the most is the notion that although I may never be the same as I was pre-truama, with continued treatment and talk therapy, it can only get better (i.e. that it won't get worse). And that reminder was -- and is -- enough for me to push through the hopeless days.

Wishing you well.

 

[AJ45]

I am so sorry... I don’t have any advice because I am in the same situation - despite all my education and ability, I am deeply depressed and feeling like I want to die. I’m not dead though, just feeling it. A part of me is hoping for something to break open - some insight, strength, or realization. I want to beat this and therapy is certainly an important part because I now know I can’t do it alone.
I wish you well...

your words are advice enough

I'm really sorry you guys. You are both fighters and should be so dang proud. I think right now is when our tools and connections are so important. Really happy you came here, we know how you feel, you aren't alone. That realization blew my mind when I found this place.

Are you able to use distraction right now? Maybe a warm blanket, hot cocoa and Netflix?

I'm here for you if you want to talk a little. You can make it through this, please don't give up. You are worth fighting for.

i use distractions all the time but it doesnt make the pain hurt memories etc any better

I really didn't know other people went through similar things to me before finding this site. So difficult to break out of depressive episodes. Sometimes it's just trying to not do the harm to ourselves.

Suicide is such a final and desperate act. Such an awful thing to consider.

Are either of you actively considering suicide or thinking about ways? please give yourself the opportunity to find a better way. We can build tool sets and new ways of dealing. Don't give up.

its really hard not to its like its automatic takes every minute of every day to fight it and not do something

I was calling the Samaritans all the time, them and my doctors office.

I was able to go inpatient a week for detox finally which started my journey.

IDK what would have happened otherwise. That was not the end of it with drugs sadly I went to a psychiatrist after that and tried to get my meds working but it didn't work.

So then I was depressed a long while and I was working hard and going to therapy and stuff. I stopped working and went on disability. So all I did was go to therapy. It was a dark and difficult time.

That worked though. Getting off all medications awhile but that was me.

I still have drugs and use them for different things but I was never like that again because my CSA came out right during that time which I was trying to prevent.

So I don't ever know what to say at this point because if it was me and I was that depressed I'd be popping pills again or whatever because I could never feel like that again. So I'd get really messed up so I couldn't feel it and then go back to the detox and sober up again. Or I'd tell myself that's what was going to happen who knows?

I don't recommend this but I have not been that depressed again. Depressed, but not that depressed.

It makes me so angry people have to suffer those feelings and I'm so sorry. I was depressed most of my life and suicidal for a lot of it, so I empathize.

I always feel like anyone can feel better because I do. But I know when I felt like that nothing could reach me really.

But I still want to say something because I hate it, I hate that depression and where it comes from.

i understand i guess you can say im in similar boat thank you for sharing your experiences

 

[willhealeventually]

Something I learned in therapy yesterday is that my responses to life and situations usually are colored by past trauma. Like when something happens - I am not just reacting to that but also to whatever was triggered in me from my past.
I hadn’t taken that into account before. When things feel like the end of the world, I have now ask myself what is being triggered. I have nights when I can’t fall asleep for hours because of the emotional pain burning in my chest. I just stay with it but it’s hella difficult and exhausting.
I’ve made it a habit to reach out to anyone when I get so low. I don’t really want to die - I love my kids too much. But I don’t want to live with this pain that is debilitating.
The counseling is helping me, but it is a slow process. This group is helping me. I have a couple of friends that help me. I’ll take all the help I can get and try to give something back as best I can. I know other people have their struggles too.
I’m coming to the realization that my trauma is permanent - it’s not going away. So I have to rewire my life to work with what I got, try to learn to manage the triggers, rest when I need to, and release the judgement that I am a faulty POS that deserved everything I went through. Some people don’t have these issues and they’ll lead different lives. I guess this is the life I have - high maintenance just to function. I am learning to accept what it is rather than pretending I have a different life...
I wish you well. You are not alone...